it drive me a long long time to reach Suida because the roads are terribile and everything is so primitife and the village was just like I remembered déjà vu and nothing changes because it was old and dirty and very old at the same time but not dirty like dirty but there were cans of garbage all the time but no one had picked them up in long long time. Suida has many ajaweed and everyone wearing black and covered there heads with white with a silly hat or a foulard and it was like the fourteenth century but when I was there there was no electricity in the village but now here it is. Everyone I saw stared at me very much because I’am an outsider but I wasn’t of course but how do you tell that to stupid people don’t you know? I drove all the way up to my home and nothing changes there only for the terrace in the front and now it had pots of flowers, most of all hydreyngeas and some pensees but it was still the stone house and shutters of the wood was not changed also. The paint had gone bad and the color of green of the shutters was not there anymore at all almost because I was the last one to paint green paint on them there is fifty years ago. It did no longer look special like fifty years ago and not the best house in the village any more and look very smaller. I want to see under the pot of flowers next to the door to see my key but I don’t do that because it was long ago I left it there.
So an old woman come to the door and answer and she is also one of the ajaweeds and her mandeel cover her hair and she bites on one side to cover her mouth but she let go when she see its only me at the door and say hello to her so she smiled. She told me come in without realy asking who I am or what I want from her at all and she walk first to her salon room and I second and the salon was the same one because furnitire has no changes only they put better material on top of the chairs you see. I told her my name and said I had drive from Beirut a long way here and I ask her who she was and she was surprised because she was askin how I could come see her if I do not know who she was but I told her I lived here in the house a long long time there is many years back. Her eyes knew me and I should understand who she was but I did not think and it is not my fault all the time but only when I looked at her after she knew me I think I know who she is my own daughter you see. You see funny because I want to see my girl like when I left her not like she is now because when I left her she is only twelve but now she is older than me my own daughter but it is funny so I did not know in the beginning but now I knew that. You know she ask me for coffee and she is a good hostess because she ask me to take lunch with her because her husband is away for after lunch and she is not lettting me go away with no lunch. She walk first in the kitchen and me second after but the kitchen was old but had new cooker and fridgerator but not very new but new more than other things in the kitchen. She cook lunch and say to me she knew I will come one day soon but this surprised me because I ask her why she thinks I will remember and she says when she is sixteen reddy for marriage my grandfather came to Suida and asked all for me all the time. The bastard never say anything to me. You know, he was an evil man, a horribile human being and very stupid and I said to my daughter that and she said the same back because she did not like him at all when he came up all important and asked things like everyone was his servant. The bastard known about me and did’n’t say anything because he knew He knew I was always saying the truth yet always he said I was lyer. I hate this son of a bitch. So my daughter said she knew when he came up all the way to Suida I must remembered and she hope I come up to village also all the way and I told her I want to come there is many years but it was hard because we had war there for many years and she say she all the time prayed for me.
She told me the damn Israeliens killed all my two sons in 1967 and I feel so sad because of this and I cried for them many tears like river and she said my heart is kind because I cry for them now so long ago and I say I think of them all the time for so long now and maybe they have a better life now I hope and I pray. She told me about her family because she had three sons and a daughter and all are well and all married with there children to them and I said to her I am very young and not reddy for a great grandmother and we laughed hard as a rock and when she laughs all her whole body shakes and she have a good life and all her hopes have come true all the time you see.
I asked her about her husband and she said he was a good man and he loves her and he from a good family and was a stoneworker and worked hard and he with the family in good and bad time and I ask her if he makes a problem when before she married and she said no problem and asked me why I ask her about a problem and I said did he know she not pure when he marries her. She looks sad and cry a lot and said he did know nothing because he is simple man and did not know anything about women. She surprised I remember all that but I was upset because she thinks I forget something like this because all the time I rememeber what happenned that day all the time never forget you see and how can she think I forget what my husband he did and I killed him because he did when I see him over her on top. what can I do? so I killed him and cut the throat and then cut my throat because after I cannot explain why I killed him because she will never have a husband if I say why and she was not pure you see. She said she know all the time and is smart because she knows and she says thank you to me and then she make me eat a big lunch with her and we talk to each other all the afternoon all the time and she cooks good like me and we change cooking recettes to cook better. Then she walks me to see her children one by one all of them and was realy wonderful but I did not see her husband because I want to go and come home before midnight but I say to her I come back soon all the time you see and I now feel I have family. This is secret between you and me don’t tell any personne about my car to Suida because I don’t know what to say to people how I went because I don want problems now. so you see you keep secret.
Lamia
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Dear Janet,
Very worse day today and you don’t believe what happen because Ramadan is over and everybody celebrate and have good time and celebrate and noisy and everybody fire fireworks all the time and noise all over and not sensitive for other people and no one thinks of anyone but them self. You know all the month there is one man that is a drummer and he wakes all the people for two in the morning all night and every night and he bangs his drum boom boom and shouts wake up wake up for everybody to wake up and eat before fasting in the morning but I do’n fast so why wake me? he calls all muslim to wake up but muslims have there party at cafes and dance and eat all night and not sleep until next day but he wakes me you see. The drum boy makes me crazy all the time so I throw potatos at him but I am not a bad person because I cook the pototos in microwave for one minute only so potato is not too hard on his head and I hit him with only one and I did not want to hurt him but want him stop banging the drum all the time and it was not raw potato. The shit drum boy come all the way to my home and complain to my husband about me hitting him on the head with a potato. He asked my husband why I do that and he is little man because he is very short and why are most bad people short don’t you think? Good thing Ashraf is not short at all. So my husband says a big sorry to the short drum boy and he says to him I have much stress in my life now but I don’t have much stress if he did not drum all the time every night now you see but my husband does not take my side anytime. All the time I am wrong to him and I hate him. Well Ramadan is now finis and now all the time for two days muezzins call there prayers on microphones for two mosks and one on one side of my house and one on other side of my house and they say sermons on microphones and each one is more loud than other one and its not right they do that but also the one church now microphone the bells ringing because the mosks are loud so the church has to be more loud. The two mosks hate them self and my husband says there is blood between them and we get noise in stereo now. Every one shut up now please but there is more noise all the time and firework and all wrong religion all the time and there is no quiet for me you see.