The instant I began to choke, my body forced me up out of the water and back onto the patio. The hummingbird was hovering just inches from my face. I shouted and lunged away from it. My chair toppled. My elbow slammed against the flagstones. The hummingbird retreated and swooped back over the fence. Breathing hard, clutching my arm, I staggered inside and saw Meredith’s purse and shoes sitting by the front door. She came out of Christine’s room with a finger to her lips.
“You came back,” I said.
“Shh,” she whispered. “I just got her down… What happened to your arm?”
I looked down, seeing a deep gash on my elbow. “Nothing. It’s fine.”
“You need to take care of that.”
“Did you see that bird out there?”
“What?”
“On the patio. There was a—”
“Hold on, I’ll get you a bandage.” Meredith disappeared into the bathroom. I looked out the window at the plastic chair, on its side on the patio. The hummingbird hadn’t come back. The utter hopelessness I’d felt in what had looked like Dad’s old bathtub must have involved Christine, but I still hadn’t the faintest idea what was going to happen to her. Needing to see her, I sneaked into the dim nursery and approached the crib on the balls of my feet. I reached down to stroke Christine’s hair and her eyes flicked open.
“Hi, sweetheart,” I whispered. Before I could say anything else, she started to scream. I tried to pick her up and she batted me away in terror.
A second later, Meredith was at the door. “What happened?”
“I don’t know.” I said, shouting over Christine. “She woke up like this.”
“What were you doing in here?”
“Nothing!”
Christine was sitting up now, shrieking uncontrollably, as if she’d been doused with scalding water. “Baby—” I reached down and she scrambled back against the bars. But when Meredith came over, she allowed herself to be picked up and settled almost instantly.
Meredith looked at me.
“I didn’t do anything,” I said.
She turned away, swaying and humming to Christine.
“Mer…”
The volume of humming increased.
“I didn’t do anything!”
“I never said you did,” she whispered. “Now can you please—”
“You’re thinking it. I can see it in your face.”
Christine started to cry again. “Go to the other room,” Meredith said, firmly.
“I—”
“Can’t you see you’re scaring her?”
Christine was cowering and keening softly. I wanted to wrench her out of Meredith’s arms and shake her, to make her see how much I loved her, how everything I’d done from the moment she’d been born had been for her. I banged my way out of the nursery and marched downstairs to the spare room, where I kept my computer. I felt like throwing the laptop against the wall. Instead, I took a breath, sat down, and, for the first time in years, began to hunt for Jasmine—soothed by the ritual of combing through the endless lists of webcams. Nothing had changed since I’d been away. The coloured rooms hadn’t returned. Jasmine remained unfindable. I abandoned my search and googled hummingbird behaviour, still feeling the violent thrumming of wings in my head. From what I read, the birds were notoriously territorial and antisocial, only coming together for the purposes of mating. Although they were known to approach humans, I could find no instances of them actually harming anyone.
I glanced up from the screen. Meredith was in the doorway, watching me.
“Talk to me,” she said.
I fidgeted in my chair. “I’m just tired.”
“That was beyond tired.”
“Is she all right?”
“It took a while, but she’s settled.”
The article I’d been reading showed two hummingbirds engaged in aerial combat. I closed the laptop and set it aside. “I’m sorry.”
“You need to talk to Dr. Patel.”
“Why?”
“Why? Felix—”
“I can handle this,” I insisted. “It’s not that big of a deal.”
“It’s a very big deal. This anger of yours… You’re not having any bad thoughts, are you?”
“Absolutely not.”
“And the delusions?”
“None.”
“You’ve been taking your medication.”
“Of course.”
“I really think—”
“One more chance,” I said. “That’s all I’m asking. If I lose my temper again, I’ll go to Dr. Patel. I swear to God.”
Meredith ran her hands through her hair, clearly overwhelmed. “You’ll have to move out of her room,” she said. “It’s not helpful.”
“You mean you don’t trust me.”
“Don’t start that again.”
“I would never hurt Christine,” I said, growing emotional.
Meredith sighed, looking as exhausted as I felt. “This is non-negotiable, Felix. She has to start sleeping on her own.”
That night, I slept on the couch in the TV room, playing with the smartphone Meredith had brought home so we could keep in touch while she was at work. Beyond text messaging, I hadn’t thought I’d have much use for the device, but once I’d gotten used to the smaller screen, it was rarely out of my hand. I revisited all the old sites I’d haunted as a bachelor, watching women on webcams, not quite certain if what I was doing was wrong. By the fourth night, I’d mastered the app store and had downloaded an adult chat application, using the name Father Time Traveller (this time fairly sure I was doing something wrong). Within two minutes, a girl called Sad Jazz gave me a digital nudge.
wanna chat?
Her profile said she was twenty-eight years old with an athletic build, green eyes, and red hair. I quietly checked on Christine, before going back to the couch and typing, Sure. Where are you from?
The house was dark, my smartphone glowing. Her response came a split second later: hollywood.
My heart quickened at the word, the lowercase H. Really?
yup. how about you?
I considered for a moment. Hollywood.
no way.
It’s true.
small world.
I could feel her grinning on the other end, knowing as well as I did that neither one of us was in Hollywood.