Hopeful Monsters

I said 'What sort of letter?'

Stefan said 'Rudi will bring it with him when he comes tomorrow.'

I thought — You mean, he will give me the letter if I give him the diamonds? This is the point of this business?

I said 'You're sure he'll bring it?'

Stefan said 'Yes.' Then — 'The reason why I was travelling on the bus in Morocco, you know, was because I didn't agree with what Rudi was doing.'

I said 'I'm awfully sorry, I'm feeling ill, I must go and lie down.'

Stefan said 'But you'll be here lunchtime tomorrow?'

I am writing this in my room in the Gasthaus where I can look out across the lake towards Germany. A letter addressed to the polytechnic might well be from my father: so was this why I had made efforts to see Stefan or Rudi? You see how this is difficult. The way in which I am feeling ill is that waves seem to be breaking into my head; a white light coming down; you know the feeling.

Rudi must want to see me because I have the diamonds? And how else would I have ever heard of this letter! Would I have wanted to see Rudi if I had not had the diamonds? The speculations

are fruitless. What a style to have to learn, to be in a pattern with what is happening.

Testing. Testing.

Oh how interesting that I am feeling ill!

The gasworks may blow up, twenty minutes.

I have been to the landlady downstairs and asked her if I could use her telephone. I wanted to talk to you, but there was no chance of a line to England. I suppose everyone is talking about something boring like war. So I booked personal calls once more to Franz and to Walburga in Germany. One goes on, does one, casting lines, lifelines, over the water.

Don't you think we might settle down, one day, you and I, on the edge of some beautiful painted desert?

You remember when you said — There is no mathematical reason why messages should not come to us from the future -

— It is just difficult to imagine how we might be able to recognise these.

Practising.

The landlady came to tell me that one of my calls had got through: I hoped it was to Franz: it was to Walburga.

Walburga said 'How marvellous to hear your voice! I cannot wait to see you! Where are you?'

'I am just the other side of the Bodensee.'

'Then I am coming!'

'Tell me, have you any news of Franz?'

'Why do you ask that?'

'It is important that I get in touch with him.'

'Always Franz! But I will find out.'

'But do come tomorrow! I am longing to see you.'

'Where shall we meet?'

'At the Cafe Miramar, Romanshorn; it is on the lake. I will be there at lunchtime.'

'I will be there!'

I am now back in my room: I do not know what is happening: there are these waves coming in.

Do you think Walburga will have found where Franz is? Do you think I should try to see Franz? Do you think Rudi will bring the letter? Do you think it will be from my father?

Should I have asked Walburga to find out about my father?

I still am not used to this: testing!

Do tell me what you are doing.

I imagine you, yes, walking in a wood. You come to a cottage in which a beautiful girl is imprisoned. I cry out to warn you — This is a witch! My cry goes round the world like that of the kitten to its mother. You say to me — But it is children, not witches, who are imprisoned!

This is what the witches here call 'active imagination'.

Bodensee August 31st 1939 My Angel,

I went to the cafe today. There we were acting like people in masks. It does seem, does it not, that war will be declared.

Rudi was like someone whose mask has grown out from the inside: a skeleton become a shelclass="underline" a lobster: a glove-puppet.

I said 'Oh Rudi! How good to see you! I am so glad you are all right! I had such guilt about leaving you!'

This is my mask — of Legba, the trickster?

Rudi said 'I imagined those people gave you no option but to leave me!'

'Oh yes, that's right!'

'I'm glad you say so.'

Stefan had come to the cafe with Rudi. I thought — Of course, they are living together: like the two Ugly Sisters.

I said 'Stefan says you've got a letter for me.'

'I've got something to ask you first.'

'Oh I know!'

'I understand why you ran away: why you never got in touch with us.'

'Have you got my letter?'

'Stefan says you may know what happened to some property of mine — '

'Have you got my letter?'

Rudi took a letter out of his pocket and held it up in front of him. I could see that the name on the envelope was, yes, in the handwriting of my father. There was a different writing for the address. I was not sure I recognised this.

Rudi said 'Did you take -

I said 'You always said there weren't any diamonds.'

He said 'Do you want your letter?'

I leaned forwards to take the letter. Rudi held it away. I said 'Yes,

502

I've got the diamonds. The soldiers would have got them if I hadn't taken them first.'

He said 'You've got them here?'

I said 4 No, but I can get them. You can have your share.'

I saw Walburga coming towards us along the promenade by the lake. When she saw me she began to run. She was like a Valkyrie; like an actress playing both a Valkyrie and her horse.

Walburga shouted 'My darling! My precious! What a feast for the eyes!' She hugged and kissed me.

Stefan took the letter out of Rudi's hand and held it out to me. The handwriting of my name, yes, was that of my father: the writing of the address seemed to be Franz's. I thought — But that indeed is not possible! Then — Stop thinking. Walburga leaned back with her hands on my shoulders. She said 'Let me see you!' Rudi was watching us from across the table.

I was holding the letter from my father. I said 'This is Walburga. This is Rudi. Stefan.'

Rudi said to Walburga 'Can you please go away. We are discussing important business.'

Walburga said 'Elena has told me about you two! You are the idiots who tried to kill my precious in the Sahara!'

I found that in the presence of the others I was not wanting to open the letter. I felt that wild devils or angels might fly out.

I said to Walburga 'Did you find out about Franz?'

She said'Yes.'

I said 'Where is he?'

She said 'Aren't you pleased to see me?'

Rudi said 'What do you mean, we can have our share?'

I said to Walburga 'Yes, it's lovely to see you.' I said to Rudi 'I mean, you two can have your share of the diamonds.'

Walburga said 'Franz is not far from here.'

Rudi said 'When?'

Walburga said 'He's in that house, you know, his family have got in the Black Forest,'

I thought — Yes, I went there once.

Stefan said 'Where are they?'

I said to Stefan 'They're with my things at Kusnacht.' I said to Walburga 'Have you got a car?'

Walburga said 'I left it on the other side of the lake.'

I said 'Could you get it?'

Walburga said 'If you like.'

I said That's very good of you.' I thought — Now, I will open the letter. Rudi said 'Will you pay attention!' I said This letter is from my father.'

My beloved Leni,

I saw your mother briefly before she died.

When I was arrested I asked if I could be detained in Sachsen-hausen Camp because this was where, I believed, she was. My request was laughed at. Then I was told that it might be granted if I was classified as a Jew. I said that this was agreeable to me.

In Sachsenhausen men and women were housed separately but I managed to catch several glimpses of your mother. I am almost certain she saw me and knew who I was. There were good reasons perhaps for her not to show too much that she recognised me. When she no longer appeared, I made enquiries, and I was told that she had been taken to the prison hospital. Later I was told that she had died. I think this information was reliable.