‘She didn’t know I’d read it,’ muttered Rez, looking a bit sheepish now that he’d told us of Julie’s betrayal.
‘Fuck that,’ I said. ‘Don’t mind her Rez, she’ll come beggin to be with you again when she gets back.’
‘Marleygate,’ said Cocker.
‘Sex, Dives and Videotapes,’ I added.
‘Expert muff diver,’ said Cocker, then regretted it and looked down at the table. But Rez didn’t seem to have heard.
Jen shook her head sympathetically.
‘Fuckin Julie,’ Rez muttered. The topic was clearly threatening to darken his evening. ‘Anyway, let’s get wrecked. Surely that’s the mature and intelligent way to resolve all the complex problems that, like, vex me.’ He raised his glass.
‘To Marley and his aqualung of love,’ said Cocker. ‘May he get the bends because he’s actually a bender.’ We clinked our glasses and drained the cocktails. ‘Rez, this’ll cheer ye up. What do a woman and a KFC meal have in common?’
‘Tell me.’
‘If ye take away the legs and the breasts, there’s nothin left but a greasy box to throw yer bone into.’
Rez smiled and shook his head.
Jen sighed.
Just after ten we went to the Noosehound. As usual, the bouncers pretended to be convinced by our crap-looking fake IDs, and in we went. Usually when we came here we smuggled in our own vodka or cans of Dutch Gold, but tonight Jen insisted we let her take care of the drinks. ‘Relax, don’t forget it’s all on daddy’s bill,’ she said when we made a faint, insincere protest. ‘I know he’d want us to have a good time.’
‘In that case I’ll have rum and Coca-Cola,’ I said in a Jarvis Cocker voice as we pushed into the clamour of sweat and electroclash. ‘Actually, no, I’ll have a double vodka and Red Bull.’
‘Same for me,’ said Cocker.
‘Me too, please,’ said Rez.
Me and Cocker clambered up to the DJ box and requested punk songs, and Cocker screamed that if the DJ didn’t play ‘Accelerator’ by Primal Scream he would sneak into his house at night and eat his children, or his mother if he didn’t have children, or his bollocks if he didn’t have a mother. The DJ didn’t hear him properly and merely gave a pompous nod in recognition that we existed at all.
‘Cheers, you fuckin spanner!’ yelled Cocker, smiling and giving the DJ the thumbs up. ‘The fucker can’t hear anything.’
Jen decided that what we needed to make the night perfect was some pills; she’d been dead curious to try them since we’d all raved to her about how amazing it had been the first time.
They weren’t hard to find. Jen paid again, though we made some show of cobbling together a few coins to help out. We bought eight pills and took one each, washing it down with vodka and Red Bull. Then we rushed on to the dance floor because ‘I Wanna Be Sedated’ had come on. As we danced I kept thinking that looks were passing between Cocker and Jen. I considered putting my fist through a mirror. But moments later the pill came up on me and all the rage and jealousy fell away.
‘I FUCKING LOVE YIS!’ I roared to the three of them on the dance floor.
Cocker threw his arms in the air and screamed in euphoria. I decided he was my greatest friend of all time.
‘So it’s working then, guys? You’re coming up?’ Jen called out.
‘OF FUCKIN COURSE I AM! I’M HAVIN THE TIME OF MY FUCKIN LIFE!’ I roared back, already too fucked to catch her irony. As I roared the words, it seemed like I was proclaiming a manifesto, the sum total of all there was that was worth saying. Jen was rocking with laughter.
A few minutes later, she was coming up as well. She had been dancing a few bodies away from me and now she approached, eyes huge and clear. She took my face in her hands and said, ‘My God, these are incredible.’ I nodded and grinned as ‘Debaser’ came on. She pulled me in again and said, ‘Matthew listen, I just want to tell ye, I think yer amazin, I’m so glad we got together. I’ve always liked ye. Did ye know that? I never told anyone and I never did anything about it, but I’ve always liked ye, I always thought there was something different about ye, something more interesting.’
I took her face in my hands and kissed her; we pressed our foreheads together and gazed into each other’s eyes.
Then we prised apart, and suddenly I was babbling at her, the words pouring out of me, uncontrollable, one leading to the next.
‘Jen there’s things ye don’t know about me, like I’m not who ye think I am, or there’s somethin wrong with me, I don’t know how to explain it, like I’m not a normal human bein or, or I don’t know, but when me and Kearney saw the girl gettin killed, I mean it was horrible, Jen. But Kearney was really into it and I smiled at him and it’s like, now when I see them bombin Iraqis on the news and the children dyin and all that stuff it’s like I can’t even feel angry any more, like I’m no better than they are, I’m just a Yank up in a gunship, like shootin into schools and chewin gum or …’
I stopped talking and closed my eyes. I was sure I’d said too much and now she would leave me and go off with Cocker, or someone else who had integrity and substance.
I opened my eyes and Jen was still smiling a wide, lovey smile. She didn’t look shocked or disgusted. Still dancing, she put her hands behind my head and kissed me on the lips. She purred in my ear, ‘You’re amazing, Matthew.’ I realized that she hadn’t heard a thing I’d said. But still I felt better, like I’d been to confession and spilled out my sins to God, only there was no God, the sky was empty and there was only Jen and me and Rez and Cocker, and the music and the drinks and the ecstasy that surged up through me now and everything was radiant and epic and there would never be another moment like this one in the entire span of the universe. I beamed at Jen, euphoric, suddenly forgiving myself for all the terrible things I’d felt I’d done for years and years, without even knowing what they were. Then I thought of Kearney over in America and sort of wished him well but understood very clearly that I had to move on from him, that a lot was at stake here, there was more to life than hate and rage and it was crucial that you liked yourself and a good girl could help you do that, and so could friends like Cocker and Rez and –
My thoughts got scrambled because at that moment the song that had been playing fell away and the first scorched beats and squeals of ‘Accelerator’ tore through the speakers. I planted my feet shoulder-width apart, clenched my fists, threw my head back and howled: ‘UUUHHEEEAAAGGGHHH!’
The next thing I knew a bouncer was shoving me towards the side of the dance floor with his shoulder, pushing me against the wall, saying, ‘Don’t be a fuckin cock-merchant, alright? Give it the fuck over or ye can gerrou.’ I looked in his eyes; he was pure brawn, skin-headed, and scarred under the right eye. But in his face I saw woundedness, strangled compassion and the capacity for immense love.
‘It’s okay man, don’t worry about it. Yer a great guy, I know ye are. Here, have a cigarette’ — I pulled the pack from my back pocket and held it up to him. A joint protruded from the top; I ignored it, putting the pack away again. ‘It’s great, I know yer only doin yer job, I know I’m actin the bollocks a bit. It can’t be easy, like, on a Saturday night and all that, but fair play to ye. I mean like, yer not bad at all. I respect ye, ye know what I mean? I really fuckin do, I respect ye. All I’m sayin is I think yer great, man, seriously.’
‘GET THE FUCK OUT, YE CHEEKY LITTLE CUNT!’ he bellowed, grabbing me by the scruff and dragging me to the front door, then shoving me on to the street. For a moment I thought he was going to hit me. ‘Ye can forget about ever comin back here again.’
‘What’s wrong?’ I pleaded, genuinely bewildered.