“Someone who doesn’t mind touching you ought to apply a hairbrush to your tail,” I said.
She gave a squeal of fury, flung herself at me and wrenched the wheel to the right. The car, travelling at forty miles an hour, slewed across the road. I stamped on the foot brake, lugged back the parking brake. The car stopped dead, and she was thrown forward. Her head slammed against the dash-board. She passed out.
The cop had skidded to a standstill. He got off his motorcycle, walked over to me.
“For the love of Mike,” he said crossly. “Can’t you drive, either?”
I told him what had happened, and be looked at the unconscious girl.
“Crazy as a bug,” he said. “I’ve heard tales about her. These movie stars give me a pain. This dame is always in a jam, but she buys her way out. This little outing’s going to cost her something. Well, come on, I ain’t got all day.”
We continued on our way to the station.
2
It was our first visit to San Francisco, and neither of us knew where to find the kind of place we were looking for. We took a traffic cop into our confidence and told him we wanted a good meal and some fun. Where did he suggest ?
He put his foot on the running board, pushed his hat to the back of his head, and regarded us with a kindly eye. At least, he regarded Clair with a kindly eye I don’t think he even noticed me.
“Well, miss, if you want a night out you couldn’t do better than Joe’s. It’s the nicest joint in town, and that’s saying a lot.”
“Listen, brother,” I said, leaning over Clair so he could see my tuxedo. “We want class with our fun tonight. Nothing’s too good for us. I’m burning to spend dough, and low dives are off the agenda.”
He gave me a fishy look. “I still say Joe’s,” he said. “It has plenty of class, and you have a good time as well. If you don’t want Joe’s, you can go drive into the harbour Why should I worry my head?”
It seemed as if it had to be Joe’s. We thanked him, asked him the way.
He told us. In fact, he did everything except draw a map.
“Tell Joe I sent you,” he said, winking. “Patrolman O’Brien. Tell him, and you’ll get special treatment.”
After we had driven a block, I said: “Now, we’ll ask someone else. I bet that flatfoot is just a talent scout for Joe’s.”
Clair said she would like to go to Joe’s.
“If it’s no good, we can always go somewhere else,” she argued.
We found Joe’s down a side street. There was nothing gaudy nor deluxe about the place; no doorman to help you out of your car, no one to tell you where to park, no awning, no carpet. It was just a door in the wall with a neon sign: JOE’S.
“Well, here we are, sweetheart,” I said “Do I leave the car here or do we take it inside?”
“You knock on the door and ask,” Clair said severely. “The way you behave you’d imagine you’d never been to a joint before.”
“Not in a tuxedo I haven’t,” I said, getting out of the car. “It makes me kind of shy.” I rapped on the door, waited.
The door was opened by a thickset man with a tin ear, and a broken nose. He had squashed himself into a boiled shirt, and he looked no more comfortable in it than if he’d been wearing a hair shirt.
“Good evening,” I said. “We have come to eat. Patrolman O’Brien recommended this place. How about it?”
“That jerk always recommends us,” the thickset man said, spat past me into the street. “As if we want his lousy recommendations. Well, now you’re here, you’d better come in.”
“What do I do with the car?” I asked, a little startled.
He stared at the Buick, shrugged.
“I wouldn’t know,” he said. “Maybe you can trade it in for a fur coat, if you want a fur coat.”
I tapped him on his chest. “Listen, my fine friend,” I said, “I’ve taken bigger guys than you and made tomato juice out of them.”
He looked interested, surprised.
“Who, for instance?”
Clair joined us.
“How are you going?” she asked me.
“Fine,” I said. “I was just about to smack this punk’s ears down. His manners come out of a zoo.”
The thickset man regarded Clair with goggling eyes. He simpered at her.
“Would you please let us in ?” she said, smiling at him. “I’ve heard so much about Joe’s.”
“Sure,” he said, standing aside, “come right in.” He caught my eyes, said: “Put the heep down that alley. If a cop spots it here he’ll have you for obstruction.”
“Wait,” I said to Clair, drove the Buick down the alley, walked back.
Together we mounted stairs.
The thickset man stared after us.
Clair whispered that he was looking at her ankles, and wasn’t he a lamb!
I said if I thought he could see more than her ankles I’d turn him into mutton.
A check girl in peach-bloom Chinese pyjamas came over to take my hat. She gave me a faint leer when Clair wasn’t looking. I leered back.
The lobby had the lush look of a drop curtain for a high-class musical comedy. It was all tinsel and glitter. Even the mirrors that hung on the walls were tinted pink to make you feel better than you looked. To the right of the lobby was the entrance to the dining-room. The captain of waiters stood in the doorway, menu in hand, and officiated like a well-fed Greek god.
On the other side of the lobby was the bar, luxurious under indirect lighting. The rattle of ice cubes in a shaker made sweet music.
“This is really something,” I said, speaking out of the corner of my mouth. “I don’t think there’ll be much of our nine hundred bucks profit left by the time this joint’s through with us.”
“You can always order a glass of milk and tell them you belong to an obscure religious order,” Clair murmured, and drifted away to the ladies’ room.
I stood around, tried to look as if I spent my whole life in this kind of atmosphere, didn’t succeed very well.
A girl who I assumed was out of the cabaret strutted across the lobby. Except for a G-string and two gold saucepan lids where they were most needed she was as bare as the back of my hand. When I gaped at her she sneered in disdain.
As she passed me, I said quietly, “Don’t go sitting on a cane-bottomed chair.”
Her long slinky stride faltered, but she kept on. I tried not to peep at her naked back, but I peeped just the same. I decided I was going to like this place.
Clair came out of the ladies’ room. Her dress looked like sea-water sifted over with gold dust.
“Hello,” she said.
“Hello,” I said, leering at her. “My wife’s left me. Shall we go off together and have fun?”
“Wouldn’t she mind?” Clair asked gravely.
“She’d be wild,” I returned, “but I’m infatuated with your dress. Let’s go and neck in my car.”
“You mean now—this very minute?”
“Why not?” I said.
She slipped her arm through mine. “Don’t let’s pretend I’m not your wife,” she said. “I like being your wife.”
“I’m glad and proud about that, Mrs. Cain,” I said, and meant it. “Shall we talk to that important-looking gentleman with the menus and see what he would like us to eat?”
She nodded.
We presented ourselves to the captain of waiters. He bowed to Clair, bowed to me.
“This is our first visit,” I explained. “We want a good time. Can we leave it to you?”
“Certainly, monsieur,” he returned, his voice was as dry as sand. “Perhaps you would care to decide what you will eat first, and then perhaps you would like to visit our cocktail bar? The cabaret begins at eleven. I will arrange a table near the floor for you.”