“I look forward to that.”
It was not long after that Thora was brought discreetly into the hall.
“Now that I have you in my sight, you must behave. Sit quietly here and stay out of trouble,” I told her.
Thora wagged her tail then went under the table and put her head on my feet.
“She acts as though she understands you,” Gillacoemgain said.
“We’ve been together a long time. We understand one another.”
He nodded appreciatively. “I, too, am fond of animals. Dogs, horses, but especially birds…but I’ve never trained a dog to track. Will you teach me?”
“I’ll do anything you wish, My Lord.”
“Then sons for Moray, Lady. Straight off.”
“Of that, I can assure you.” More than he could ever know.
Gillacoemgain smiled.
Later that evening, after everyone had eaten and all the lords and ladies in attendance had introduced themselves to me, people began dancing. Gillacoemgain and I joined them.
He was very tall, and his arms were massive. I studied his body closely, trying to shut out all the images of Duncan. I tried to remember how nice it had felt to be with Banquo. I tried to remember the pleasure of being with a man. But it was hard to force myself to forget. If I wanted to survive this with my mind intact, I had to believe I wanted Gillacoemgain. I had to fool myself. I touched his body gently, feeling his strong arms. Being so close to him, our bodies pressed together, I caught his scent. He smelled of cedar and lavender.
“When will we be leaving for Moray, My Lord?” I asked.
He smiled then gently stroked the backs of my arms. I had to bury the instinct that made me want to pull away. I had to get past it. I had to.
“Tomorrow. But I’m afraid I will have to leave Moray shortly after we arrive.”
“That’s unfortunate. May I ask the reason?”
“There is discontent in the north. Our marriage should persuade Thorfinn to quiet his claim, but arms is often a better reminder than marriage vows. And sons, Gruoch, will further silence that half-Viking who would control my lands,” he said, and this time I heard the angry edge under his voice.
“Well, we will have to get to work on those sons very soon,” I replied playfully, letting my fingers dance along his neck.
He pulled me close. “Has the nunnery made you eager?” he asked.
“I wasn’t eager until I looked upon you,” I whispered in reply.
Blood. I would need to get some blood. I would need to stain the sheets to assure them that Gillacoemgain was my first, that I had given my maidenhead to my lawful husband.
Gillacoemgain pulled me closer, and this time I felt him. His cock was hard. He wanted me. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. When I felt and smelled him, feeling his protective arms around me, I questioned myself. Could I lust after such an act of violence? Did I have it in me to choose this man? Not just take him, but choose him? And in the end, when I took Gillacoemgain to bed, was I betraying the man I truly loved? Banquo, where are you?
Chapter 6
That night, after the castle had quieted, I knelt before the fire in my chamber, Thora lying beside me. The embers popped and snapped. I knew what I needed to do, where I needed to go, but I just couldn’t force my feet to make the walk between Gillacoemgain’s bedchamber and my own.
I threw some herbs into a cauldron hanging over the fire. The sharp scents of sage and other herbs filled the room. I inhaled deeply and gazed into the flames. I felt hot but tried to ignore the trickles of sweat on my brow and running down my back. Focusing on the embers, I lulled myself into a trance. Loosening my spirit from the body, I forced myself to see the eternal flame of the Goddess in Ynes Verleath. A moment later, I found myself in the otherworld. The scent of wisteria overwhelmed me.
I walked, my form little more than a shadow, to the terrace where Andraste sat, leaning against her staff, by the fire.
“Cerridwen,” she said without looking up at me.
“Did you know?”
“Know what?”
“Don’t be coy. Did you know I would encounter Duncan? Did you know I was sent to marry Moray? Did you know what was going to happen?”
“Does it matter?” she replied then turned to face me. “In the end, does it matter? We are all fated to live the lives the gods have decreed for us. You will bear Duncan’s children. And you will wed Moray.”
“But what about Banquo?” I whispered.
“He’s married another and fathered a child with her besides. Forget him.”
“What!” I felt my physical body tremble. The sensation started to pull me back to the realm of the living.
“I speak the truth,” Andraste said.
“You…you promised me a different title. Queen. I don’t understand what’s happening.”
“You don’t wish to be the Queen of the North? Aren't you satisfied to be the Queen of the Picts? Do you wish bigger feats than that of the sons of Alpin?”
“No.”
“You carry the children of a prince. Would you rather their father to be your husband?”
I gasped. It was a possibility I had not thought of. “No.”
Andraste turned back to the fire. “Be settled in Moray. The goddess will see to you.”
“Is he really…has he really wed another?”
Andraste sighed deeply. “Yes. Forget your druid. Like you, he had to obey his father’s will. And Epona let him think you were gone forever. What else could he do?”
Wait. He could have waited for me. “Nothing,” I whispered.
Andraste nodded.
I let go.
I found myself lying in front of the fire in my bedchamber once more. The coals had burned low.
Thora licked my chin to rouse me.
Banquo. How could he? Had Epona’s words truly left him in such despair? Had he believed me to be dead or beyond his reach, lost to the darkness? Tears streamed down my cheeks. I pitied him. I pitied the man I loved. He would have mourned me. He would have mourned the life he’d been dreaming of, as I did. I could go to him now, but at what cost? He was married. He had a woman and a child. He’d been wed out of political alliance. And if I left, what danger would I bring to my own house? I wiped the hot tears from my cheeks then shuddered. Pulling my knees to my chest, I rocked myself slowly back and forth. It was more than I could bear.
Banquo was lost to me. I’d been sexually assaulted. I was pregnant. I was about to be married off to a stranger and rejoin court life. My hands shook as I swayed slowly back and forth. I felt a strange pain shoot across my head. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe deeply, tried not to think about it all. Everything threatened to overwhelm me. It wanted to crash over me like a wave. If I let it, I might not survive it. I rocked and rocked. There was a way out of this. There was a way out of all this madness. I knew the herbs. I could end it myself. I could end…myself. It would be so easy.
An image flickered through my mind of the dark-haired child and his glimmering blue eyes.
Stop, I told myself. Stop.
My body stilled.
My hands stopped shaking.
I rose and stood before the flames. Maybe I would marry Moray as Gruoch, but Gruoch…she could not handle what had to be done next.
I pulled a dagger from my boot and stabbed my already-injured palm, cutting my handfasting scar in half. Reaching my arm over the dying flame, I poured the blood onto the hot coals. The liquid sizzled and filled the air with a strange smell. I closed my eyes and called the raven.