“To help her steal children,” Sid answered absently as she stirred a cauldron hanging over the fire.
“What does she mean?” Madelaine asked me.
“Epona wants me to leave Crearwy here.”
“What!” Madelaine exclaimed, waking Lulach who fussed at the interruption. “Oh, my little one,” she said, lifting him, “I’m so sorry. Gruoch, I hope you told her no.”
I looked at Crearwy who was still sleeping.
“I haven’t decided.”
“What in the world do you mean? You can’t just leave her here.”
“Imagine what your life would have been like if you had been raised here. Imagine if you had never been married off to Alister. If I leave Crearwy here, she will be free in a way neither you nor I ever were.”
“But she carries royal blood.”
Did she ever. “Which she will dedicate to the old gods, to the old ways,” I said, making an argument I wasn’t sure I even believed.
Sid turned and looked at me. “If you decide to do as Epona asks, know that I will stay by her always, love her like my own. You have my word.”
Madelaine eyed Sid warily.
“As would Uald,” I told Madelaine, “and Epona, and all the others.”
“Druanne holds no love for you.”
Sid snorted. “She’s all sound and fury. Her heart isn’t as hard as she lets on, and she’s a good teacher.”
I raised an eyebrow at Sid.
“What? She isn’t all bad,” Sid said.
I shook my head.
A moment later, Epona opened the door.
Furious, Madelaine turned on her. “How could you?” my aunt demanded.
Epona took a deep breath and tried to stay calm.
“Madelaine, please,” I said. “This is hard enough,” I added then turned to Epona. “I don’t like this. I don’t want it. But I trust and love you. Bring the girl here. Let me meet her.”
Epona nodded and left.
“You are stronger than me. I couldn’t do this even if it is for the best,” Madelaine said as she reached down to stroke Crearwy’s cheek.
“Not Malcolm, nor Duncan, nor any other will ever rule her. As Moray’s heir, her life would never be her own. Here, her heart is hers to give as she wishes.”
“What about Lulach?”
“He’ll stay with me.”
Madelaine frowned. “Well, I’m sure Gillacoemgain will be pleased with a son, but you’ll leave him to mourn his other child.”
I said nothing. Until everything was certain, more than just visions, I didn’t want to face what I suspected to be the truth. It was Gillacoemgain who was left to be mourned.
The door opened. Epona came in followed by a young woman with long, brown hair. She had a sweet face and bright green eyes. She smiled softly at me. Without being asked, she came and sat in the chair next to my bed.
“I am May, My Lady.”
“Please, call me Cerridwen. I will start with an indelicate question. Have you a babe of your own or did you lose your child?”
May nodded, understanding, but sadness choked her. “My little one came early, was dead when I birthed him from me.”
“Do you have any other children?”
“No.”
“Your age?”
“Seventeen years.”
“And the father?”
“The child was merry-begot. I did not know the father.”
“Do you have any family who will search for you? Is there anyone for whom, or any reason why, you would abandon my daughter?”
“No. None. I worked on a farm with some good people. I was an orphan. Uald used to come to us to trade and sell wares. She would talk to me, in a general way, about this place from time to time. Like you all, I was raised to worship the Great Mother. It fills my heart to be here. I would love to help raise your daughter amongst these good women and treat her as nicely as I would my own child. All these women will be your child’s mother, and I can tell they all love you.”
I studied her face closely. She was an honest girl. Her eyes held no deceptions.
“We should see if Crearwy will accept you,” I said.
May nodded.
Epona picked up Crearwy and handed her to May.
I felt my heart break.
Madelaine looked away.
It took a little coaxing to wake the sleeping baby, but finally she was roused. Crearwy fussed at first, not wanting to take to May. With some coaxing, she latched on.
“Best let her feed a couple of days to make sure all will be well,” Epona said.
“I despise everything about this,” Madelaine told Epona.
“Elaine,” Epona said softly, calling Madelaine by the Goddess name I‘d heard used but once before, “this is for the best. Separate your wants from what is right for the girl.”
“Easy for you to say. Crearwy will be with you, not with her mother, not with her kin,” Madelaine retorted. “In the end, you get what you want.”
I reached out and set my hand on Madelaine’s shoulder.
Frustrated, she rose and went outside.
Sid lifted Lulach from the cradle and handed him to me. I pressed my cheek lightly against his head. His hair was as soft as silk. He let out a contented sigh.
“She’s a pretty little thing,” May said. “Like a little pixie.”
Sid smiled.
“She’s feisty though. Cries throughout the night,” I told her.
May stroked Crearwy’s cheek. “Lovely little lass. Crearwy…that’s her name?”
I nodded.
“Sweet baby,” May whispered. “I’ll watch over her. You have my word.”
I nodded but looked away, unable to control the terrible pain racking my heart to see my child with another.
Epona wrapped her arm around me and hugged me. “I’m sorry,” she whispered in my ear. “I know…I know this must hurt, but please trust me. You’re like a daughter to me. Please trust me.”
“Us,” Sid corrected.
“If anything goes wrong,” I told Epona, “you must send her to me at once. You must not hesitate. If this place is…lost, you must return her to me. Sid must open the doorways and bring her to me.”
“You have my word,” Epona said.
I looked down at Lulach. “Let’s be sure she takes to May. Then, I must go.”
Sid set her hand on my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and prayed the terrible misery creeping across my heart would disappear.
Madelaine and I stayed amongst the women for two more days. May was able to keep Crearwy full and happy and cared for her despite Crearwy’s angry protests. In the end, I liked the girl. She was intelligent, funny, and sensitive to my sacrifice. As much as I didn’t want it, I knew it was time to return.
“Tomorrow, we must go back,” I told Madelaine that evening as we sat by the fire. Madelaine held Crearwy, rocking her gently as May, who’d taken over Sid’s cot, slept.
“We can stay a few more days. Uald met with Tavis this morning. He’s doing fine.”
I shook my head. “No. We must return.”
Madelaine raised an eyebrow at me. “Is something…wrong?”
“Yes.”
“Something…something bad?”
I nodded.
Madelaine sighed. “For one so young, you’ve had too much heartache. My heart is breaking. I cannot imagine how you must feel. I’ll never forgive Epona.”
“Promise me you’ll see Crearwy as often as you can.”
“Of course,” Madelaine said, nodding.
A tear rolled down my cheek. I was trying to be strong, trying to do the right thing, but my heart hurt. After Duncan’s violation, I never thought I’d be able to love my children. Now, I loved them more than anything. My heart felt so heavy.