By God, he didn'tl He climbed up on the stump of a pinetree with one of those monster-radishes in one hand and a lump of hard soldiers' bread in the other, and joked, between mouthfuls. Not dainty jokes but the real stuff told with the straightest face: about how chaste Pompey's life was compared with his own reprobate one. The things he did with that radish would have made an ox laugh. I remember one broad anecdote about how Pompey won his surname The Great--oh, that radish!--and another still worse one about how he himself had lost his hair in the Bazaar at Alexandria. I'd tell you them both now but for this boy here, and but for your being certain to miss the point, not having been educated in Caesar's camp. Not a word about the approaching battle except just at the close: 'Poor old Pompey! Up against Julius Caesar and his men!
What a chance he has!' "
"You didn't put any of this in your history," said Livy.
"Not in the public editions," said Pollio. "I'm not a fool. Still if you like to borrow the private Supplement which I have just finished writing, you'll find it there. But perhaps you'll never bother. I'll tell you the rest: Caesar was a wonderful mimic, you know, and he gave them Pompey's dying speech, preparatory to falling on his sword [the radish again--with the end bitten off]. He railed, in Pompey's name, at the Immortal Gods for always allowing vice to triumph over virtue. How they laughedl Then he bellowed: 'And isn't it true, though Pompey says it? Deny it if you can, you damned fornicating dogs, you!' And he flung the half-radish at them. And the roar that went up!
Never were there soldiers like Caesar's. Do you remember the song they sang at his French triumph?
'Home we bring the bald whore-monger, Romans, lock your wives away.' "
Livy said. "Pollio, my dear fellow, we were not discussing Caesar's morals, but the proper way to write history."
Pollio said. "Yes, that's right. Our intelligent young friend was criticising your method, under the respectful disguise of praising your readability. Boy, have you any further charges to bring against the noble Livy?"
I said: "Please, sir, don't make me blush. I admire Livy's work greatly."
"The truth, boyl Have you ever caught him out in any historical inaccuracies? You seem to be a fellow who reads a good deal."
"I would rather not venture..."
"Out with it. There must be something."
So I said: "There is one thing that puzzles me, I confess. That is the story of Lars Porsena. According to Livy, Porsena tailed to capture Rome, being first prevented by the heroic behaviour of Horatius at the bridge and then dismayed by the astounding daring of Scaevola; Livy relates that Scaevola, captured after an attempt at assassinating Porsena, thrust his hand into the flame on the altar and swore that three hundred Romans like himself had bound themselves by an oath to take Porsena's life. And so Lars Porsena made peace. But I have seen the labyrinth tomb of Lars Porsena at Clusium and there is a frieze on it of Romans emerging from the City gate and being led under a yoke. There's an Etruscan priest with a pair of shears cutting off the beards of the Fathers. And even Dionysius of Halicamassus, who was very favourably disposed towards [in] us, states that the Senate voted Porsena an ivory throne, a sceptre, a golden crown and a triumphal robe; which can only mean that they paid him sovereign honours. So perhaps Lars Porsena did capture Rome, in spite of Horatius and Scaivola. And Aruns the priest at Capua [he's supposed to be the last man who can read Etruscan inscriptions]
told me last summer that according to Etruscan records the man who expelled the Tarquins from Rome was not Brutus but Porsena, and that Brutus and Collatinus, the first two Consuls at Rome, were merely the City Stewards appointed to collect his taxes."
Livy grew quite angry. "I am surprised at you, Claudius.
Have you no reverence for Roman tradition that you should believe the lies told by our ancient enemies to diminish our greatness?"
"I only asked," I said humbly, "what really happened then."
"Come on, Livy," said Pollio. "Answer the young student. What really happened?"
Livy said; "Another time. Let's keep to the matter in hand now, which is a general discussion of the proper way to write history. Claudius, my friend, you have ambitions that way. Which of us two old worthies will you choose as a model?"
"You make it very difficult for the boy, you fealous fellows," put in Sulpicius. "What do you expect him to answer?"
"The truth will offend neither of us," answered Pollio.
I looked from one face to the other. At last I said, "I think I would choose Pollio. As I am sure that I can never hope to attain Livy's inspired literary elegance, I shall do my best to imitate Pollio's accuracy and diligence."
Livy grunted and was about to walk off, but Pollio restrained him. Bottling down his glee as well as he could he said: "Come, Livy, you won't grudge me one little disciple, will you, when you have them in regiments all over the world? Boy, did you ever hear about the old man from Cadiz? No, it's not dirty. In fact. it's rather sad. He came on foot to Rome, what to see? Not the temples or the theatres or the statues or the crowds or the shops or the Senate House. But a Man. What man? The man whose head is on the coins? No, no. A greater than he. He came to see none other than our friend Livy, whose works, it seems, he knew by heart. He saw him and saluted him and went straight back to Cadiz--where he immediately died; the disillusion and the long walk had been too much for him."
Livy said; "At any rate my readers are genuine readers, Boy, do you know how Pollio has built up his reputation?
Well, he's rich and has a very large, beautiful house and a surprisingly good cook. He invites a great crowd of literary people to dinner, gives them a perfect meal and afterwards casually picks up the latest volume of his history. He says humbly, 'Gentlemen, there are a few passages here that I am not quite sure about. I have worked very hard at them but they still need the final polish which I am counting on you to give them. By your leave....' Then he begins to read. Nobody listens very carefully. Everyone's belly is stuffed. ‘The cook's a genius’, they are all thinking. ‘The mullet with piquant sauce, and those fat stuffed thrushes and the wild-boar with truffles--when did I eat so well last? Not since Pollio's last reading, I believe. Ah, here comes the slave with the wine again. That excellent Cyprian wine. Follio's right: it's better than any Greek wine on the market.' Meanwhile Pollio's voice--and it's a nice voice to listen to, like a priest's at an evening sacrifice in summer--goes smoothly on and every now and then he asks humbly,
‘Is that all right, do you think?' And everyone says, thinking of the thrushes again, or perhaps of the little simnel cakes; 'Admirable. Admirable, Pollio.'
Now and then he will pause and ask: 'Now which is the right word to use here? Shall I say that the returning envoys persuaded or excited this tribe to revolt?
Or shall I say that the account they gave of the situation influenced the tribe in its decision to revolt? Actually, I think, they gave an impartial account of what they had seen.' Then a murmur goes up from the couches, 'Influenced, Pollio. Use influenced.’ ‘Thank you, friends,' he says, 'you are very kind. Slave, my penknife and pen. I'll change the sentence at once if you'll forgive me.' Then he publishes the book and sends each of the diners a free copy. They say to their friends, chatting at the Public Baths: 'Admirable book, this. Have you read it? Pollio's the greatest historian of our [ii?] age; and not above asking advice in small points of style from men of taste, either. Why, this word influenced I gave him myself.'"