Oops! Rear-entry time.
Right — yes—everything. I was amazed. They showed home videos, too. People who got it on and sent in tapes.
That’s hot.
Suddenly, it was like…the whole world is into adult filmmaking.
The whole world is watching! Remember that? Welcome to the kinky Global Village. Tell us more about the home videos.
Some were really sort of gross but some were very hot. Because you’d see couples that you usually don’t see, in professional productions. Petite girls with these really big guys—
Big in what way?
Tall. (laughs) It’s more real, because that’s what life is like — not everyone has these perfectly matching bodies.
You said petite girls. You mean, chest-wise?
Petite in general. Like, little Koreans — and white girls too — with these big, hairy guys.
That’s attractive.
(laughs) It was real. They were like “the couples next door”—people didn’t care how they looked and I thought that was great.
You’re not one who’s lacking in the chest department. (she tweaks a nipple with her long red fingernails, screwing and unscrewing; it stiffens) Wow, look at that.
They’re very sensitive. (she does the other one)
I’m getting sensitive myself just watching. So, Kiv: all this channel-surfing put you in the mood…
I guess you could say that, Troy. I certainly got curious.
What are you into? What turns you on?
Men. I’m really into men.
Have you done a film with a woman?
Not yet. But I haven’t done very many movies.
If you did, would you prefer a petite?
You mean, chest-wise?
Uh huh.
Someone smaller-chested than buxom, yes.
I’ll put your order in right away. (she laughs) Well, how about Singapore?
Singapore is great. I loved working with her in Dirty Squealers.
So you’d feel comfortable doing Singapore.
More than comfortable!
Or being done by.
Mmmmmm. In fact, while we were shooting, I was kind of disappointed you never put us together.
I’ll have to give myself a thousand lashes with the wet noodle. If it’s good enough for Ann Landers—
And she’s really sweet, Singapore. Not at all competitive. She’s just so great.
Speaking of erotic channels…would you mind taking off your panties? (Kiv smiles as she removes them) That’s beautiful. (CAMERA PUSHES IN CLOSER until her bush fills FRAME. It has been shaved in the shape of a heart) Hey, it’s Valentine’s Day. Move over, Edward Scissorhands.
I loved that movie. I think Tim Burton is a genius.
Did you do that yourself or did you have any help?
Just a little. (smiles) A little help from my friends. (laughs)
What kind of acting have you done, Kiv?
Mostly stage. Various productions in Vancouver. But I came to Hollywood so I could get experience in front of the camera. (CAMERA ZOOMS on bush) My plan is to cross over, like Traci Lords—
She’s not doing too bad, is she?
I’d love to do a series — something like Friends—but I’m also pursuing low-budget film work with interesting directors like Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez. But I really enjoy theater work and might be doing a play soon, in Burbank.
Beautiful downtown Burbank.
It’s Chekhovian—The Cherry Orchard.
I think you mean Chekhov. Chekhovian is the name of my grocer. The Cherry Orchard…that’s where farmers grow virgins, huh. (How had this happened to him? Years ago, he’d staged The Seagull in Topanga with Will Geer.) Kiv, do you think your work in adult films will hamper you? Lotsa prejudice out there.
For sure. But I point to Traci Lords as an example of how nothing can get in your way if you’re really motivated. I look at what I’m doing now as a preparation for film. It’s a legitimate tool.
“Legitimate Tool”—I like that! Can I use that as the title for my next film?
I think that when my time comes—
I’d love to watch your time come.
— (laughs) that I’ll be able to make that transition. Things are different than even ten years ago, especially so as we approach the fin-de-siècle.
The huh? The who? The what?
It’s French.
I didn’t know you were bisexual — I mean, bilingual—
(laughs) It means “end of the century.”
(Of course, he knew what it meant) Can you touch yourself, Kiv? (She does. CAMERA PUSHES IN for EXTREME CLOSE-UP) That’s great. You know, you’re a cunning bilinguist.
(JUMP CUT to CLOSE-UP of Kiv’s face, sometime later. Still the green lawn and blue sky, suburban ratcheting of distant sprinklers. Kiv moans, biting lip dramatically. CAMERA drifts down to breasts, jiggling against her athletic arm. Follows until we reach wrist and flailing hand with long, lacquered fingernails. Then a MEDIUM SHOT of Kiv as a muscular long-haired surfer in Speedo briefs ENTERS FRAME from b.g.)
Chet Stoddard
The housewife in toreador pants had been squinting at him from the moment he walked in. When Horvitz introduced him, the woman went nuts.
“Chet Stoddard who had the talk show?”
“That’s right.” Oh Christ, he thought. Why hadn’t he used an alias?
“I knew it!”
“Isn’t that something,” said the husband.
“Great memory,” said Chet with a Dick Clark smile.
“He doesn’t tell me anything, this guy.” Horvitz smiled too, but a little awkwardly. He didn’t like surprises, especially at the beginning of a pitch.
“That was a good show. We watched that show, didn’t we, Kenny?”
“Yes, we did,” said Kenny, matter-of-fact. “You were one of the first guys to go into the audience.”
“That’s right,” said Chet. “With the long microphones. They called them shotgun mikes.”
“Shotgun mikes!” Kenny effused, turning to his wife. “I remember that.”
“We’re not going to be on a talk show, are we?”
“Not even an infomercial,” said Horvitz, taking over the reins.
“Not today, I hope,” said Marion. “I’m having a bad hair day.”
ViatiCorps helped the terminally ill cash in their life insurance, providing the option of “accelerated benefits.” The debt-ridden former personality dropped by for an interview, then signed on as an “independent seller’s advocate” trainee. Kenny and Marion Stovall were glad to have a nominal public figure in the house. Somehow, it made the investment more of an adventure, and less of a risk.
“How did you become involved, Chet?”
That was the dentist.
“Well, I do a lot of fund-raising,” he lied. “Walkathons, benefits. I met Stu at the carnival.”
“For children with AIDS.”
“I keep wanting to go,” said Marion, demurely glancing at her mate, “but somehow we never make it.”
“I think,” said the dentist, “you have to be invited. They don’t take people off the street…”
“We’re hardly ‘off the street,’ darling.”
“Oh I think we can wangle an invitation,” Horvitz said. “They had a tremendous amount of celebrities this time around.”