Hopeful Monsters

He said 'But of course you know what it means!'

I said 'What?'

He said 'It means nothing, that's what it means!'

One of the reasons why Bruno had come to Freiburg was because Franz and Minna and I had planned to go on a walking trip through the Black Forest and on to a castle on the shores of a lake where there was to be held a Student Congress. I had suggested to Bruno when he had telephoned me from Berlin 'Why don't you come too?' He had said 'What about your boyfriend?' I had said 'What about my boyfriend?' He had said 'I am very well, thank you.'

I had, of course, by this time slept with Franz; and Franz had slept with Minna, and once or twice I had slept with Minna. All this was in accordance with the customs of the place and time — at least amongst those students who had broken away from fraternities. But Franz was now sleeping with Minna. And I was finding it quite liberating, the uncertainty.

So I had asked Bruno to come and make up a four on this trip: but when I saw him I felt that this might have been a mistake. I thought — He will feel that I am committed to him: and have I not learned that humans are happiest when they are, as it were, nothing; on their own?

Bruno said 'What is it?'

I said 'Nothing.' I laughed.

Bruno said 'I expect you feel trapped.'

I thought I might say — Bruno, you are a genius.

Bruno said 'Don't worry. I can't wait to meet the beautiful Minna!'

I said 'Bruno, I love you! I don't feel trapped!'

Bruno said 'And Franz. The beautiful blue-eyed Franz!'

When Franz and Bruno did meet they acted charmingly, courteously, like people who might be accustomed to fighting duels. (I had heard, in fact, that Bruno had become a notable fighter of duels in Berlin.) Bruno flashed his eyes at Franz: Franz, when he held out his hand, glittered. Bruno said 'Ah you do give satisfaction to Jews!' Franz laughed and said 'Oh I am too modest!' I thought — Of course, why should they not be homosexual? Then — What will now happen if I am free?

We were in the town square by the cathedral. We were waiting for Minna. There were the stalls for the market; the spire of the huge building above. I thought — It is as if we are on a stage: perhaps I am waiting for someone to come on from outside.

When I introduced Minna to Bruno, he bowed over her hand and dabbed at it as if he were a bird. When he straightened he kept hold of Minna's hand and turned it over and looked at the palm.

Minna said 'What do you see?'

Bruno put a hand on his heart and said 'Don't ask me!'

Minna said 'Death?'

Bruno said 'My own!' He dropped Minna's hand as if it had burned him.

We set off the day after the lecture on our trip over the mountains. We each carried a rucksack, a blanket, our share of cooking equipment and food. Franz led the way with the maps: I came next; then Minna, with Bruno behind. I thought — I no longer have to imagine that I am in controclass="underline" Bruno has always been something of a magician.

We went past the rock where the path went off towards the cave. I thought — But let us not go round and round: let me go on to something new.

Among the Wandervogel of those days there was the feeling that one could go into the mountains and become free: could look down like gods, perhaps, on people in their cooking-pots on the plains. There was a sense, certainly, of rapture: occasionally of dread. It was as if one had the chance of coming across some lost civilisation in a hidden valley; or of creating such a civilisation oneself — in which people might feel neither superior nor inferior, but in harmony with themselves. I thought — But would they not then be different from gods — who like fighting amongst themselves; who take it out on people on the plains? Then — Do humans have to be morally superior to gods?

Franz wore leather shorts, I wore a skirt, Minna wore thin cotton shorts, Bruno wore trousers. Bruno from time to time muttered under his breath as he walked behind Minna. Minna said 'What are you saying?' Bruno said 'I am making calculations about the gyrations of the heavenly spheres.'

When we got to the high ground there were narrow winding paths going up and down between trees. Routes were marked at forks or crossroads by colours dabbed on rocks or trees. I thought — We are being guided here: there are threads through the maze.

Sometimes there was a gap in the trees through which could be seen a green and fertile valley laid out as if in a painting. Red-roofed houses clustered around a church: stacks of hay were set up in fields like some primitive form of message. I thought — This is the sort of landscape that humans have put into paintings.

We found a camping-place for the night and Franz collected sticks and Bruno made the fire and Minna and I prepared food. Bruno held out his hands to the flames and talked to them in an unintelligible language. Minna said 'What do you say to the fire?'

Bruno said 'I say "Come on up! Do as I say or I'll punish you!"'

Minna said 'And does it?'

Bruno said 'If it wants to.'

Franz sat on a log beside the fire and smoked his pipe. I thought — Here, now, we know what we are: is this called nothing!

Franz took his pipe out of his mouth and said to Bruno 'Well, what did you make of Heidegger?'

Bruno said 'Ah, a direct question!'

I said 'You are allowed to answer it.'

Bruno put his hand on his heart and said 'But perhaps that is what I made of Heidegger!'

Franz and Bruno began a discussion about whether or not Heidegger, when he talked about nothing, was talking about God: but if he was, then why did he not call it God? Franz said 'It has always been correct, of course, not to mention the name of God.'

Minna took off her clothes and sat cross-legged by the fire.

Bruno said 'Minna! I am frightened!'

Minna said 'What are you frightened of?'

Bruno said 'Wolves.'

Minna said 'But there are no wolves.'

Bruno said 'I am the wolf!' Then — 'Will you sleep with me tonight?'

I said to Franz 'Do you think it would be possible to live like this? I mean not talking, but at the same time talking, about what we know.'

Franz said 'What do we know?'

I said 'Oh, nothing.'

Franz said 'In art. In poetry.'

I said 'We could live as if we were this — '

Bruno said 'Help! Minna!'

So that night Minna slept with Bruno and I lay with Franz: Franz remained stretched on his back with his hands folded across his

chest; he was like the effigy of a dead crusader. Sometime in the night I awoke and there was a new moon with its single star beside it; Minna and Bruno were making love; they were like something with too short arms and legs trying to crawl across the floor of the forest.

Franz did not seem to be sleeping. I wondered if he still sometimes thought of killing himself. I thought — Things do go round and round: it is by your knowing this that you sometimes get out of the forest.

In the morning we went on in our small procession with Franz in front and myself following and Bruno and Minna behind. Bruno prodded and tickled Minna: Minna pretended not to like it and liked it. I wondered — Perhaps after all it is sad that I am not jealous?

There were clouds in the sky and sometimes gaps in the clouds where the sun shone through. I thought — Perhaps there are gods reclining on those clouds and they catch a glimpse of us every now and then and wonder if we are the sort of things that they would like to put into a painting.

Occasionally we came across other groups of Wandervogel\ we greeted each other with cries and waves; we could hear them singing their songs before and after we could see them jn the forest.

Once or twice at night round the fire we did have discussions in which words did seem to struggle to express directly what they might be meaning.