Banquo sat down beside me.
“You’re bleeding,” I whispered, reaching out toward his broken face.
Banquo shook his head, dismissing it. He gently touched my cheek. “Do you think it was the tonic you made for Ute?” he whispered.
“No. I was careful. Epona taught me well.”
“The wagon?”
“It started before that. I just didn’t realize. It was just not meant to be.”
A look of guilt crossed Banquo’s face.
“It is not your fault, no matter what Macbeth said.”
“You heard?”
“I heard enough.”
Banquo exhaled. “He’s so damned difficult. I hoped you would never know that side of him.”
“It’s the side I know best.”
“Then I am truly sorry.”
Banquo gazed at me. He sighed heavily then took my hand in his. He closed his eyes and began whispering softly. From the cadence of his words, I knew he was casting an incantation. He pulled out his dagger and opened his palm. He made a small cut, following the scar on his palm from our handfasting. He then wet one finger with his own blood. Opening my hand where I had a similar scar, he drew a rune in blood. He whispered as he spoke, and I felt magic in the air around us. When he was done, he whispered, “So mote it be” then closed my hand.
Banquo leaned over me and kissed me on my brow.
“Banquo?”
“Rest. I’ll stay nearby. When Macbeth returns, he can either murder me or have Thorfinn force me to leave. But I’m not going until you are out of danger.”
“Ah, here we go,” Morag said, returning once more. She carried a mug of something and a bundle of steaming cloth. A strong, heady herb smell filled the air.
“Banquo, will you please check on Ute,” I whispered.
He nodded then left.
Morag smiled after him then turned me so she could apply the hot compress to my back. “A good man, the Thane. I was a maid for his mother. I have always served the house of Lochaber. I was with him when he was just a boy. Banquo cares deeply for you.” There was no accusation there, only understanding. But the comment led me to wonder just how much Morag knew.
I closed my eyes. Everything was going wrong.
I should have listened to Banquo that night in Gillacoemgain’s chamber. We should have walked between the worlds and disappeared forever. Now it was too late.
As I drifted off the sleep, I dreamed once more.
This time, I was walking through the ruins of Ynes Verleath to the temple of the goddess. The place was the same as it had always been. But I felt different.
“Cerridwen?”
I smiled at the sound of my name. My heart filled with joy when I looked up to see Banquo at the top of the temple stairs. His dark hair had faded to silver. He wore it long. He smiled and beckoned to me.
Leaning against my tall staff, my steps slow, I went to him, my heart filled with love.
Chapter 26
I rested for the next several days, Morag and Merna attending me, Banquo making regular visits. But I had not once seen Macbeth. My child was gone. Once more, it was only Macbeth and me in the marriage. His absence clearly denoted his thoughts on the state of affairs.
On the third day, I was up once more, sitting by the fire when Banquo came in. He had a frustrated expression on his face.
“What is it?”
“Macbeth has arranged for the return south. I had asked him to delay a few more days, but he will not have it. We sail tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow?”
Banquo sat down then shook his head. “He’s…unreasonable right now, despite Thorfinn’s best efforts. And he will not hear from me. At all. I will sail back to Lochaber. Ask Macbeth to send you to Madelaine. It would do you well to be with your sisters at this time.”
I nodded then stared into the fire.
“He blames me,” Banquo whispered.
“How could this possibly be your fault?”
Banquo sighed.
“I need to get my house ready,” Banquo said. “Is there anything I can do for you?”
I shook my head. “I’ll be all right.”
Banquo set his hand on my shoulder then left.
* * *
I didn’t see Macbeth at all that day, but he sent men to begin stowing our belongings for the trip south. The idea that Macbeth was brooding vexed me. I was enduring the hardship alone. Ute, who had lost her own child in secret, carried her own burden. Why was Macbeth acting like this? And where was he? Didn’t he care at all how I was? Did he really have no love for me? Was I truly just a tool, a name, a womb to bolster his legacy? Every time I thought it, anger rocked me.
By the time Macbeth finally arrived, I had worked myself up into a fury. The raven had choice words for this puppet of the White Christ who would use my body to make himself king.
“Gruoch, we’ll set to sail in the morning. Thorfinn will feast us tonight, and we’ll sail at dawn,” he said, looking everywhere but at me.
“How nice of you to inform me.”
Macbeth stiffened. “I am trying to get you home as quickly as possible.”
“Why? To stuff another child inside me right away?”
“I… Gruoch, have you lost your mind? I’m trying to get you home so you can recover in comfort.”
The raven laughed. “Liar,” I spat out. “Where have you been, Macbeth? You left me all alone in this house, not even bothering to comfort me, to see if I would live or die. Where have you been? And now you’re packing me up to send me south like some damned animal.”
“I was praying to God for your life, Gruoch! What good would it serve to sit at your bedside and pet your head? I was praying to God to save you.”
“Well, tell your god thank you. I’m alive.”
“But my child—”
“Our child. We both lost a child.”
“I told you not to go running about the countryside again. I warned you. But you are so reckless, so willful. Banquo is too bold in his handling of you. One would think he believes he’s your husband, not me.”
“So I am to blame? Banquo is to blame? Sometimes it is not meant to be, Macbeth, and that is all. I was surprised I could conceive at all.”
Macbeth made a grunting sound that sounded almost like a growl. He ran his fingers through his hair so forcefully I thought he’d rip his hair from his scalp.
“Tomorrow, we’ll go home,” he said then turned and left, slamming the door behind him.
I sat staring into the fire. I was not to blame. Neither was Banquo. But Macbeth’s words had cut close to the heart. Macbeth did not know how true his words were. Perhaps he could feel the secret just under the surface, an itch he could not scratch. I set my hand on my now empty womb. I had not thought much of the little one who had lived and died there. It had not felt like a real thing to me, not in the way Lulach and Crearwy had. In truth, I had felt indifferent toward the child. How strange. Lulach and Crearwy had come to me unwanted, unbidden, but I had loved them both fiercely. I’d wanted a child with Macbeth, or so I’d thought. If so, why did I feel so empty about it?
Frowning, I rose. Working slowly, I packed my things and got ready to travel south.
* * *
That night, we feasted with Thorfinn and the others in the hall. Macbeth neither spoke nor looked at Banquo. Thorfinn tried to keep up the cheer, but the room seemed more subdued than usual. Merna and Banquo departed as soon as they had eaten. Not long after, I also said my farewells, leaving Macbeth, who’d seemed not to notice, behind.
I was walking back to my house when the skald Anor joined me.
“Lady, I am sorry to see you depart. And I’m even more sorry to hear of your woes.”