"Perhaps that's why we've always gotten along so well," I purred. "However, you're quite right. I have no intention of working for free. I was thinking of leaving the court of Possiltum to seek employment elsewhere."
The chancellor's eyebrows shot up.
"While I won't argue your plan, I must admit it surprises me. I was under the impression you were quite enamored of your position here in 'a soft job,' I believe is how your scaly apprentice describes it. What could possibly entice you to trade the comforts of court life for an uncertain future on the open road?"
"Why, a bribe, of course," I smiled. "A lump sum of a thousand gold pieces."
"I see," Grimble murmured softly. "And who's offering this bribe, if I might ask?"
I stared at the ceiling.
"Actually, I was rather hoping that, you would."
There was a bit of haggling after that, but mostly on the terms of our agreement. Grimble really wanted Aahz and me out of his accounts, though I suspect he would have been less malleable if he had realized he was only dealing with me. There was a bit of name calling and breast beating, but the end result is what counts, and that end result was my heading for my quarters, a thousand gold pieces richer in exchange for a promise that it was the last money I would ever receive from Grimble. It was one more reason for my being on my way as soon as possible.
With light heart and heavy purse, I entered my quarters.
Remember the last time I entered my quarters? How there was a demon waiting for me? Well, it happened again.
Now don't get me wrong. This isn't a regular occurrence in my day-to-day existence. One demon showing up unannounced is a rarity. Two demons... well, no matter how you looked at it, this was going to be a red-letter day in my diary.
Does it seem to you I'm stalling? I am. You see, this demon I knew, and her name was Massha!
"Well hello, high roller! I was just in the neighborhood and thought I'd stop by and say 'Hi!' "
She started forward to give me a hug, and I hastily moved to put something immobile between us. A 'hi!' and a hug might not sound like a threat to you. If not, you don't know Massha!
I have nothing against hello hugs. I have another demon friend named Tananda (yes, I have a lot of demon friends these days) whose hello hugs are high points in my existence. Tananda is cute, curvaceous, and cuddly. Okay, so she's also an assassin, but her hello hugs can get a rise out of a statue.
Massha, on the other hand, is not cute and cuddly. Massha is immense... and then some. I didn't doubt the sincere goodwill behind her greeting. I was just afraid that if she hugged me, it would take days to find my way out again ... and I had a getaway to plan.
"Um ... Hi, Massha. Good to see you ... all of you."
The last time I had seen Massha, she was disguised as a gaudy circus tent, except it wasn't a disguise. It was actually the way she dressed. This time, though, she had apparently kicked out the jams ... along with her entire wardrobe and any modicum of good taste. Okay, she wasn't completely naked. She was wearing a leopardskin bikini, but she was showing enough flesh for four normal naked people. A bikini, her usual wheelbarrow full of jewelry, light green lipstick that clashed with her orange hair, and a tattoo on her bicep. That was Massha. Class all the way.
"What brings you to Klah? Aren't you still working Jahk?" I asked, mentioning the dimension where we met.
"The boys will just have to work things out without me for a while. I'm on a little... vacation."
There was a lot of that going around.
"But what are you doing here?"
"Not much for small talk, are you? I like that in a man."
My skin started to crawl a little on that last bit, but she continued.
"Well... while I'm here, I thought I'd take another little peek at your General Badaxe, but that's not the real reason for my visit. I was hoping you and me could talk a little... business."
My life flashed before my eyes. For a moment, neither Aahz's departure nor the King's assignment was my biggest problem ... pun intended.
"Me?" I managed at last.
"That's right, hot stuff. I've been giving it a lot of thought since you and your scaly green sidekick rolled through my territory, and yesterday I made up my mind. I've decided to sign on as your apprentice."
Chapter Four:
"Duty: A fee paid for transacting in good(s)."
-U.S. DEPT. OF COMMERCE
"BUT your Majesty, he promised me he'd pay the other half before spring, and ..."
"I did not."
"Did too."
"Liar!"
"Thief!"
"Citizens," I said, "I can only listen to one side at a time. Now then, you! Tell me what you remember being said."
That's right. I said. There I was, sitting on the very throne I had decided to avoid at all cost.
Actually, this king business wasn't all that rough. Rodrick had briefed me on basic procedure and provided me with a wardrobe, and from there it was fairly simple. The problems paraded before me weren't all that hard to solve, but there were lots of them.
At first I was scared, then for a while it was fun. Now it was just boring. I had lost count of how many cases I had listened to, but I had developed a new sympathy for Rodrick's desire to get away for a while. I was ready for a vacation before lunch rolled around. It was beyond my comprehension how he had lasted for years of this nonsense.
You may wonder how I went from talking with Massha to sitting on the throne. Well, I wonder myself from time to time, but here's what happened as near as I can reconstruct it.
Needless to say, her request to work as my apprentice caught me unprepared.
"M ... my ... but Massha. You already have a job as a court magician. Why would you want to apprentice yourself to me?"
In response, Massha heaved a great sigh. It was a startling phenomenon to watch. Not just because there was so much of Massha moving in so many different directions, but because when she was done, she seemed to have deflated to nearly half her original size. She was no longer an imposing figure, just a rather tired looking fat woman.
"Look, Skeeve," she said in a low voice that bore no resemblance to her normal vampish tones. "If we're going to work together, we've got to be honest with each other. Court magician or not, we both know that I don't know any magik. I'm a mechanic ... a gimmick freak. I've got enough magik baubles to hold down a job, but any bozo with a big enough bankroll could buy the same stuff at the Bazaar at Deva.
"Now, mind you, I'm not complaining. Old Massha's been kicked around by some of the best and nobody's ever heard her complain. I've been happy with what I have up to now. It's just when I saw you and your rat pack put one over on both city-states at the Big Game with some real magik, I knew there was something to learn besides how to operate gimmicks. So whatta ya say? Will you help me learn a little of the stuff I really got into the magik biz for?"
Her honesty was making me more than a little uncomfortable. I wanted to help her, but I sure didn't want an apprentice right now. I decided to stall.
"Why did you choose magik for a profession, anyway?"
That got me a sad smile.
"You're sweet, Skeeve, but we were going to be honest with each other, remember? I mean, look at me. What am I supposed to do for a living? Get married and be a housewife? Who would have me? Even a blind man could figure out in no time flat that I was more than he had bargained for ... a lot more. I resigned myself to the way I look a long time ago. I accepted it and covered up any embarrassment I felt with loud talk and flamboyant airs. It was only natural that a profession like magik that thrives on loud talk and flamboyant airs would attract me."