He was changing. He could admit that to himself. But what was causing it? The haunting of the eyeless face, had it literally frightened him into change? Had his proximity to Var and Denai, two strangers, begun to eat away at his suspicious nature? Or had the strength of his human side, so long dominated by the powerful instincts of the Cat, finally found a way to fight back against them?
Any of them could be the answer, but it left him in a bit of a quandry. He didn't like the idea of being moral. Killing people who got in his way was an expedient and efficient means of dealing with problems. The human in him didn't exactly approve of such behavior. Morality would cloud his world, and he didn't need any additional worries or confusion. It wasn't that he liked being monstrous, but in this dangerous game he was playing, getting hung up by an attack of moral consciousness could be a very bad thing. He was dealing with people who were utterly ruthless, willing to start wars and kill thousands to get what they wanted. He had to be capable of the same thing, or they would have an advantage over him. He welcomed the idea of not being so feral, but the idea that he would become a weak-hearted sop didn't rate highly with him. Mercy was for the weak, compassion was for the weak. They didn't fit in with his instinctual concept of the way things were.
More to the point, they didn't fit in with the Cat's concept of things. Triana and Jesmind both had told him, and he had told Jula, that it was the balance between human and Cat that mattered. Tarrin hadn't had that balance. His ferality had caused his Cat instincts to dominate his thinking. And as they had so long ago when he tried to abandon his human side, they had proved to be much more resilient and powerful than he realized. The human in him was proving that it was just as strong as the Cat, but in different ways.
He looked back at Var and Denai, who were both sleeping. He clearly identified both of his thoughts of them. The Human saw them as companions, even friends, and it sought to protect and nurture them. The Cat in him saw them as strangers, enemies-almost. Denai had even managed to worm her way into the Cat's good graces. It didn't particularly trust her, but it couldn't help liking her. It didn't want anything to do with them. They weren't his kind, they were weak, and they were a liability. It wanted to leave them behind.
It struck him as slightly odd. The Cat was a racist.
Not precisely a racist, he realized. It was a powerful creature, highly dignified, and with a strong sense of control. The weak submitted, the strong ruled. That was its law. Denai was no challenge to it, so it almost accepted her, as a submittant. But Var was another matter. The Cat saw Var as dangerous, a potential rival, and much as he had reacted to the Were-cat males he had met in Shoran's Fork, he reacted much the same way with Var. He realized that if the Cat clearly believed it was dominant, it would come to accept Var. It was why it had accepted Sarraya, Camara Tal, and Phandebrass. They all had submitted to him in one way or another, though in Camara Tal's case, it took quite a while.
Sometimes he overestimated that part of him. Sometimes it seemed more than primal, but time and time again he realized that the Cat in him was not smarter than it seemed. It was affected by his human intellect, but it still operated in basic, simple ways, and understanding those operations was the key to heading it off when it wanted to do something that the rest of him didn't want to do. It was and always would be an animal, no matter how long he lived or how smart he became. It would never change. Only its ability to affect his behavior would change.
And it was just that simple.
He was changing. He didn't know exactly what was causing it, and part of him resisted the idea, but like everything else that happened in his life, he merely accepted it. For him, it simply was. And that too was just that simple.
"Oh, my," Var breathed.
It was dawn, and the walls hid the sun from them to produce a steely gray light down at the bottom of the canyon. Var and Denai had just woke up, but Tarrin had stayed up all night to watch over the group, to use his keen senses to ensure no predators on the canyon floor found them. The two Selani were looking up the wall of the canyon, a longspan of sheer vertical rock standing between them and the top. The steep ridge of sorts that helped them get down wasn't there, because they were not exactly on the far side of it. Sarraya was out looking for it, and she would guide them to it when she came back.
"It looks much bigger like this," Denai agreed. "But we got down, we can get back up."
"It will take longer," Var said.
"We have all day," Denai shrugged. "Are you afraid of a little climb, Var?"
"Of course not," he replied immediately. "But you're dismissing how hard it's going to be."
"I know it won't be easy. They'll probably have to throw blankets over us wherever we collapse when we get to the top. But I'm looking forward to the challenge."
Sarraya came buzzing back, and she looked excited. "I found gold, Tarrin!" she said exuberantly. "A vein as thick as a man, and almost fifty spans long!"
"We're not here for gold, Sarraya," he grunted in reply. "Did you find the ridge?"
"Well, of course," she said with a pout. "But that's not as interesting as the gold."
"Gold is holy to the Selani," Tarrin told her. "If you want it, you'll have to discuss it with them."
"You don't have to put it that way," she said petulantly. "Come on, the ridge is about half a longspan this way."
After they reached the ridge, they again tied themselves together in preparation for the climb up. This time it would be a bit harder, because the ridge didn't start until about a hundred spans up the canyon's wall. They'd have to scale the bare rock up to the ridge, where it would help them get up the wall a little more safely. That scaling didn't look like it was going to be too hard, because the stone was ragged and full of hand and foot holds.
"I hope you two know how to climb," Tarrin told the Selani, as Sarraya settled in on top of his head, digging her legs into his hair as an anchor. He put his claws into the stone of the wall, and then immediately started up.
"We're leaving now?" Denai said quickly. "Aren't we going to get ready first?"
"If you're not ready by now, then you'll never be ready," Var told her as he started up after Tarrin.
The climb up was much more difficult than the climb down had been. It took them nearly an hour to reach the ridge, because Var and Denai kept getting stuck trying to find suitable holds for their hands and feet. Tarrin resisted the urge to just dislodge them from the wall and do all the climbing to the ridge, but he realized that they'd have an even harder time trying to transit from the rope to the wall than if they just climbed up themselves. So he was forced to stop and wait for them much more than he wanted. Once they got to the ridge, however things picked up. Just like on the other wall, this ridge was steep, narrow, and the rock above it was littered with pits and protrusions that served perfectly as holds. They ascended into the buffetting winds, which caused them to slow down again. The wind that day was particularly fierce, and it provided the day's only episode of excitement for them.
The wind was gusty and powerful, hitting at them with shocking suddenness, and once it caught Denai just as she was moving to another handhold, pulling herself up. Denai was the smallest and lightest of the three, and the wind had just enough force to pull her away from the wall. Tarrin looked down and behind him when he heard her gasp, saw her teetering with her toes on the edge of the very narrow ridge, windmilling with one arm to keep from slipping off as the other hand scrabbled on the wall to find something onto which to grab. Then the wind hit her again, and it pulled her feet off the ridge. She gave out a short cry as she fell off the ridge, tumbled down the vast gulf towards the ground, then stopped when the rope tying them together snapped taut. Var grunted and lost his breath when the rope suddenly yanked at his waist, but somehow he managed to hold on.