Hopeful Monsters

I said 4 Yes.'

He said 'I've got a room.' Then 'Of course, I staged this whole scene. I knew I would have to do more than just book a room to get you.'

When we were in Franz's room, somewhere at the top of the hotel, Franz hugged me and buried his face in my hair. He said 'Carriers of what, of what! Let me carry you, let me carry me — '

I said 'Do you know the story of Judith and Holofernes?'

Franz said 'Oh for God's sake, do I know the story of Judith and Holofernes!' Then — 'Please, if you want to, chop my head off.'

After we had made love, I had thought — There was a time, once, when I thought that Franz was like a dead crusader -

Franz said 'Do you ever see Bruno?'

I said 'Yes, I see Bruno.'

Franz said 'Tell him to get out.' Franz's face was still buried in my hair. Then he said 'You and Bruno and your mother should get out.'

I thought — How extraordinary to throw in my mother!

Then — But oh Franz, you would not get out!

This was Christmas 1932: a month before Hitler became Chancellor. There were the processions sweating through the streets at night; columns of Brownshirts like a demonstration of intestines with shit. The news in the papers was of the comings and goings at the Chancellery and the President's Palace: photographs were of ugly men like insects on the steps of public buildings. I thought — These are rituals so that life may go on: they are nothing to do with what sort of life might be worth going on with.

In the Rosa Luxemburg Block we waited and watched behind our barricaded doors and windows. I thought — But perhaps I am like a tick waiting to drop onto the hide ofwhatever strange animal

comes lumbering by; to burrow into its bloodstream; to feed off its guts through a long winter.

Or — Life might be worthwhile so long as we can have these images?

I said to Bruno 'I saw Franz the other day.'

Bruno said 'Good old Franz, how is he?'

'He calls himself, but I don't think he really is, a Nazi.'

'I know.'

'He said you and I, we should get out.'

Bruno said 'Good old Franz, is he getting out?'

We had a lecture in the Block one day from a girl who had just come back from Russia. She told us of the miraculous things that were being done under the five-year plan: how dams and power stations were being built; how after only three and a half years of the plan, the Soviet Union now could hold its own against any industrial nation in the world. I thought — But how would one know whether or not such stories are true: or has it really to be accepted that truth is no more than the effect that is made on listeners?

I was sitting next to Bruno. Bruno gazed back at the lecturer with his huge troubled eyes. I wished I had remembered to tell Franz what Bruno had said — 'In a society lined up at the edge of a cliff, who are the traitors?'

But then — Who are the agents of evolution?

After a time the lecturer glared at her audience and said 'You may have seen stories in the Fascist press about conditions on the agricultural front. These stories are lies; but it is necessary to face squarely in the spirit of revolutionary self-criticism the fact that attempts have been made by opportunist elements, yes, to sabotage heroic efforts on the agricultural front. Crops have been burned and cattle have been killed by criminally sectarian peasants or Kulaks rather than that their produce should be provided for the town. So be warned, comrades! The price of freedom is eternal vigilance!'

Bruno clapped loudly and said 'Bravo!'

I thought — For God's sake, Bruno -

Then — There was that lecture years ago at which my father and I saw Einstein clapping and mocking -

At the end of the lecture there was an opportunity for discussion. Bruno stood up and frowned accusingly at the lecturer.

I thought — But Bruno, do you want us to survive?

Bruno said 'Should we not pay more concrete tribute to the

foresight of Comrade Stalin in ensuring that there has been this failure in the five-year plan — '

I whispered 'Sit down, Bruno — '

Bruno said ' — for otherwise how could saboteurs and criminals be weeded out!'

Bruno sat down. After a time the lecturer said 'But there has been no failure in the five-year plan.'

Bruno said 'Are you saying that it is not Fascist revisionism to deny that for criminals to be weeded out there shall be revolutionary self-criticism?' He glared round the room with his eyebrows raised. No one looked at him.

I thought — Bruno, I suppose this might be one way of getting out!

Bruno leaned back with his hands in his pockets and closed his eyes.

I thought — What about my arranging a meeting at the Adlon Hotel between Bruno and Franz and me — and you, my English boy?

One day Bruno and I went by bus and on foot to the cold and windy lake where, eight or nine years before, Bruno and Trixie and I had come to row and walk between trees and lie on pine-needles and play at making love. Here we had discovered some world of love; we had been like seeds, had germinated within ourselves something that seemed to have a life of its own. Bruno and I went to re-visit Kleist's grave: houses had been built in the area so that the tomb was now in a space between gardens; there were empty bottles and bits of cardboard within the fence around the grave. On the stone there was the message — 'He lived and sang and suffered in hard and sorrowful times: he sought death on this spot and found immortality.'

Bruno and I stood looking at the grave holding hands. I thought — We humans, yes, are like old bottles and cardboard containers; what do we contain; what is our immortality?

I said 'Kleist did not have to kill himself.'

Bruno said 'Perhaps he did not see the bits of himself that would go floating like messages in bottles on the sea.'

I said 'But they are so beautiful!'

Bruno said 'Don't cry.'

Bruno put his arms around me. He was a fragile, rather top-heavy figure with a huge head. I thought — Perhaps we are both like those creatures that are born before their time.

Bruno said 'Do you know the story of Josephus?'

I thought — Of course I know the story of Josephus! Then — I have forgotten it. Then — Stories, of course, are what are immortal.

Bruno and I walked around the lake. We had our arms round each other. He said -

'Josephus was a general in the Jewish army in AD 67. The Jews were fighting the Romans; Josephus found himself and his army besieged in a town called Jotapata. The situation was hopeless: Josephus wanted to surrender; he was told by the Romans that his life would be spared. But the other Jewish elders, with whom he was sheltering in a cellar, refused to consider this: they insisted that he, and they, should die, together with the rest of the townspeople, although Josephus told them that if they surrendered he could probably get some sort of terms for all of them. So it was arranged that those in the cellar should kill one another, drawing lots to see who should kill who, and then the last man should kill himself. But it seems that Josephus managed to fix the lots so that he and another man were the last two left alive, and then he and this man agreed to surrender to the Romans.'

I said 'And what happened then?'

Bruno said 'The townspeople were killed; Josephus went to live in Rome, and wrote the history of the Jewish war, including this story.'

I said 'And how did he manage to fix the lots?'

Bruno said 'Josephus has always been regarded as a grotesque traitor by the Jews: he is what Judas Iscariot is to the Christians.'

I said 'How did he manage to fix the lots?'

Bruno said 'No one knows. Perhaps he was one of the seven just men.'

I said 'I suppose he what might be called cheated.'

Then he said 'Nellie, I love you, but I can't make love to you any more!'

I said 'Oh I think that is all right.'