‘Wonderful,’ she echoed.
And that was it. The dream of winning his love, his joyful look that she’d thought was for her-what had she been thinking of? He barely knew she existed.
Stupid, stupid girl! Sit here and listen to him, try to sound enthusiastic, don’t let him guess what you’re really feeling.
‘It’ll be easier on you, too,’ he said. ‘I won’t be around so much so you won’t have to pretend to be my girlfriend nearly as often. We’ll just make an appearance now and then.’
‘That’s very thoughtful of you,’ she said faintly.
Sylvia seemed to be there whispering, Be careful. He’s not thinking of you really. He’s done what he wants.
‘You said once that you dreamed of flying,’ she mused.
‘Someone told me you had to have the “right background” before the Auxiliaries would look at you. But they’re taking in more people now because they know what’s coming. And I’m going to be part of it. I’m going to be a pilot, maybe fly a Spitfire or a Hurricane, and it’ll be the best thing that ever happened to me.’
‘Unless you get killed,’ she murmured.
‘I won’t get killed. I’m indestructible.’
‘But you’re getting ready to fight. You could be shot down, or just crash.’
‘Why are you being so gloomy?’ he asked, faintly irritated. ‘I’ve got my heart’s desire and you can only look on the dark side.’
‘Well, if you got hurt or killed I would find that rather gloomy,’ she said, troubled by his inability to understand.
‘That’s very nice of you, but let’s not dwell on something that isn’t going to happen. Come on, let’s get out of here and celebrate.’
‘Is this why I’m in my best dress?’
‘Yes, we’re going to The Star Barn, that dance hall in Cavey Street.’
In a plush dance hall the music came from an orchestra. The poorer ones had a piano or gramophone records. The Star Barn compromised with a three-piece band that made up in volume what it lacked in skill.
She was still a little hurt at the way Mark seemed absorbed in his own point of view and oblivious to hers. It came too close to Sylvia’s warning. But the feeling vanished as he took her into his arms, and she felt the vivid joy that possessed him communicate itself to her flesh from his. Impossible to stay troubled while her body was against his, their faces so close, his eyes alight with an almost demonic energy.
One dance ran into another until the whole evening was an endless stream of movement. It had been a hard day at work and she’d been tired at the start of the evening, but mysteriously she wasn’t tired now. Every moment with him invigorated her.
‘You’re a terrific dancer,’ he said, gasping slightly. ‘Let’s go faster.’
‘Yes, let’s.’
She managed to seize the initiative, driving him on until they were both breathless, and somehow they danced out of the hall into the deserted lobby. To the end of her days she had no memory of how they’d got there.
‘You shouldn’t have done that,’ Mark warned her.
‘Why?’
‘Because now I’m going to do this,’ he said, taking her in his arms and kissing her firmly.
It wasn’t like the other times, a skilful pretence to deceive onlookers. They were alone and it was the real thing. Now the pressure of his mouth was intense and determined, saying that he wasn’t fooling any more and what was she going to do about it?
There was only one possible answer. It was she who moved her lips first, not to escape his but to caress them, revel in the sensation and drive him on further. It was something she’d never done before and she didn’t understand how she knew about it. The knowledge seemed to have been part of her for ever, dormant, waiting for this moment to awake. Now it wasn’t merely awake but triumphant, determined to make the most of every last thrilling moment.
She was a novice, exploring the first steps of physical love, learning fast but needing to learn more. He taught her, moving his mouth against hers with practised skill, teasing, inciting, leading her blissfully to the next lesson, and then the next. She pressed closer, every inch of her clamouring to learn.
Then, with cruel abruptness, it was over and he was pushing her away from him. When she tried to reach for him again he fended her off.
‘Stop it, Dee. We have to stop!’ His voice was harsh, almost cruel.
‘I’m sorry…what-? Did I do something wrong?’ She was almost in tears.
‘No, you did everything right-too right. That’s the problem.’
She misunderstood and her hands flew to her mouth. ‘You think I’m a bad girl, that I always do this, but you’re wrong, you’re wrong.’
‘No, I don’t mean that. I know you’re innocent. You must be or you’d have been more careful. Only an innocent would have pushed me to the edge like that.’
‘I don’t understand,’ she whispered.
He sighed. ‘No, you don’t, do you?’ He took her back into his arms, but pressing her head against his shoulder, careful to avoid her face. ‘Don’t cry. It’s not your fault. But I had to stop when I did, or I wouldn’t have been able to stop at all, and then I’d have done something that would make you hate me.’
She couldn’t answer. Her heart was thundering, her whole body trembling with thwarted desire.
Hate him? What did he mean? She hated him now for leaving her like this, desperate to go on to the end and discover the secret. She pressed closer to him, hoping to remind him of what they had shared, what they might still share.
‘Let’s go home,’ he said grimly.
They went home in silence. He didn’t even hold her hand, but kept several feet away. Dee crossed her arms over her chest as though trying to protect herself and walked with her head down, staring at the pavement, feeling alienated from the whole world, but especially from the man she loved, who was acting as though she didn’t exist.
When they stopped at her front door he seemed uneasy and there was a thoughtful look on his face.
‘You’re full of surprises,’ he said. ‘I guess there’s a lot more to you than meets the eye. Don’t look at me like that. I can’t explain right now, especially as your mother is just behind the curtains, watching us. But you…well, anyway…’
He dropped a modest peck on her cheek, said a hurried, ‘Goodnight,’ and walked away.
Weary and depressed, Dee let herself into the house. As Mark had observed, Helen was waiting for her, in dressing gown and curlers.
‘Well?’ she demanded. ‘Did he behave himself?’
‘Oh, yes,’ Dee said softly. ‘He behaved himself. Goodnight, Mum.’
She ran upstairs as fast as she could.
As Mark had predicted, conscription started the following month, and he’d been wise to get into the Air Force while he still had a choice.
Now she saw him only briefly, as his free time was taken up by the squadron, located just outside London. Joe was immensely proud of him and showed it by giving him Saturdays off so that he could devote the whole weekend to training to be a pilot.
‘I couldn’t be more proud if he was my own son,’ he confided to his wife. ‘And, after all, that may happen.’ He finished with a significant look at Dee, out in the garden.
‘Hmm!’ Helen said. ‘Hasn’t he caused enough trouble in this family?’
‘It wasn’t his fault; I thought we agreed that.’
‘I just don’t like what’s happening to Dee. Something’s not right.’
‘She’s just missing him. It’s happening all over the country now the men are joining up.’
He began inviting Mark in for supper on the days he knew Dee would be home, partly for his daughter’s sake and partly because he was consumed with curiosity. He loved nothing better than to listen while Mark described his life as a budding pilot.
‘They let me take the controls the other day,’ he recalled once. ‘I can’t begin to tell you what it’s like up there, feeling as though all the power in the world was yours, and you could do anything you wanted.’