I looked up.
“Hang on,” I said. “You guys are going to LA too?”
Kyle nodded and drank. “You want to join us, Amber?”
“I can’t,” I said. “I’m going to LA with my mum…we’re going hiking.”
The whiskey felt warm inside me, which, combined with the heat of the fire, led to extra warmness.
“Hiking?” Bryony pulled a face. “With our boss?”
“Well, she’s my mum.”
“You’re going to miss out. Let me know if you wanna ditch her. We’re going to get so wasted. It will be amazing.” Bryony peered out at the fire. “Right, I better get back there. They’re attacking the weekenders.”
We all followed her gaze and – true enough – loads of Dumbledore’s Army had started to leap on our relief staff. They looked like they were covered in barnacles – kid-shaped barnacles. A high school girl with blonde hair down to her bottom looked like she was about to buckle under the weight…then she did…falling forward, with twelve kids on top of her.
I felt Kyle stand just to the side of me.
“Why does it sometimes feel like we’re babysitting a zombie apocalypse?” I asked him.
“Ouch! That was fun. Can you get off me, please…like now, please? Ouch!” The blonde girl was trying to keep her voice as Disney as possible but you could tell she was hurting and annoyed. Bryony wove through the madness and helped pull her out.
“Be careful of our new staff now, please. Calvin, I saw you jump on her!” He gave her a defiant chubby grin full of chins. Bryony turned back to our gap in the woods and mouthed the word “help”.
“We better go,” I said.
“We better.”
Russ passed out breath mints so Mum and Bumface Kevin wouldn’t smell the whiskey and we took it in turns to innocently return to the campfire.
Whinnie went first.
“Who’s going to LA then?” I asked Kyle, as we watched Whinnie’s backside wobble into the circle…she’d had a lot of whiskey already.
Kyle let out a big sigh. “Umm, well me and Bryony. Wayne, Jessie, Jude, and, er, Melody.”
Melody, of course Melody was going. They’d probably have attractive-person sex in the grubby nightclub toilets, just so they could juxtapose with something.
“You looking forward to spending time with your mum?”
I smiled and looked out for her by the fire. “Yes… Yes, I really am.”
It was Kyle’s turn. He crunched up his mint, releasing mentholy vapours on his breath that made my nose tingle. “See you in there.”
I leaned against the prickly bark of a tree and watched him weave through the crowd. The children mobbed him and Melody came up and ruffled his hair playfully. They shared a secret smile… Well it would’ve been a secret smile if I hadn’t been skulking about and watching them from the darkness like a creepy person.
I wondered what it must feel like to be him – Kyle. To be so popular. For every entrance anywhere to feel ceremonial.
It was my turn.
I made my way back into the clearing and picked through the children to sit down next to Mum. Bumface Kevin had his guitar out.
Oh no – Kum ba ya time. He bloody loved that song.
Mum smiled warmly and put her arm around me, cuddling me into her.
“Where did you go?” she asked. I didn’t answer at first, just burrowed myself further into her. Not caring if it looked childish or unprofessional.
“I had to pee,” I lied. “I’ve just about got the hang of doing it in the woods now.” Another lie. Eight times I’d tried and eight times I’d got significant amounts of urine down my leg.
Kevin strummed his guitar and the circle fell quiet. Everyone settled down on their logs, sensing the beginning of a sing-song. Another camp counsellor, Susan, whose frizzy hair rivalled mine, came and joined Kevin with her guitar. The fire crackled and everyone’s faces looked still and peaceful. There was just something about this song that made everyone calm down.
“Kum ba ya, my Lord, kum ba ya,” they sang smoothly, and we all joined in. The innocence of the children’s voices sang pure and clean. “Kum ba ya, my Lord, kum ba ya.”
I sang as quietly as I could, so as not to ruin it. Everyone always says they “can’t sing” to be modest, but in my case it was the utter truth. I sounded like a toad being trod on by a stiletto.
“Someone’s singing, my Lord, kum ba ya.”
“Someone’s singing, my Lord, kum ba ya.”
Mum pulled away from me.
“Oh, Amber,” she said. “I forgot to tell you.”
My heart instantly started hurting. She was whispering, but she was using the voice. The breezy I’m-about-to-let-you-down-but-I-have-a-good-reason voice.
“What is it?” I asked, a lump already in my throat.
“About LA. Can we reschedule, honey? The centre called this afternoon. They’re completely flooded with people and they need my help. That’s okay if I go, right? I mean, they really need me there.”
“But…” I knew she volunteered to help other addicts. And, I knew it was awful, but I wished she didn’t. All of those people would’ve hurt others as much as she’d hurt me – why did they deserve my mum? Especially over me.
Tears. They couldn’t come. Not now. Not in front of everyone.
“The weekend is always so busy there,” she continued. Oblivious to my heartbreak, or maybe just very practised at shutting it out. “You can come, of course. But it won’t be very fun.”
“It’s my only weekend off.” I choked.
“Shh, yes. But you’re off in another two weeks.”
“Exactly. Our only chance to spend time together for at least two weeks.”
Mum’s voice sharpened. “Amber, don’t make me feel bad. I made a commitment to help that shelter. I can’t exactly let them down because my teenage daughter wants to look at the Hollywood Sign.”
“Someone’s crying, my Lord, kum ba ya,” the camp sang.
“Someone’s crying, my Lord, kum ba ya.”
“Anyway,” she said. “We’re seeing loads of each other. You’re living with me. We had a lovely hot chocolate last night, didn’t we?”
“For about two minutes.” My voice verged on the cusp of an emotional eruption.
“Come on, Amber.” She put her arm around me, and I hated myself for softening into her touch. “Isn’t there a group of them all going to LA? You can tag along with them. I know you’re disappointed, but that shelter means a lot to me…I need it…I need to help.”
“Someone’s praying, my Lord, kum ba ya.”
The light melody of the children’s voices combined with the scratchy soulful plucking of Kevin’s guitar was too much. Mum joined in with the singing again, like that was the end of it. But I couldn’t. If I even opened my mouth for a second, a sob would break loose.
Everyone around me looked warm and cosy and at peace. It took all my physical strength to keep my bottom jaw from wobbling. Waves of grief and anger and guilt and hurt crashed and thrashed inside of me as I sat on that log, my mother’s arm still around me.
As my face scanned the scene, I caught Kyle’s eye.
He was watching me. He wasn’t singing either.
“Are you okay?” he mouthed.
I didn’t even have the energy to lie, or pretend it was fine, that I wasn’t on the verge of breaking in a way that was utterly irrevocably Humpty Dumpty.
I gave a slight shake of my head. He stood instantly, to make his way over.
I stood too, shaking Mum’s arm off.
“I need a wee.” Even though my voice was full of crying she didn’t stop me, or ask if I was okay.
“Again?”
“Yep.”
I ran back into the safety of the trees, not knowing if Kyle was following, not particularly caring.
I needed more whiskey.