“Just so we’re clear on the rule.”
“We’re clear on the rule.”
“If you can’t drive, we’ll call your assistant to pick you up.”
“There’s an idea. It’s just I’ve been sneezing for, like, forty-eight hours and this is the first time I’ve stopped. I was freaking out ‘cause I read somewhere about someone who had to be hospitalized because he couldn’t stop sneezing and then he died.”
“What did you want to talk about?”
“I’ve been offered this really interesting role. A remake, for no money. Italian film. Pasolini. But really interesting. And I did something — I think — I know it was connected to the part and some of it was the drugs, which I’ve now stopped. But I feel weird about it and wanted to talk.”
“Something with Cat?”
“God, I wish. Someone I know befriended a homeless woman. I don’t want to say who it is. He picked her up on the street and gave her money. Put her up at the St. James — or the place that used to be the St. James. She has a little girl. Anyway, they came to the house and she blew lunch over the whole celebrity thing. Meeting me. I mean, this is a woman who has been living in weeds off of freeways. We all got loaded and fooled around — I mean, she’s clean, not your standard homeless person, I know that sounds terrible. But very pretty, kind of like Annette Bening. My friend wound up taking her to another room. You could hear them…fucking so I took the girl to the other side of the house.”
“How old is she?”
“Around seven. Calliope, it’s really awful!”
“Why are you so upset?”
“I just feel so weird about this but I know why I did it. God, sometimes I wish I wasn’t an actress — the fucking burden. See, in Teorema—that’s the project I’m going to do for, like no money because it’s so great — this character I’m supposed to play is totally free, totally uninhibited. She has no…sexual morality. That’s what attracted me to the part. She’s a seducer. She sleeps with a whole family: husband, wife, daughter, son, the whole deal.”
“You’re saying there are no boundaries.”
Obie closed her eyes and nodded. “We played this game where I made her reach inside me.”
“You what?”
“I’m not a monster and I know she wasn’t…aware — what was happening. She was already sleepy because I think her mother gave her part of a pill, a Valium or something. So she was groggy, whatever, to begin with. My friend said that’s what she did, and I remember thinking how weird it was to give your kid a pill. But my mother did that too. So — she was half awake and I — took her to the guest room.”
“And what did you do?”
“I was going to put her to bed — should I…can I tell you this?”
“Yes.”
“You won’t judge me?”
“I won’t judge you.”
“This is exactly what the woman would have done—”
“What woman?”
“The character. From Teorema. I was totally covered by a blanket and she was more than half asleep, Calliope, I know I was completely covered the whole time. I feel weird but I’m not even sure it’s wrong — there’s no way she had any idea. ‘If an arm falls in the forest’—”
“She put her arm inside you? How?”
“I said I lost a diamond and if she found it, she could have it. I pushed it in…I mean, there was no way — it was only like ten seconds and that was all. She went to bed immediately. I mean, she was half-asleep during.”
“Simon? It’s Mitch.”
“Oh hi, Mitch.”
“Your mother’s very upset. She’s so upset that she asked me to call.”
“What’s up?”
“You know what’s up.”
“‘Fraid I don’t, Mitch.”
“Did you pay a visit to Hassan DeVore?”
“Pay a visit is a bit much, Mitch. I saw him, at the studio. Did he tell her that?”
“How else would she have found out, Simon?”
“What’s the problemo?”
“I think you know what the problem is.”
“Frankly, I don’t, Mitch. To summarize, why don’t you tell me.”
“Come on, Simon. You have a head on your shoulders, though you don’t always use it. That man is a client of your mother’s. Going to see him like that is not only a gross invasion of his privacy, but an act of aggression toward Calliope. I can’t believe you would have exploited her in that way. Or him.”
“I went to see Mr. DeVore as a courtesy, Mitch. I’m a writer! I’m not playing games! I know a producer on that show—”
“I can’t believe you’d even defend—”
“It’s moot that Sagabond’s no longer there, Mitch! The man extended me an open invitation—”
“Simon, I don’t care! Do you understand? Can you imagine her embarrassment? A client confronting her like that? With stories that her son’s soliciting work—”
“Confronting her? What does that mean, Mitch? Did Mister Vorbalid say he was unhappy I stopped by?”
“Mr. What?”
“He’s a fucking Vorbalid, Mitch — we’re not talking Anthony Hopkins here! We’re not even talking Michael Douglas!”
“This is pointless. I’m just calling to convey a message from your mother, okay, Simon?”
“But this is important, Mitch, this is subjective. Did my mother say DeVore was unhappy about my visit or didn’t she? Did she actually hear DeVore say—”
“This isn’t Court TV, okay, Simon? What you did was wrong and you know it! Calliope doesn’t want you to call, she doesn’t even want you at the house.”
“Oh, really. And what does that mean?”
“It means what it means. She doesn’t feel safe.”
“She doesn’t feel safe, Mitch?”
“That’s right and I can’t blame her. You crossed a line, Simon.”
“And now I’m the Unabomber.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Now I’m stalking my own mom, a moser! Pursuer of Jews!”
“You’re not to come by the house.”
“The house I grew up in. Oh. I see. Great. Wonderful, Mitch. I’m not to come by the house that I grew up in and the house you’ve inhabited for a relatively short while.”
“Don’t drag me into this.”
“You’ve done a pretty good job already.”
“This has nothing to do with me, Simon.”
“Oh. And what does it have to do with?”
“Your inappropriate behavior.”
“Oh. Right. To summarize. I see.”
“Let’s not belabor this.”
“I know you’re pissed off because she’s famous and you’re not.”
“I won’t even dignify that asininity with a comment.”
“You never will be, Mitch. I know that must hurt.”
“Goodbye, Simon.”
“Just one more thing. I was just wondering.”
“This conversation is over. Just stay away.”
“I only want to know one thing, it’s important.”
“What is it?”
“I was just wondering what your clients say when you show them your weasely non-famous little dick.”