“No… I… I couldn’t do that to Merna.”
Finally, a name. “Merna. Is she a good wife?”
Banquo paused. “Yes,” he said then sighed. When he looked at me again, there were tears welling in his eyes. “Cerridwen, what can we do?”
“We must wait until the next life to be together.”
“How can you say that?”
“Search your heart.”
Banquo shook his head. “It’s not right. This is not the path. Cerridwen, I still love you!”
“And I still love you. But soon I will be Macbeth’s wife, as I was Gillacoemgain’s.”
“I cannot bear it.”
“You can, and you must. I must. We will bear it. In the least, we can be together.”
“Like this?”
“This something is better than nothing.”
“We are bound by spirit!” Banquo said, sticking out his hand to show the scar thereon.
I took his hand, pressing the scar on my palm against his. “Yes,” I whispered, lacing my fingers in his.
Banquo stared at me. “Cerridwen,” he whispered.
I shook my head. “Gruoch.”
“No. My queen. My Boudicca. My Cerridwen. You’ll never be Gruoch to me.”
“This is the sad reality we must accept. I am Gruoch, Daughter of Boite and Lady of Moray. I am the mother of Lulach, son of Gillacoemgain. You must know me as such. See me in this space.”
“There are more places in this world than just this one,” Banquo said then smiled.
“Yes. And in those spaces, you and Cerridwen are one.”
“Always,” he whispered.
“Always,” I repeated.
From outside, Macbeth’s voice rose up to the casement. “Where is the rider? I’ll send word south to Malcolm. The Lady of Moray is mine.”
Chapter 6
Banquo left me shortly thereafter. I went to the window. The moon lit up the night’s sky. In the torchlight, I could see Macbeth in the yard. I watched him as he read over dispatches, commanding his troops. A few moment later, Banquo appeared at his side. After the two had a brief discussion, Banquo set off in the direction of the stables. He cast a glance up at me. I lifted my hand. He smiled at me, a distressed expression on his face, then headed off.
How strange that we would find one another in this place, under these circumstances. Aridmis had once foretold that we would be reunited in the outside world. At the time, I’d hoped that meant we would be married. Now, it seemed, I was going to marry his lord and friend.
I gazed down at Macbeth. How many times had I seen him in my cauldron, visited him in spirit? He was my raven-haired man. Now, after I’d nearly forgotten him, he appeared. Sorrow swept over me. It was too much to bear. The loss of Gillacoemgain, finding Macbeth, and my unexpected reunion with Banquo…sometimes I felt like the Goddess was merciless. My body was torn and sore from childbirth. My breasts ached, overfull with milk. I felt weary and miserable.
Closing the shutters, I crossed the room and lit the candle sitting at Gillacoemgain’s bedside. The room was alive with his memory: his clothes, his weapons, and even his smell permeated the place. I lay down on the bed for just a moment, breathing in his scent, a sweet mix of lavender and cedar. In the weeks to come, his smell would dissipate and be gone forever. I buried my face in his pillow.
“Gillacoemgain,” I whispered. “I loved you.”
A sharp pain shot across my head, and my body trembled, an odd metal taste filling my mouth. I closed my eyes and tried to force away the tremors that wanted to impose themselves on me. If I let them in, I would fall into the abyss. I tried…but I failed.
A tremor racked me hard. A stabbing ache blasted across my skull, making my ears ring. I clutched the blankets and breathed deeply, inhaling the last of Gillacoemgain. My body began to twitch. I gripped the blankets tighter, pressing my face into the bed, biting at the very fabric as I was struck violently. I twisted and shook. My back contorted. I could barely breathe. As I trembled, I opened my eyes just a crack, and at that moment I saw Gillacoemgain’s shade reaching for me, trying desperately to help me. I closed my eyes, and everything went black.
* * *
“My lady?” I Ute called followed by a knock on the door. “My lady?”
“Yes… Yes, I’m here,” I said, sitting up. The candle had burned low. I looked down at the bed to see blood on the coverlet.
Ute opened the door.
“My lady? Gruoch, are you all right?”
I looked down at the front of my dress. It was covered in blood.
“Your nose,” Ute said, pulling out a cloth.
I wiped my hand under my nose. It was stained with blood.
“I feel sick,” I told her.
She rushed across the room, returning with a pot.
Taking it from her hands, I vomited.
“What happened?” Ute asked.
“I don’t know. My head aches,” I said. My eyes hurt. It felt like someone was pressing them out from the inside.
“I was getting worried. Our little lord is looking for you. Tira is with him now. Are you sure you’re all right?”
“I’ll be fine now. It’s just… It was too much riding. Too much everything. I’ll be all right now.”
Her arm around my waist, Ute led me back to the chamber where I’d been staying before I’d gone south. There, I found Tira and Lulach.
“He’s fussing for you, my lady,” Tira said then looked up at me. It was then that she spotted the blood on my gown. “Oh, my lady! What happened?”
“Just a nosebleed.”
Tira’s brow furrowed with worry. She handed Lulach to me. “Feisty boy.”
I smiled down at the baby.
“He looks like his father,” Tira added. “I see our lord in his brow.”
I hated to tell her that there was no way he could look like Gillacoemgain.
“Thank you,” I said simply.
“My lady, I asked the other servants. No one has seen Eochaid. He probably ran off when the trouble started,” Tira said.
“Thank you for inquiring,” I replied. No doubt Eochaid had disappeared, but not to where they suspected.
I settled into a seat before the fire and set Lulach to my breast. I closed my eyes.
“Ute, please arrange for our things to be sent to Inverness. And check on the household staff. Some of them may want to come along. We won’t need to keep many servants at Cawdor now, but I don’t want them to be out of work. Any who wish to come may join us.”
“Yes, my lady.”
“Is Standish staying on as sentinel? If not, make sure the new sentinel knows that the closed wing of Cawdor must remain closed. No one—and I mean no one—may go there. Nothing should be disturbed therein, just as Gillacoemgain ordered. This is Lulach’s castle now. We’ll keep it as his father has always done.”
“Yes, my lady,” she said, laying a new dress on the end of the bed. “Can I help you change?”
“No, I’ll be all right.”
“Yes, my lady,” she said with a curtsey then exited.
Drowsy, my head aching, I nursed Lulach into sleep. When he finally drifted off, I rose and laid him gently down on the bed. How sweet he looked, his small mouth working as if he were nursing in his sleep. He opened and closed his tiny hands. His breathing was slow and peaceful. Moving carefully, I lay down on the bed beside him, studying his face. As I looked at his brow, I thought about Tira’s words. The shape of his forehead and angle of his eyebrows was rather like Gillacoemgain. And so was his chin. At least the deception would be more convincing if he did, by chance, have some looks reminiscent of Gillacoemgain. I kissed him on his brow then closed my eyes.
I must have fallen asleep then because I was startled when I heard a knock on the door.