The thane bowed, and the pair left us.
“Your eyes… I remembered that violet color well. I always thought that if I did not know your face, I would know your eyes,” Macbeth said.
I smiled at him. I then took his plate and slid a slice of currant cake, a spoon full of pudding, and two honey oat biscuits thereon. I set the plate in front of my new husband.
Tepidly, Macbeth reached out and touched my hand. “Thank you, wife.”
“You’re welcome, husband.”
Macbeth smiled.
I lifted my goblet of wine and took a sip, hiding the confused feelings that painted my face. I had to try. What else could I do?
* * *
Once the revelers had quieted, the bard starting warbling the wedding song, a cue that it was time for the bride and groom to depart for their marriage chamber. Taking my hand, Macbeth led me from the feasting hall to the stairs. The revelers followed, calling to us, cheering and offering their blessings. Hand in hand, we went upstairs.
“Gruoch,” Macbeth said carefully as we neared my chamber door. “Lulach is barely two months old. I was advised that you may not be able to…”
My stomach lurched. The hard ride north in the wake of Gillacoemgain’s death had wounded me. In truth, I was not ready to take a man. Neither in body nor in spirit.
“You are advised rightly. I cannot yet consummate the marriage. But…you can come in all the same and…stay.” I forced the last words out of my mouth.
Macbeth smiled softly then followed me inside.
Ute and Lulach waited in the outer chamber. Thora lay sleeping in front of the fire.
“Shall I take Lulach to my chamber for a time, my lady?” Ute asked, her eyes downcast. I noticed the red on her cheeks.
“Yes, please.”
“Come on, Thora,” she said, calling to my dog who followed reluctantly.
Taking Macbeth by the hand, I led him to my inner bedchamber. Ute had lit candles all around the room. I smelled the scent of new, sweet straw. The linens on my bed were fresh. The room was warm, the fire burning cheerfully. A decanter of wine was sitting on the table near the hearth.
“If you’re tired…” Macbeth began but stopped when I took his hands.
I gazed into his blue eyes. There was a reason the Goddess had allowed me to walk between the worlds to this man. There was a reason Andraste had shown this man to me in the cauldron. Even if my heart was not yet ready to love him, I had to have faith.
I leaned in and pressed my lips against his.
His lips were soft and warm, the lingering taste of sweets spicing his mouth. At first, he seemed to hesitate, but a moment later, he fell into the kiss. Free of his reservations, Macbeth’s passion surprised me. His hands roved everywhere, feeling every curve of my body. Before I was even aware of what was happening, he had loosened the fastens of my dress and was slipping it off. I was rather surprised at his deft hands. It felt like it had taken Ute forever to lace up the gown. He pulled off his shirt, revealing a pale but muscular chest. He then slid off his pants and stood naked before me. He lifted my thin chemise then pulled off my undergarments until I stood naked before him.
He lifted me and lay me on the bed. Crawling into the bed beside me, his hands moved across my breasts. Still full of milk, they were nearly twice their normal size. Macbeth kissed my mouth and neck, his mouth drifting down to my body to my belly button where he stopped. He inhaled deeply, mastering himself, his eyes glancing over my body and down to the downy hair between my legs. I was not ready. I had told him.
Once more, he pressed his mouth to mine.
I touched him gently, feeling his back, his chest. He was breathing hard.
“I know I cannot have you as I wish. That will come in time. But would you… Would you pleasure me?” he whispered, gently taking my hand and placing it on his hard cock.
I nodded.
Macbeth lay back then, touching my hair gently as I lay a trail of kisses down his chest, below his waist, where he waited, hard and erect. I pushed all thoughts from my mind. I focused on the moment. This was my husband now, my life now. It was right that I should try to give pleasure to my new husband.
He quickly found release. Thereafter, I lay in his arms once more while he set soft kisses on my head. My mind was screaming protests, but I closed the door on it, shutting out the hundred versions of me, all of which had a different complaint. I felt like I might go mad if I listened to them all. I lay my head on Macbeth’s chest, listening to the beating of his heart. After a few minutes, he rose and poured us both a glass of wine.
He handed a goblet to me.
Standing there in the nude, he drank one goblet of wine then another. He stared off toward the window as if lost in thought. When he polished off the second cup, he picked up his clothes and started getting dressed.
“You can stay if you wish,” I said. Perhaps that had not been the way husbands and wives had lived at Malcolm’s court, but in my mind, a husband and wife should share a bed. I was about to say so when Macbeth replied.
“No, that’s all right. Lulach will need you soon. When you’re… recovered, perhaps.”
My stomach lurched. Was he angry that I could not give him my body? I had done what I could to please him. I thought he had understood.
“Macbeth?” I said, sitting up. My heart beat hard. I was doing everything I could to bridge the gap between us, but my physical state was not something I could easily fix. He surely understood that, didn’t he? He’d said as much.
Macbeth buttoned up his doublet then pulled on his boots. “Rest, Gruoch. When you have recovered from the birth of my uncle’s son, we’ll work on making a child of our own and truly enjoy one another’s bodies. It’s not your fault. I’ll see you in the morning,” he said and then left.
Sitting naked and alone, I stared at the closed door behind him.
My head felt like it was spinning.
What had just happened?
My legs shaking, I rose and dressed in my sleeping gown. I felt too ashamed to go tell Ute to return with Lulach. I lay back down on the bed and stared into the fire. Before long, I felt a tear slide down my cheek. While I was trying to convince myself that it would be okay to love him, Macbeth had been trying to convince himself it was okay to marry the widow of Gillacoemgain. All his life he’d been waiting for me, waiting to marry, and on his wedding night, he couldn’t make love to his wife because her body was still recovering from giving birth to another man’s child.
I rose, slipped on a heavy robe and a pair of boots. Taking a lantern, I headed out of my chambers and down the halls to Macbeth’s wing of the castle. A guard was stationed outside Macbeth’s door.
“Is Lord Macbeth within?” I asked the guard.
The man, who I did not know, would not meet my eye. “Sleeping, my lady.”
I stood there a moment and waited.
The guard didn’t move.
I realized then that the guard had no intentions of moving. He had already given me an answer. Macbeth was sleeping. He would not be disturbed.
“Very well. Goodnight,” I said then turned to go.
The man nodded but said nothing.
As I was walking away, I heard a sound from nearby. Somewhere close, I heard the sound of a man’s voice and a woman’s soft laughter.
I stopped and looked around, my eyes drifting to the courtyard below. There were several people milling about. Everyone below, full of wine and food, seemed merry. Sighing, I cast a glance back at Macbeth’s chamber door then returned to my own wing of the castle.