How very French of him, but I didn’t say another thing. I simply went up that narrow staircase, which seemed to reach for the sky if it could, and sure enough, that’s exactly how I found her. The deep brown eyes were wide and full of anguish, her light brown hair brushed across splendid shoulders to catch the sunlight.
‘Michèle, I must talk to you.’
‘Nini’s going to die, Lily!’ The girl burst into tears and I had to comfort her-how many times was I to do just such a thing? She was only eighteen. A genius with the violin. ‘Jules … Jules wants me to dine with him after the concert,’ she blurted. ‘I can’t, Lily. I’ll throw up all over the place.’
So he’d already made approaches! ‘He has the organ of a cockroach, Michèle.’ I was very firm with her, very strict. I stood in front of her bowed head and told her about Nini and my husband, told her all about the whores he must have had and their diseases, how the itch of the vagina scratches the inside of the scalp, though, of course, I had positively no experience of such.
She sobbed, tried to blow her nose. Somehow I got her calmed down. The offer of a thousand francs was gratefully accepted, but we both had to wait for another rush of tears to pass. I told her I wanted her to keep an eye on Janine. She was to let me know the moment there were suicidal signs. ‘If she survives.’
‘Nini wouldn’t do that, Lily.’
‘I think she might. Now tell me, please, did she ever confide in you about my husband? Not their sex life. With that I can use my imagination. His relationship to the Vuittons. Nini’s to the left, Michèle. Not a Communist yet, but someday who knows?’
She smiled wanly. ‘You’re the older sister with whom she has always tried to compete but looked up to.’
We shared an apple, she eating it slowly as she said, ‘Jules is very far to the right, Lily, but still careful of what he says to others, so I don’t know what he’s really after. More and more, though, he’s become involved with important people in the government. Tonight, we were to dine with the minister of finance.’
‘Let him give coins to some whore. You’ll do the concert then spend the night at the bedside of my sister. Tomorrow, you’ll take the train to Avon, and I’ll meet you there.’
I gave her another five hundred francs and this, too, she took without a word. ‘Jules is involved in something dangerous, Michèle. No matter how broke you become, you are always to come to me for help, not him, is that understood?’
She nodded and I placed my hands on her shoulders and tried to ease the tension. Her hair was so soft, her skin like the surface of a pearl. She was really still a child, and I wondered what would happen to her if the Germans should come.
‘He has a diamond bracelet, he plans to give me tonight, Lily. It’s very old-Russian, he said-but from Poland. Madame Vuitton insisted that he give it to me with her compliments.’
‘The concert’s cancelled for you. Get your coat and hat. Pack a few things. We’ll go to the hospital and just have time to catch the five thirty. I must call Simone and ask her to take the children to the station. Yes, that would be best.’
Those eyes looked up at me. She took me by the hands and shook her head. ‘I have two solos. If I don’t show up, I’ll never get another chance.’
Could I trust her not to weaken? I was to ask myself that question time and again, but I nodded. ‘All right then, it’s fate, but don’t go to dinner. If you do, the Vuittons will be there to watch what happens when you receive the bracelet.’
Michèle walked with me to the door. We embraced as dear friends should. ‘Have you seen Marcel?’ she asked. ‘The casting of your sculpture of Nini is superb, Lily. So beautiful. It was bought right away from the Gallery Pascal on the rue la Boétie. By an American, I think. A man with a great big car.’
‘And the money?’ I hazarded.
‘Eighty thousand francs. But … but I have thought that this …?’ She clenched the bills I’d given her. ‘Didn’t Marcel tell you it had been sold?’
Seventy percent of eighty thousand francs was fifty-six thousand, not a sou of which had I seen! ‘Marcel, forgot to tell me.’
‘Then that is shameful of him.’
Once again, I listened to the wheels of a train. The children were nestled against me. I hadn’t had time to visit with Simone. If Nini pulled through the next few days, she’d live but be sterile. André had asked to give me a checkup, but I’d told him I’m okay. To miss one period is not much. The trauma of the rape, that sort of thing should make a woman stop for a while.
But how things rush in to haunt me. Tommy would have lost the car, that bit of sculpture and all the other things he’d had with him in Paris. So who, then, had my sculpture? And what about Dmitry Alexandrov, that other Russian, that student of electrical engineering and friend of Nini’s?
Just give me a little time. We are almost to the war and its subsequent Occupation, and of all of us, Dmitry was the most prepared.
5
The walls are close, the house silent. As I run a hand along the plaster, I step over rubbish, picking my way through, must make no sound.
My son’s room is a shambles-no furniture. That’s all been broken up for firewood or carted off. Books, papers, smashed toys, and his clothing are scattered, bringing instant grief that must be suppressed. On one wall, there’s the tattered picture of a fighter aeroplane that was cut with great diligence from a magazine and glued, against all the rules of his father first and then of the Germans, for the fighter is French.
The model we worked so diligently on has been crushed. Animals of some sort have been in, for their droppings are dried, grey, ash-white, crinkled, and with little hairs sticking out of the pellets. Was it an owl? I wonder.
I know I absolutely have to have the Luger that’s in the cellar yet still can’t force myself to go down there, for the horror of what I did is too much. Instead, I rub the glass of the only windowpane that’s left, using a sleeve of this coat they’ve given me. Like the shoes and all the rest, I don’t know where they got it. Some poor corpse, I suppose. Some poor soul who didn’t make it.
I hold the candle away. The orchard is out there. My potting shed … I remember that it was raining heavily the day Dmitry came to see me. I think it was towards the middle of March. The exact dates are blurred, you understand, but the war in Finland had ended, so it must have been just after 12 March 1940.
Tensions had begun to climb. The army had sent two men from the barracks at Fontainebleau to stand guard at the gates. There was a notice on it, also on the entrance to the house and doors to the coach house-REPOSITORY OF THE LOUVRE. TRESPASS FORBIDDEN. TRANSGRESSORS WILL BE PROSECUTED. BY ORDER OF THE MINISTRY OF CULTURE.
The guard was changed regularly and kept up twenty-four hours a day. Me, I had nothing to do with them except perhaps to exchange an occasional greeting or offer coffee, that sort of thing. Nice boys. Shy and not knowing when or if the war would come. Lebel rifles, the old 1914–1918 Model 1886 with the small, round magazine for the 8 mm cartridges, and useless if all you had were captured German 9 mms, or the.303 leftover British stuff from Dunkerque, but I only came to know of this later on, you understand.
Dmitry had obviously watched the house for some time from the cover of the woods and had taken a wide circuit to avoid the guards and come in through the orchard.
I remember that he was in uniform, that he was drenched to the skin, and that he carried a small brown suitcase. I knew he must have gone AWOL, but I went downstairs to the kitchen and let him in, the children crowding round. Were they frightened by his appearance? Subdued … yes, that’s the word I want.
‘So what brings you here?’ I asked.
The flaxen hair was plastered to the stocky peasant’s brow. The faded, grey-blue eyes tried to smile, but he knew it was useless to lie. ‘A little “unofficial” leave, madame. The shit that stayed frozen all winter in the latrines of the Maginot bunkers has now begun to thaw. We were forced to stand ankle-deep in it and to lie in our bunks just above it, so the whole of my gun crew simply voted on a holiday. Now maybe the higher-ups will start shovelling.’