I’d sure like a fissure right about now.
Fortunately, I’m able to keep the situation from devolving further by writing some checks,120 and eventually the crowd disperses.
As the last person exits the driveway, Babcia turns to me and gives me a triumphant smile.
“Golabki time.”
For the record?
I’m pretty sure I’m out of the running for the dessert course at the next neighborhood progressive dinner.
Chapter Thirteen. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES
“After all that, did Babcia leave without incident?” Ann Marie asks during our weekly call. Because she’s so busy, we actually have a standing appointment to catch up every Tuesday from noon to one thirty p.m. Her secretary blocks the time off on her calendar and brings down a world of hurt on anyone who tries to disturb us.121
I sigh. “Um, sort of. On Sunday, when I was upstairs writing and she was supposedly napping, she cornered Mac and told him she wanted to clean our house. Mac was so thrilled that she’d not only actually spoken to him directly but also seemed to be taking responsibility for her actions that he was all, ‘Yes, of course, Babcia, anything you say.’ So she and some random crew of Polish ladies — mind you, I have no idea who they were or where they came from — they got this place spotless. When they finished, Mac was all, ‘Thank you!’ and then Babcia goes, ‘Four hundred dollars. Plus tip. Big tip. Babcia don’t like cheap.’”
“He never saw it coming, did he?”
I laugh despite the six-hundred-dollar hit on our bank account. “We’ve been married how long, ten years? And the poor guy has yet to figure out how Babcia operates. This is what happens when he doesn’t communicate with me. Had he just run the cleaning idea past me, I’d have stopped them both. I mean, did he forget that Christmas when we stayed with her and she tried to charge him for using hot water?”122
“I can’t help but adore her. Someday when I’m old, I’m going to stop being so nice to people and be more like Babcia,”Ann Marie replies wistfully.
I kind of hope I’m not alive to see that.
She continues. “So, construction, how’s that going? Please tell me you’ve finally started making decisions about that house with your head and not your heart.”
I’m very pleased to tell her, “We did a ton of research on how to select a contractor, and we conducted a number of interviews.”
“Why, Grasshopper, there may be hope for you yet. When does work begin?”
“That’s still TBD.”
“Oh, did they all run away screaming when they saw the place, too?” We’re on speakerphone, which means I can hear her tapping a box of Marlboro Reds, followed by the tearing of cellophane. Then I note the familiar clink of a crystal ashtray being placed on her desk, the whoosh of a lighter, and a deep intake of breath. I’ve heard it all a million times before.
Ann Marie’s secret shame is that she hasn’t been able to conquer her addiction to smoking. She’s done the patch, the gum, Chantix, acupuncture, hypnosis, aromatherapy, psychotherapy, support groups, herbal cigarettes, an ill-advised weekend in a sweat lodge, and cold turkey/sheer willpower. Every time she fails, it’s. . not pretty.
You know how families stage interventions to force their loved ones to stop a destructive behavior like drugs or alcohol? Ann Marie’s husband gathered all her friends, family, and associates to beg her to please start smoking again because her attempts at quitting were ruining the lives of everyone around her.
She’s gotten her habit down to the point that she’ll smoke only at work. Her office is located in a municipal building — not only does everyone in the building turn the other way when she blatantly violates the city’s no-smoking statute, but her boss even had a special fan and vent system installed for her. In college we used to call her “the Bear,” which was short for “Don’t taunt the bear.”
“No, smarty-pants, they didn’t. None of our top choices were available, and I’m so disappointed. The one guy would have kept us in stitches, and there was a female contractor who was just so cool and interesting. The third guy was all Zen and socially responsible and I loved knowing that my hiring him would directly benefit Habitat for Humanity.”
While we chat, I’m lying on the couch in the library, staring up at the gaping holes in the ceiling. Because we have such extensive termite damage, the handyman we contacted after the fact couldn’t repair the openings and we have to wait for our contractor. On the one hand, I’m a fan of how much more light this room gets, but on the other, I’m not so thrilled by the source. Given the choice, I’d rather have a dark library and two additional functioning bathrooms.
I go on: “Plus, I really looked forward to having coffee with them before they started work for the day. I’d try to make them happy to come to the job site with theme breakfasts and stuff. Monday could be Munchkin Doughnut Day, followed by Turkey Bacon Tuesday and Waffle Wednesday. I can’t think of anything for Thursday yet, but we’d have Fresh Fruit Friday and, if they wanted overtime, Sausage, Egg, and Cheese (Biscuit) Saturday.”
“That’s not the worst idea you ever had.” When she says it like that, I’m not sure I want to ask her what my worst idea ever was, because I suspect I don’t want to hear the answer.
“Um, thank you? Anyway, the guide actually stressed hiring someone you’d want to have over for dinner. Doing quality work is only one aspect. When you’re going to have a person managing a team in your house for what could be months, you have to make sure your personalities mesh or the experience is going to be awful for everyone.”
Ann Marie is noncommittal on her end of the phone. “I see. Go on.”
“I guess it’s understandable that these contractors are all busy, because they interviewed so well. The guide said you don’t want a contractor who actually needs the work. But that’s kind of weird to me. Like, why are they even going out to talk to potential new clients if they won’t have time to take you on?”
“Ours is not to ask why,” Ann Marie replies. See? Do you see how much calmer and more serene she is while she’s smoking? One of her tricks is to deny herself cigarettes when she’s going to court because it makes her extra aggressive.123
“What really sucks is that none of the B-teams we interviewed can take our job, either. I guess with summer coming on, everyone’s Is really ratcheting up the home repairs.”
I can hear Ann Marie exhale sharply on the other end of the line. “None of them? How many second choices did you have?”
“We did seven interviews in all, three we loved and four we really liked. All of them came highly recommended.”
“Uh-huh, and did they all seem interested in the job when you first approached them?” She’s trying to get at something, but I’m not too concerned. She’s always trying to get at something. She sees conspiracy theories everywhere. When her kids were younger and she’d watch children’s programming with them, she’d always go on and on about the Sesame Street industrial complex.124
“Well, yeah, or else they wouldn’t have met with us. As of now, to fix everything in this place, it’s a six-figure job. We had to take out a second mortgage to pay for it all.”
When I say the cost out loud, I get a stomach cramp. I knew everything would be expensive and that the home’s price reflected the need for updates, but there’s still something about seeing all those zeroes on a piece of paper that makes me more than a little queasy. Do you know how much melodramatic zombie longing I’ll have to write to compensate for that kind of money? For six figures, I may even have to let Mose and Ishmael get to second base with their crushes.125 Argh.