"You what?" Remo burst out.
"I would not be surprised if by now every person in America is wearing a Bear-Man hat or T-shirt."
"Just as long as my name isn't connected to any of this."
Chiun looked up. "Do I take it to mean you waive all rights to Bear-Man royalties?"
"Now and forever," Remo said solemnly. Chiun beamed.
"And no personal appearances either," Remo added.
Chiun's face fell. "We will discuss this another time," he sniffed.
Victoria Embankment came to a stop at Blackfriars Bridge, so they crossed the busy street, wending their way to the Tower of London. Remo recognized it from afar, thanks to the nearby castlelike blue Tower Bridge, which reminded him of a Coney Island ride.
They came to the Tower of London, which is not a single tower but a grouping of crumbling battlements enclosed by the ancient walls of a keep originally built on the Thames by William the Conqueror. Chiun led Remo around its age-discolored stone walls to the long line that whipsawed from the streets down to a walkway beside a dry moat containing a tennis court.
Chiun stopped at the end of the line.
"You've gotta be kidding," Remo said. "You're actually going to wait in line with the peasants?"
"Shh," Chiun admonished. "We do not want to attract undue attention."
"A little late now. Half the constabulary must be memorizing our descriptions right now."
"All the more reason to blend in with the other tourists."
"Suit yourself," Remo said, leaning against the fence. The line moved slowly. It took twenty minutes to reach the walkway below. By the time they got to the ticket offices, in a stone courtyard patrolled by outlandishly garbed Yeoman Warders-popularly known as Beefeaters-Remo was thoroughly bored and had said so several times, without drawing a response from the Master of Sinanju.
They walked through the Tower green. The Tower ravens were, if anything, bigger and more menacing than Remo had remembered. They seemed as large as vultures.
Chiun led Remo on a quick tour of the various towers, taking delight in pointing out the Bloody Tower and the cruelties it concealed. At one point he stopped beside a Roman wall that had been worn down to the ground like old teeth, and proclaimed, "This is the true Londinium!"
By the Waterloo Barracks, Chiun pulled him into the Torture Chamber exhibit, which displayed medieval devices like thumbscrews, the rack, and the iron maiden.
"Grisly stuff," Remo said, examining a recreation of the gibbet an iron birdcage in which the bodies of executed criminals were suspended at crossroads as a warning to potential lawbreakers. "I had no idea the English were once so barbaric."
"It was only after they became powerful enough to vent their baser passions against other peoples that they ceased to inflict cruelties on their own," Chiun told him.
"Tell that to the Irish," Remo grunted.
As they left the hole-in-the wall exhibit room, Remo remarked, "You know, I was always taught that the English were the fountainhead of civilization and democracy."
"Whoever taught you obviously never heard of the Greeks or the Romans," Chiun retorted. "Or the Persians, for that matter. "
"Where are we going now?" Remo wanted to know.
Chiun drifted up to the end of a line of tourists next to a low building.
"Here," Chiun said.
"Not another line."
"This is the last line we will stand in, I promise you."
The line folded in on itself several times between low uprights. Overhead signs warned in several languages that taking pictures of the Crown jewels was expressly prohibited.
"Why are we bothering with the Crown Jewels?" Remo wanted to know as the line moved along with sluggish irregularity.
"Because the English value them," Chiun said flatly.
Remo folded his arms. It seemed to take forever, but eventually they came to the entrance.
"Step lively," a Yeoman Warder called out in a boisterous voice. "Step right in. Keep it moving, now."
"Great," Remo said, noticing several rolls of confiscated film suspended in tiny plastic net bags. "Now they want us to rush."
"What happened to your admiration of the fine British people?" Chiun inquired pointedly.
"I left it back with the thumbscrews," Remo snapped. "And it's been a long day, so don't rag me, okay?"
They followed the line as it moved between museumstyle display cases. Remo absorbed the displays of royal gilt salt cellars and historical costumes without interest.
Finally they descended a flight of steps into a cool basement area and into a literal vault. The open door was a massive thing of stainless steel. It looked exactly like a bank-vault door.
The Crown jewels were arranged in a huge circular display. A curved, railed walkway ran around its circumference, and below it an area where one could step up to the glass case fronts as long as one did not hold up the line.
"Keep moving," the guards said. These were ordinary blue-uniformed bobbies. "Don't dawdle, now."
"I don't feel like I'm getting my money's worth," Remo grumbled as they were jostled along by other tourists.
"Do not worry," Chiun whispered ominously. "You will."
"I don't like the way you said that," Remo whispered back.
Chiun stopped before the case that held the jewel-encrusted Royal Sceptre. A plate informed Remo that the large faceted jewel held in a heart-shaped mounting was the world's largest diamond, known as the Star of Africa.
"Distract the guard," Chiun said quietly.
"What?" Remo said.
"Do as I bid," Chiun hissed. "And do not ask questions."
Remo glanced around, fixing the three guards, each equally spaced around the circular walkway, in his mind. He wandered back so he was near two of them, with the third in his field of vision.
He decided the best way to capture their interest was to strip off his T-shirt.
He was right. No sooner had he exposed his bare chest than outraged expressions appeared on the bobbies' faces.
"Here, now," one called to him. "You can't disrobe in the presence of the Crown Jewels." He bore down on Remo like a blue tornado.
"Relax," Remo said unconcernedly. "I'm hot. And it's stuffy down here."
"It is delightfully cool, and I am afraid I shall have to escort you from these premises."
Remo smiled broadly. "It's going to take two of you," he taunted.
"Right," the bobby said, signaling to his nearer colleague.
Actually, it took three constables. The first two took Remo by the biceps. Remo let them do that much. But that was all. They pushed. Remo did not budge. They stepped around and tried pulling. Remo folded his arms, and no matter what limbs the bobbies took hold of, Remo stayed in place, as if he had taken root.
The third bobby strode up at that point, his hands on his hips like a flustered schoolmaster.
"Here, now," he said. "Take hold of him properly, chaps. "
"The bounder won't budge, sir."
After some low-voiced conversation, they decided to lift Remo bodily. One took him around the waist and the others grabbed his forearms.
"Right we go now, lads," the head bobby said. The sound of three men grunting in exertion came at once. Remo stayed in place.
"His feet appear to be stuck," one ventured, wiping his brow of sweat.
"Perhaps he has glued himself to the floor," one offered.
"No, I haven't," Remo said politely, lifting first one foot, then the other as proof.
The bobbies grabbed at his ankles and tried to repeat the maneuver. But Remo's feet stayed where they were.
By now a crowd had gathered, more interested in the hapless bobbies and the half-naked Yank than in the Crown jewels.
Remo looked around. There was no sign of Chiun. He took that as a sign that it was time to wrap this up.
"Tell you what," Remo suggested. "How about I just put on my shirt and walk out under my own steam?"