“I…umm…” I looked at the big ticking clock. Five minutes. I didn’t have time to tell them. I didn’t have time to let it all out if there was no time to clean myself up again afterwards. Where would I start anyway? We’d spent no time alone since I’d got here… She left me on my own with thirty kids then got mad when someone dared help me… She didn’t sort me into Gryffindor…
“It’s…er…complicated,” I compromised. “Too complicated to get into now. When I’m too busy worrying how my arse is going to fit into a narrow boat made of plastic.”
They both instantly saw through my cover.
“You’re all right though?”
“Umm…”
They both got nearer the screen.
“Don’t get into a bloody canoe,” Evie said. “Stay here. Tell us about it.”
“I will. Just not now.”
They turned to look at each other, silently communicating.
“We’re always here,” Evie said. “You know that, right?”
“I know. What you guys up to tonight anyway?”
“Going out,” Lottie answered. “The Admiral apparently doesn’t ID since it got a new owner. We’re going to go try our luck. Jane and Joel might be coming.”
“Yikes, those two are like furniture now.”
“Indeedy.”
“Well,” I stood up to turn off my webcam, so not wanting to turn it off. “I better get going.”
“Remember,” Lottie said, as we waved goodbye. “Be you. It’s all you can ever be anyway. But own being you. It’s a fab thing to own.”
“I love you guys.”
“We love you too.”
And, just as the screen went dark, I heard them singing the end of “American Pie”.
SITUATIONS THAT ARE DESTINED TO FAIL:
A tall girl
+
A chubby girl
+
An obese boy
+
A canoe
Fourteen
“I can’t get my stupid legs into this stupid canoe.”
I pushed around with my feet, hoping they’d find an extra alcove to fold my limbs into.
“Well I can’t get my stupid torso into this stupid canoe.” Whinnie’s voice came from behind me.
“Me neither,” wailed Calvin, behind her. “In fact, I think I might be stuck.”
I twisted round uncomfortably to take in the scene. Calvin was indeed wedged right in the back seat, his fat spilling over the red plastic, looking like melted drips of ice cream running down the side of the canoe. Whinnie wasn’t faring much better. She wiggled her body about, but it was like trying to get a square peg into a round hole.
We caught each other’s eyes and both started giggling.
“This was the worst idea.”
“Absolute worst. We didn’t have these stupid boats last year. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have come back.”
“Why is everyone else finding it so easy?” I asked.
If you ignored us, the scene was practically idyllic. We’d joined teams with Gryffindor for canoeing, and primary-coloured boats dotted the lake everywhere. The sun beat down on us, the water reflecting slivers of light onto our faces. It was pig hot, but the lake somehow generated its own breeze, lifting my curls, fanning them around my face. I heard distant calls of joy from other boats, the steady sloshing noise of oars piercing through water.
Whinnie and I laughed so hard the boat rocked dangerously.
“Don’t!” Calvin squealed. “If this capsizes, I won’t be able to get out.”
I tried not to laugh harder. It wasn’t fair on him. We weren’t even supposed to be sharing canoes with other counsellors, but when we’d asked the kids to buddy-up, unsurprisingly no one would go with Calvin. Just as his bottom lip began to wobble, Whinnie and I had both jumped in at the same time, offering to be in his boat.
Kevin had agreed, giving me an I’m-proud-of-you wink that instantly made me want to withdraw my kind offer.
I heard him call across the water from his gold canoe. Yep, his was gold, the only one. That’s the thing about Kevin. He acts all Hey-champ-I’m-such-a-great-guy-counsellor-type – but then he gives himself a gold canoe and preys on vulnerable women in rehab.
“You guys okay over there?” His voice echoed around the vast expanse of the lake.
“We’re managing,” I called back as haughtily as I could, considering I was yelling through both hands.
“You’ve not left the pier yet!”
“We’re just taking our time,” I called again. “We’re fine.” I looked at Whinnie. “You okay in there?”
She gave a small smile. “I feel like I’m wearing a corset made out of canoe, but I am in.”
“Let me just try my legs one more time.”
I changed the way I bent them and just about made it – though I would have cramp until Christmas probably.
“I think I’m in.”
“It’s a miracle!”
“You ready, Calvin?” I was now wedged in such a way that I couldn’t look behind me any more.
“I…guess…so,” his small voice answered. “Just…please…can we not rock the boat?”
“We would all drown,” I agreed. “Now, who knows how the hell to row?”
The answer was: none of us. It took a good twenty minutes of giggling and calls of “One, two, three, GO” to even put ten metres between us and the pier. We drifted in circles and splashed water all over ourselves as we put the oars in wrong.
“We’ve hardly left the pier!” Calvin whined. “Everyone else has rowed for miles, and we’ve hardly left the pier!”
“We’re trying our best, Calvin.”
“You guys can’t row!”
“We are aware of that, Calvin.” I pulled a face because he couldn’t see me. Children were so ungrateful in real life. In stories, if you do a good deed for a kid, they’re all beamy, covered in chimney smoke and say stuff like “Why, thank you, Mister Scrooge, God bless ya”. But, in real life, they just whinged and nothing you did was ever enough.
Calvin’s humiliation at not having a partner was forgotten. “This is stoopid.” I felt him drop the oar into its holder.
I remembered my camp pledge to be Disney at all times.
“Now, we can’t do this without you, Calvin. We need you to row.”
I ploughed my oar into the water again, pulling it backwards. It hurt my arm, the pain aching all the way up to my elbow. The boat only spun us about twenty degrees, so we looked directly back at the pier, and at the pitiful distance we’d put between us and it.
“I wanna go over there,” Calvin whined.
“I can’t see where you’re pointing. But if it’s any further away than ten metres, I think you need to lower your expectations.”
“Ahhhh MAN.” The boat starting rocking and vibrating.
“Is he crying?” I whispered back at Whinnie, desperately trying to move the boat forward at the same time.
“I think so. I can’t turn around. My stomach hurts.”
“I have cramp of the entire body.”
And the boat shook harder as we both dissolved into silent laughter.
“You’re LAUGHING.” A wail echoed out of him and around the lake.
“Shh, it’s okay, Calvin,” I said. “Whinnie and I are trying our hardest. Whinnie, ready on the count of three?”
“Ready for what?”
“Rowing.”
“Oh yeah. What do we do on the count of three?”
“I’m still trying to figure that out.”
“Umm – how about you go backwards and I go backwards. Then we’ll move…backwards?” she asked.
“That sounds like a plan. You joining us, Calvin?”
He wailed his answer. I saw two boats heading towards us – one was Kevin’s, the gold canoe slicing through the water effortlessly. The other was a standard red boat.
No, I wouldn’t let Kevin rescue me. I’d rather get blisters all over my hands that bled. Popped. And then bled again.
“One, two, three, GO!” I pulled back my oar, dipped it down into the water, spun the blade and then yanked it back, using all my strength. Whinnie’s oar did the same thing…we were getting it…we were totally getting the hang of it….hang on…the boat just circled again…