Just another shot or two, to make it go away, to make me feel like I had some warmth left.
Russ had hidden the bottle under a pile of pine needles. I untwisted the top and, without even wincing, downed a quarter of the bottle in one go. It burned my throat, scorching down into my stomach, curdling it instantly. That’s what I wanted. It felt good that it hurt. That there was simple physical pain with a simple physical explanation – rather than this twisted unexplainable wrench of an ache in my guts that I knew came from a place that therapists like to find.
I coughed. Leaned back, and tipped another quarter to the back of my throat. It felt terrible and brilliant at the same time. A rush tingled through my body as the alcohol soaked into my blood system.
“Amber?” Kyle called, and I quickly hid the bottle again.
“Here.”
He appeared through the pine trees, the fire behind him, lighting him all up.
“What’s happened?” he asked, getting closer. Not too close. Not touching close. His long arms flagged uselessly at his sides, like he didn’t know what to do with them.
“My…” I started, then turned back to the campfire. The calm atmosphere had broken. Kevin had put his guitar away and Melody and Bryony dragged the old iPod and speakers into the centre of the circle, getting ready to start the disco. The kids jumped on the weekend staff and yanked at their clothes with excitement.
I couldn’t hold it in any more. “It’s my mum…” I bent over on myself, like a folded piece of paper and dropped onto the dusty floor. “She…she…”
Kyle dropped too so he was balancing on the balls of his feet. He awkwardly put his hand on my shoulder. “She what?”
An echoing sob broke loose, I covered my mouth to try and contain it. It echoed around the forest, bouncing about the trees – my misery echoing around and reflecting itself back to me.
I was so alone.
I was in a strange stupid country, in a strange stupid camp, with no real friends, and why? Why was I doing this? To see my mother who didn’t want to see me? To force her to love me? Force her to care when it should be something that comes naturally?
I wanted Evie, and Lottie, and my dad even. He left Mum and married that nightmare bitch, and broke Mum and it was awful, but he never left me. But she did…
Dad was asleep in bed probably, five thousand miles away and I was here. In the strange forest, with a boy I hardly knew, uncomfortably patting my shoulder and saying “hush”.
I stood up so quickly my head spun and I turned on my ankle. “She’s not taking me to LA any more.”
Eight small words. One teeny sentence. To almost everyone, it would mean nothing. A minor disappointment. A last minute, can’t-be-helped change of plans.
Not to me.
“Oh…” I could hear the hesitation in his voice, as he struggled to match this information to my sobbing. “I guess you were really looking forward to it, huh?”
I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. My tummy really hurt. The alcohol already hitting me. The strong bassline of a Katy Perry song thrummed through the trees. The dancing had begun.
“We should go back,” I said.
“You still seem upset.”
“I am.” I rooted around in the pine needles and got out the bottle again. I took three deep swigs.
“Want some?” I asked.
“I’m okay… Amber?”
I was already walking back into the circle.
“Teenage Dream” blared out the stereo and the kids whizzed in circles, yelling along to some of the lyrics.
I was drunk by then. Already very drunk.
“WHINNIE!” I yelled, swinging my arms around her when I found her in the circle.
“Whoa, ouch.” Her face got buried into my shoulder with the blunt force of my hug.
“HEY, KIDS!” I let go of Whinnie and picked up the hands of two little girls and spun them round. “LET’S SEE HOW FAST WE CAN GO.”
I spun them and spun them. They shrieked and giggled. I stumbled over my foot and fell to the dusty ground, bringing the two girls on top of me.
“Oomph.” The two little girls were laughing. “We fell, we fell.” I was about to laugh too but Russ’s firm hand gripped me and pulled me up.
“What the holy Moses are you doing, Amber?” he whispered angrily in my ear.
I rolled my eyes at him. “It was an ACCIDENT,” I hiccuped.
“You stink! Have you been drinking more whiskey?”
I shrugged, but covered my mouth with my hand. “I have insurance.”
I wasn’t sure if that was true, but I’d heard other Americans say it before.
“You need to sober up. At the very least, chew some gum.”
“I don’t need…to do…anything.”
I looked over his shoulder. Whinnie was helping the girls up, who, to be fair, were totally unharmed. The song changed, to “Gangnam Style”, and the children screamed and started galloping on the spot. Kyle appeared, gently pushing kids out the way, trying to get to me.
Oh no…not a lecture. I wanted to have FUN.
I galloped over to Bryony and Melody.
“Hey, guys,” I said, jumping madly on the spot.
“Hey,” Bryony replied.
Melody looked a little unfriendly. Though, this was like the only time I’d really spoken to her since that first night at the bonfire.
“Shall we slut drop then?” And, before they could say anything, I was in the dirt, falling over in the dust, cackling madly.
“Ooooo, I’m so sexy,” I said. “Look at me and how sexy I am. Because being sexy is SO important, isn’t it, Melody?”
Melody ducked down to pull me up. She wasn’t smiling. “What the hell is your problem?” she asked.
I fell back down again when she let go too soon.
“You know what you are…” I said, suddenly angry. I was gonna tell her. Tell her how she was failing the sisterhood…tell her how there were academic books that condemned her behaviour….tell her that ACTUALLY I could see that she had brown roots…because that is a totally feminist thing to say. People were looking. Why was everyone looking? The music was still playing but there was less dancing. I looked about… Mum was heading straight for me, her eyebrows arched together with anger. Kevin was following her. No… No… I couldn’t be told off, not now. I needed to run away. God, my head was spinning. Spinning so fast. Spin spin spin. Hang on? What was I going to say to Melody? I was gonna tell her! My stomach hurt. Mum was almost here.
“You know what you are…” I tried again. Melody wasn’t even there any more. She’d left me in the dust and was dancing with her back to me. She and Bryony had their arms around each other and were doing deliberate sexy dance moves, all stroking each other… Show-offs…such show-offs… I never showed off… Maybe that’s why Mum didn’t notice me. Why she never talked about me… Maybe that’s why… She didn’t even care…my own mum…didn’t even care.
A sob escaped, just as I felt a sharp tug under my armpit.
“Amber, let’s get out of here.” It was Whinnie’s voice. But the grip was too strong to be Whinnie’s.
“Whinnie?” I slid to my feet, like Bambi on the ice.
“Quick.” Kyle’s voice. He was the one touching me. God, he was strong. So strong. “Her mum’s almost here. Up you get, Amber, come on.”
I started crying. Children looked.
“Amber’s not feeling well,” I heard Whinnie tell someone. My mum? My mum was there now, but Whinnie was blocking her. “Kyle and I can look after her. I’ve got the weekend staff, so they can put my cabin to bed.”
“You okay, Amber, honey?” Mum didn’t look worried. Well, I couldn’t tell. I couldn’t really see much. All a blurry blur. Blur…
“Can’t go to LA…” I muttered, stumbling on nothing, being righted by Kyle.
“Yep,” he said, all loudly. “Too ill to go to LA with us, what a shame. Was it the hot dogs we had for dinner, Amber?”
He steered me away, through the circles of kids. Why were there always kids here? They were everywhere, like oxygen – but more annoying than oxygen. I didn’t want to see another child for a very long time.