His pride in his approaching fatherhood was immense. He was home every evening, something that made her an object of envy among her friends, and his whole attitude towards his wife, and marriage generally, exuded contentment. Dee knew that she was lucky, and that it was sheer perversity that made her long for some sign that she was more to him than just the mother of his baby, that he’d married her for more than the refuge she offered.
At last it was time for her to leave her job. On the last day there was a small party in the early evening, with speeches from Sister, Matron and even Mr Royce, who’d found the time to drop in. While he was toasting her, Dee looked up to see Mark standing in the door, a glowering expression on his face that she’d never seen before.
Now she recalled how he’d said that Mr Royce was in love with her, even advised her to catch him and make a ‘good’ marriage. But that was nonsense, wasn’t it? Surely Mark had abandoned that fantasy?
But his scowling face said otherwise.
‘I see that your husband has come to collect you,’ Mr Royce said genially. ‘Take her home, sir, and take the best possible care of her, because she means the world to all of us.’
Mark’s smile seemed fixed on by rivets. ‘I don’t need to be told to take care of my wife,’ he said in a soft voice that only Dee and Mr Royce could hear. ‘Are you ready to go?’
‘Yes, quite ready.’
He drove her home in the battered second-hand car that he’d bought to celebrate her pregnancy.
‘You should go to bed now,’ he said as they entered the house.
‘I’d like some supper first.’
‘All right, but then you go to bed. You need all the rest you can get.’
‘Excuse me, are you instructing me in a medical matter?’ she asked indignantly.
‘This isn’t medical, it’s husband and wife,’ he said illogically.
Joe was out that evening, which was just as well, she thought, considering Mark’s temper.
‘You’re not still making a fuss about Mr Royce, surely?’ she demanded, annoyed in her turn, and perfectly ready to have a row if that was what he wanted.
‘Shouldn’t I be? Do you really think he’s over you?’
‘I’m not sure there was ever anything for him to get over. It was just in your imagination.’
‘Like hell it was! Do you think I’ve forgotten that he’s the man you ought to have married?’
‘Who says?’
‘We both know it’s true.’
‘Then why didn’t I marry him?’
‘Because I forced you to marry me.’
Astonishment held her silent. After a moment he turned to see her properly.
‘We both know it’s true,’ he said. ‘Once I’d made you pregnant you didn’t have a choice. That’s what I was counting on.’
‘You were…counting…?’ She was groping for answers, trying to come to terms with this.
‘Why do you think I came to you night after night-?’ he growled.
‘Or I came to you.’
‘I was trying to make you pregnant, so that I could marry you.’
It took a moment for the full glorious truth of this to burst on her.
‘You wanted to-you actually wanted to marry me?’
‘Don’t pretend you didn’t know.’
‘I’ve never known. Why didn’t you just propose?’
‘Because I had no right. What kind of prospect was I? Nothing to offer you beyond a damaged body and a load of nightmares. I didn’t have the nerve to ask. But if you were pregnant it would be my duty to marry you, and I could square it with my conscience that way.’
Dee listened to this with mounting disbelief.
‘Don’t glare at me,’ he said. ‘Are you angry?’
‘Angry? Mark, have you never understood? I wanted to marry you, and you were determined not to ask me, so I became pregnant on purpose.’
‘What?’
‘I had to do it, to force your hand.’
‘Do you mean that you…that while I was trying to force…that all the time you were…is that what you’re saying?’
‘Yes,’ she said through twitching lips. ‘That’s exactly what I’m saying. At least, I think it is. Oh, darling, it’s crazy. We each wanted to get married, and we forced each other. And all this time-’
The last words were almost drowned by his shout of laughter. ‘Come here,’ he cried. ‘Come here.’
Crowing with delight, she threw herself into his arms, kissing his face madly, fumbling for his buttons.
‘Let’s go upstairs,’ she urged. ‘We have to celebrate this in the proper way.’
But the words acted like a douche of cold water on him, making him freeze in mid-gesture and step back from her.
‘What am I doing?’ he groaned. ‘I must be out of my mind to even think of…I’m sorry-forgive me.’
‘Darling, it’s all right. We can go ahead.’
‘You’re pregnant. It could harm you-or our baby.’
‘Trust me to know about that. There’s a little time left before we have to stop, I promise you.’
She thought she’d swayed him. He reached for her with desperate hands, then snatched them back, groaning.
‘No, you’re just indulging me, but I won’t risk your health. Stay away. Don’t tempt me.’
He ran, and a few moments later she heard him in the garage.
She wanted to scream her frustration to the heavens. They had taken one more step along the road, potentially a happy step. He wanted her. He’d wanted to marry her.
True, he hadn’t actually said he loved her, but that would come, surely, the first time she could tempt him back into her arms? But he’d made it clear that the baby meant more to him than she did, so for the moment she would have to be patient again.
But she was so tired of being patient.
After her busy life, it was pleasant to have time for herself and to be cared for by two concerned men. In the afternoons she began putting her feet up, regarding her growing bump with placid contentment.
She was half dozing like this one day when there was a knock on the door. Opening it, she found Harry, the airman who’d been a guest at the wedding.
‘I’m afraid Mark’s not here,’ she told him. ‘He’s working on a car at the owner’s home.’
‘It doesn’t matter. I just wanted to deliver this.’ He held out a large envelope. ‘It seems that all Mark’s things weren’t cleared out when he left and they found this recently. Very sorry. Can’t stop, I’m in a hurry.’
He blew her a friendly kiss and departed.
The envelope wasn’t sealed and she tipped the contents out onto the table. There were a couple of stray socks and a few papers concerned with his time in the service. It was while sorting through these that she came across the letter he’d written her and never sent:
…You were right to break it off. I’m a useless character and I’d be no good for you…
The touch of humility took her breath away. He’d spoken like that once before, after his injury, but this had been written before. Had he felt like this even back then? Surely in those days he’d been different, more at ease behind the mask of bonhomie?
From the garage came the sound of clanking as Joe worked away. Mark would be back soon. Gathering everything together, she hurried up to her room and shut the door. Safely alone, she resumed reading the letter.
…Do you still have the Mad Bruin?…let him remind you of me sometimes; even if it’s only the annoying things…never seem to understand when you want to be left alone…
But I never wanted you to leave me alone, she thought sadly. I wanted more of you, not less.
The letter became disjointed, suggesting that he’d returned to it often, while never finishing it.
Dee threw herself back on the bed, trying to come to terms with the discovery. Her heart was touched by the man she found here, a vulnerable man, not the cockily self-confident loudmouth he tried to present to the world. But someone who was secretly waiting for love to let him down-as it always had done, going back to his earliest days.