In bed she snuggled down, pulling the blankets over her head so that the world was reduced to this tiny space where she could relive his kiss again and again, and dream of the time when it would be truly meant for her.
‘One day,’ she whispered. ‘One day soon-please-’
She was young enough to believe that if she desired something fiercely enough she could make it happen. Wasn’t he already half hers? It was just a question of being patient. She was smiling as she fell asleep.
For the next few days she saw him only briefly as he arrived for work in the garage. Her hours were full as her duties increased. Although still technically a student, she was at the top of her class and often assigned to extra duties around the hospital. These were always carried out under the eagle-eye of her superiors, but she was trusted more than any of the others, due to Mr Royce’s recommendation. He seldom praised her to her face. But she came to realise that he expressed a high opinion of her to others.
When she tried to thank him, he was polite but reserved.
‘You must all become the best nurses in the world,’ he said, ‘because you’ll soon be needed.’
‘You really believe there’ll be a war?’
‘Certainly I do. And so does every thinking person. Now get to work and pass those exams in style.’
From Sylvia there was no word, but one evening, as she was leaving for work, she found a letter for her at the reception desk. It had been delivered by hand.
I dare not write to you at home, in case Mum finds the letter first and tears it up. I know Mum will say I’m a disgrace to the family, and Dad will agree with her because he always does. But perhaps I can explain to you, make you understand.
You’re wondering how I could ever have left Mark, aren’t you? You see, I know how you feel about him. It was there in your eyes when you weren’t guarding them.
I did once think I was in love with him. Any girl would feel that. He’s good-looking, charming and fun. They were all after him and I felt proud that he’d chosen me. But then things went wrong. He seemed to feel that he had the right to do as he liked and never mind anyone else. He didn’t mean to be selfish but he’s made that way. If he wanted to flirt, he flirted. If I showed that I minded, I was ‘making a fuss about nothing’.
On New Year’s Eve, when you saw me fooling around with other lads, I was only trying to make Mark jealous. Even back then he was too sure of me. I thought it wouldn’t hurt him to know he’s not the only man in the world, but it didn’t really work because he’s so self-confident.
Do you remember that talk we had one night, when I said that there were other men who wanted me? I think I already knew that Phil was the one. I know he’s married, and it’s wrong. I’m a ‘bad girl’. But he’s kind and gentle, and he loves me. He tries to please me because it matters to him that I’m happy. Mark never cared in that way.
There was one final paragraph that stood out starkly.
Be careful, my dear. Don’t let Mark hurt you, which he could do very easily. I was lucky. I saw through him, but you might not. Love him a little, if you must, but don’t give him your whole heart. He won’t know what to do with it.
Dee couldn’t read any more. Inside her was a storm of confused feelings. Selfish. Inconsiderate. Self-centred. That was how Sylvia saw Mark, and it wasn’t true. How could she say such things? They weren’t true!
Then the real reason came to her. Sylvia was simply trying to justify herself at Mark’s expense. The relief was enormous. Of course he wasn’t anything like that.
But you were, my darling. In some ways, you were like two men. One was the man who behaved so generously over the ruined bike, and was so tender and kind to Billy.
The other man was exactly as Sylvia had described. And why not? You were twenty-three and far too handsome for your own good, never mind anyone else’s. You looked like a film star, people treated you like a film star, and so you acted like a film star. It’s amazing that you were as kind and sweet-tempered as you were.
I didn’t see it, of course. These days, a girl of eighteen can be sophisticated, but in those days you were still practically a child, under your parents’ authority. I was far too immature myself to recognise immaturity in you, or I might have noticed that Sylvia’s actions hurt your pride more than your heart. I thought you were perfect, and I tried to forget what she’d said about you.
But I couldn’t. Now and then there’d be a moment when I saw what she’d been talking about, despite how much I loved you.
Why are you sleeping so restlessly? Are you having those troubled dreams again? You haven’t had them for years, but I suppose the party tonight brought it all back. There, there! Let me make it better, like I did before. You always said there was no one like me to help you fight the nightmares.
Hush, my darling! I’m here…I’m here.
CHAPTER SIX
ONE night in March, when Mark was to take her out for supper, she arrived home from work, expecting to find him.
‘He’s not here,’ her father said. ‘I had to give him the day off.’
‘But where has he gone?’
‘I don’t know. He wouldn’t say. Very mysterious, he was. But he wants you to meet him at that new café down the road, and he says you’re to wear your best dress.’
On winged feet she flew down the street, bursting into the café and looking around for him eagerly.
He wasn’t there.
Never mind. Soon. Just be patient. She ordered a pot of tea and settled down to wait and plan. Between work and studying her schedule was heavy, but still she could count on an outing with him once a week, to maintain their pretence. And she would use that time to win his heart, so that gradually she would become his real girlfriend and then…perhaps…
Be sensible. You’re not a lovelorn dreamer. You’re Nurse Parsons, top of the class, probably Matron Parsons one day.
But who wanted to be sensible? With a little female cunning, it could all be made to happen just as she wanted. She began to feel like the scheming, adventurous women of history. Messalina, Delilah, Cleopatra; they had nothing on her. Soon Mark would sigh at her feet.
Or at least he might if he were here.
She had to wait an hour for him, but her heart soared when she saw his expression. He was lit up, brilliant with excitement. He rushed over, planted a kiss on her mouth, then settled in the seat opposite, holding her hands in his and almost shaking them in his eagerness.
She could have wept with joy to think that a meeting with her could do this to him.
‘I can’t tell you-’ he said, almost stammering. ‘If you only knew-all the way here I’ve been thinking what to say-’
‘To say what?’ she begged, inwardly singing.
‘I’ve done it at last. It came over me suddenly that this was the perfect time. I lay awake all last night planning it, and this morning I asked your father for the day off.’ He took a deep breath. ‘I’ve done it. I’ve joined up.’
‘You’ve-what?’
‘I’ve joined the Air Force. Not the official force but the Auxiliaries.’
She knew what he meant because since the time he’d first mentioned his desire to fly, she’d done some reading on the subject. The Auxiliary Air Force was a corps of civilians who learned flying skills and were ready to be called up if war broke out.
‘I’ll stay here,’ Mark said, ‘but go for training at weekends. When the war begins, I’ll become part of the official force.’
‘When it begins? Not if?’
‘Come on, we all know what’s going to happen. They’re about to start conscripting men of my age, and if I’d left it any longer I could have been drafted into the army. By acting now, I’ve made sure I choose the service I want to join. And it means I can learn to fly. Isn’t that wonderful?’