Realizing I was staring at her, but not answering, I tucked away those memories for another time. “Yep. I stayed up late last night packing so I would be ready to go,” I reply.
She takes me in her arms with glistening eyes. “Oh honey I am so proud of you.” I latch onto her and hold tight, enjoying the reassuring feel of her arms. I relish her enveloping hugs.
“Now come down for breakfast before we start loading up,” she says. Halfheartedly, I head to the kitchen. As we eat, I can tell she is trying to distract her mind from worry. Watching her do it just makes me more emotional. It’s a feeling I can’t hide; she can see the tears in my eyes. Before I can release them, she takes me in her arms again. Every minute we share is full of sober optimism. “You will be just fine.” she reassures me above her own tears. I know that she believes it, but that part of her still wishes I could stay. “I know you are going to do amazing things, Chloe. Just promise that in between the great things, make sure to call and visit. Hm?” She holds me at a distance, chuckling. If there ever was a proud mother, she is it. She kisses me tenderly on the forehead before sighing. “Okay, it’s time to pack up the car. You want to make sure you allow yourself plenty of time to get there and check in.”
“Yeah. Yeah. I got it,” I sigh with a smile.
Upstairs, I can’t help but take one last look at my room. I know this will always be my home and that knowledge gives me the courage to pick up the last of my boxes and carry them down the stairs. Double and triple checking that I have everything I need, I grab them and head towards my white 2002 Honda Civic in the driveway. While old, it is trustworthy. I worked my ass off for two summers at the local coffee shop slingin’ lattes to buy Betsy and she is perfect. Hauling the last of my items into the trunk, I turn around and Melody is there to hold me one last time, tears streaming down my face.
“Now let’s get rid of those tears. You can’t drive with your eyes all cloudy,” she says, wiping her own eyes.
“Yeah.” I’m a sniffling mess. “I’m so worried, though. What if everyone hates me? What if they know who I am? What if they know what he did?”
“No one knows about your past Chloe. This is your time to spread your wings and fly baby girl. You have an amazing opportunity ahead of you and you are going to meet a ton of great folks,” she reassures me.
“I know. I know.” My anxiety ebbs a little, my eyes beginning to dry.
I climb into the driver’s seat. “Don’t forget to buckle up,” she calls. I give her the thumbs up and roll down my window. Leaning in she says “You have the directions, your phone, and wallet, right?”
“Yes, I have everything I need. Thanks mom.”
“I have done what any mother should. Now is the time for you to shine, baby girl.” Her smile makes me feel like everything will be all right, that I have nothing to fear.
“Wait don’t go yet!” She pulls out her camera and starts snapping shots of me in the car. I thought it was suspicious that she hadn’t been snapping pictures all morning. I wait until she’s finished, even striking a pose or two. “I got you a few surprises by the way. They are in your backseat,” with that she winks and steps back so I have clearance to back out.
As I pull into the street, I have the most startling sensation of lightness. Leaving West Virginia is like shedding a skin. My worries are in my rear-view mirror, the future lies ahead. Cranking up my radio I hone in on my favorite radio station and belt out to my heart’s content. The tune is a familiar one and its lyrics are about love and wrecking relationships.
Singing the song takes me down another sad avenue of thought. I’ve never had a boyfriend, not a serious one at least. I wasn’t able to have one. Not after what he did. I can’t help but feel that I’m pathetic. He really did ruin me, in more ways than one. I both crave and run from normalcy. I’m too afraid to be hurt again.
It’s not that I didn’t have offers. I had quite a few. My last two years of high-school, tons of guys tried, but I just wasn’t interested, nor was I ready. I’m not sure I ever will be. I’d had a reputation for being one of the pretty girls. They have no idea what I’m like inside… dark, desolate, isolated, empty, used, and dirty. If they knew, they wouldn’t want me around. I can’t let anyone find out about the darkness that consumes me.
I try to ignore the pang of guilt I suddenly feel from wanting that type of relationship with a guy. It just can’t happen. I have to focus on school and this new life I have mapped out for myself. Focus is my new mantra. Maybe then I can become something else… maybe then I can become something more.
Radford is so different than back home. I feel welcomed by its small-town charm. The pedestrians look, dare I say happy. Any remnant worry subsides, enough for me to enjoy the drive through “downtown”, though it’s no more than stacks of shops lining a mile of street.
Pulling into the campus I am struck by its beauty. When Melody and I visited for freshman orientation I was in a fog, but now I can see everything so much clearer. It’s amazing and absolutely breathtaking. I never expected to feel like I belonged, especially at a place I’d only visited once.
The campus is open and airy. The bushy trees full of green and yellow leaves are strategically placed throughout the campus. Immediately, I spot the iconic red clocks that represent life at Radford that houses everything from financial aid, residential life, and study areas to students alike. The campus is buzzing with students and excitement.
I carefully pull my car into one of the rather narrow parking spaces. Propping my door open, I discover a new definition for fresh air. It smells and tastes completely different from the air back home. I already feel like I can’t get enough of this place. Stretching my legs, I make sure I have everything I need before heading into the red-brick building.
I head directly to the residential life area and walk in. A friendly redhead is working the counter. She smiles politely, “Hello, welcome to Radford. Are you a first-year student?”
“Yes. My name is Chloe Evans.”
“Great. One second, Chloe.” After a moment’s typing, she smiles and hands me a huge packet. “Here’s everything you need. Your building code is written on that envelope. You will need that to get into your building. You’re housed in the Muse building. Inside the envelope is your key for your dorm-room, along with your meal card, student id, paperwork, a map of the campus, class schedule, campus security information, resident adviser contact information, an activity list, and other important information. Enjoy your year at Radford!”
“Thank you so much,” I say, feeling the weight of the packet somehow increase. I feel a little lost, standing there in front of the desk. The admissions assistant, who no doubt thought I’d leave as soon as I got the packet, smiles up at me.
“I know it’s overwhelming and all but don’t worry everything that you need is right there at your fingertips. If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to reach out to me.” She reaches over to a stack of business cards and hands me one.
“Thanks,” I say, shuffling out of the building and back to my car.
It’s move-in day so lots of students are parked in front of the doors. I carefully maneuver my way through campus until I reach my building. On the side, in big silver letters is its name, Muse. Squeezing into a spot in front I rummage through my packet for my dorm-room key slipping it on my keyring. I’m happy to see that the door is propped open. I am not sure I could get the heavy boxes through the door without that small grace.