Pure astonishment.
He broke the cardboard, tossed us each a can. Arthur dropped his in the excitement, then moved to clap Nicky Parkes on the shoulder.
Tim was laughing, snapping open the can. Ya fucking dancer! he shouted.
Well done Nicky Parkes, I said.
I tapped a five, he said.
Who off?
Nicky Parkes patted the side of his nose.
Fair enough.
Tim had the tobacco out and was rolling the two of them a smoke.
Maybe I should have got a bottle of wine, said Nicky, that is what I was wondering.
Aw naw, the beer’s great.
Aye but Pat I might have got fucking two: buy one get one free.
Oh.
A can of beer is a pleasure, said Arthur.
A pleasurable experience, I added.
That’s right, said Arthur, and it provides a basis.
I looked at the fire and at Arthur and Tim. Somebody needs to get burnables.
They looked at me.
I got the last lot.
Did ye? said Arthur.
I dont remember that, said Tim, then he smiled. Heh Pat mind that idea you had about saving the empties and bashing them down, taking them to a scrappie?
Aye.
It was a fucking mad idea! Tim guffawed.
I nodded. I stared at the fire a few moments. It did need replenishing. There was a kids’ cot someplace, some fucking thing, I couldnay remember. Tim was saying to Arthur about the story, finish the story. I thought he had finished it. It was a dream, I said, it wasnay a story.
Tell us it anyway, said Tim.
Aye, I said, we’re all ears.
Arthur squinted at me.
Tell us, said Tim.
Ach naw, a stupid dream.
Stupidity hasnay stopped ye before, I said.
Thanks Pat.
Nicky Parkes glanced at me then at Arthur.
I was gony go for the burnables then I thought Naw, I want to hear the cunt. Get it ower and done with, I said.
Arthur sniffed and continued, repeating some of the earlier stuff for the benefit of Nicky Parkes. I only half listened. I hadnay heard much the first time and what I was hearing now didnt greatly interest me. I find that stuff childish, like dirty jokes and that kind of shite, boring crap.
The beer was tasty, given the label was foreign and I could not remember having seen it before. Some of it trickled down my chin. I wiped it with the cuff of my coat sleeve.
Parties were watching me. I’ll wring it out later, I said, once yous mob have fucked off.
Charming, said Tim.
You dont have to listen, said Arthur.
I sighed. Know something Arthur you are a shifty cunt.
No as shifty as you man you’re a byword in this parish.
Parish, oho, the Pape patter. This is mixed company you behave yerself.
Finish the story, said Tim.
Arthur shrugged. I’m no inventing fuck all
It’s a dream, said Tim.
Exactly. I knew the two guys, Arthur said, but it wasnay like we were pals. It’s more like we used to be pals. Years ago. We had went our separate ways and just bumped into each other.
So what ye saying?
Well it’s obvious. The two of them were shagging the same bird.
What do ye mean ‘obvious’?
The way things happen in a dream, said Arthur. Ye just know. He was a nasty fucker. He was pointing back down the lane. I looked to see what he was pointing at. Sure enough it was the other guy, his mate, the first yin’s mate. I watches the two of them laughing and joking the gether.
Aw jees, I said, I’m lost.
That is how I felt, said Arthur, fucking sidelined man. I thought These three bastards are keeping me out of it.
Ye mean you wanted yer hole as well?
Tim laughed.
Naw Pat I dont mean that.
Well what then?
It was like They know something I dont.
Tim stopped laughing and said, Who was the woman?
Arthur nodded. I was wondering when somebody would ask that.
Nicky Parkes sniffed, cleared his throat and cleared his tubes, dumped the lot on the fire.
I hope it’s no about us, I said. I hate stories about where that happens, where a guy winds up his wife’s having it away with some cunt. It’s as auld as the hills and it will never stop but that doesnay mean ye’ve got to like hearing about it. Personally speaking I dont like hearing about it, no if it is mates involved.
Nicky Parkes looked at me, then at Tim, then swigged from his can, wiped his mouth.
Ye want to hear my dreams, I said, they’re fucking murder fucking polis man. Mind you I dont usually get any. And see if I do, they’re fucking boring as fuck. No kidding ye man they’re that fucking boring I dont remember having them once they’ve gone. Nay fucking wonder!
Nicky Parkes spluttered. He spluttered and spluttered. He went into a fit. It started with a giggle. Then the beer went up or down his gullet, nose and tubes. He definitely had something wrong in the nostrils department. I slapped him on the back. When he was able to speak he said, Sorry man ye just made me laugh there.
I’m glad of that, I said, I like making cunts laugh.
Tim said, Tell ye my problem, I cannay get to sleep.
If yer dreams were really boring then they would make ye go to sleep.
Arthur wagged his finger at me. Pat, he said, ye wouldnay get dreams if ye were awake. Ye would be already sleeping.
What is this April fool! I said. What day is it?
What about the third man? said Tim, I want to know about him. The one the two guys met.
It was me they met, said Arthur, I was the third man.
So it was your wife? said Tim.
What?
Is that the punchline?
There’s nay punchline.
Nicky Parkes leaned closer to me and said quietly, What did he say there?
I shrugged.
The dream just went on, said Arthur, the two guys were taking me down the lane.
What were they wanting to shag you as well?
Pat gie us a break?
Well nay wonder, I said, fucking Gone with the Wind. I swigged another mouthful, wiped my chin with my coat sleeve. I didnay like the way this was going but could do nothing to stop it, bar go for the burnables. But it wouldnay stop the dream being telled, just me from hearing it. And if these cunts heard it I needed to.
At the same time I wasnay wanting to be dishonest. Arthur had persisted in telling us it. Maybe I was doing him a disservice. Okay he was a shifty cunt but he wasnay an arsehole. And now he was looking at me. What ye looking at me for?
What?
I stared at him.
I’m just telling the story.
Well tell the fucking story.
Okay. So the lassie comes out the house and she looks about. There’s a wee flight of stairs. It’s like she is looking for the next guy along. She doesnay see us, me and the other two guys, she just doesnay see us. The funny thing is I recognize her. She’s wearing a blue and black speckled jersey and a black skirt and she’s got a jacket on, a kind of blazer type of thing, and she’s wearing black tights.
Black tights! said Tim. I might have known.
Me and all, said Nicky Parkes, and his eyebrows twitched.
We need burnables, I said, I know where there’s cardboard boxes.
Want a hand? said Tim.
Naw.
Get a bottle of wine while ye’re at it, said Nicky Parkes.
Ha ha, I said but away I went.
Vacuum
She was moving around. She would be tidying. She did this to keep up her spirits. Thump thump. No she did not, she did it to make me feel guilty. One thing was for sure, there was no need to tidy. Nobody ever visited the place. How come she had to tidy? How come she kept on tidying? Morning noon and night it drove me crazy. The girls never visited, nobody visited. The last people to visit were neighbours with a burst pipe who shouted about water coming through their ceiling. It had not come through any ceiling, it came down through the light. The water followed the track of the wire: electrical wire. They failed to notice. Stupidity. They were lucky they had not short-circuited the entire block of flats. That was a month ago. The wife did the talking, she was good at that kind of stuff. I could not look at them. Except for the postman that was the last visitors. We had sons. They never came. When was the last time? I could not remember. A month ago at least. Of course they had their own lives. Of course.