“No. I feel kinda sick to my stomach, to tell you the truth. But I’m here, so hey. Let’s do it.”
Mrs. McWhorter buzzed them up without comment. The stairs were steep and poorly lit, and Clare wondered if this place could pass a municipal safety inspection. Did Millers Kill have safety inspectors?
The door to 4A swung open at Kristen’s knock.
“Hello, Ma,” she said, her voice forcibly calm. Clare tried to school her shock at the size of the woman who embraced the ramrod-stiff girl.
Brenda McWhorter pulled away from her surviving daughter, her expression a mixture of hurt and frustration. “Aw, Kristen, don’t be like that.” Her eyes flickered to where Clare stood in the hall. “Aw, now don’t tell me you’ve brought a cop with you. Krissie . . .”
“She’s not a cop, Ma, she’s a priest. She’s the one who was there the night they found Katie’s—the night they found Katie. She’s been helping me out. This is Reverend Clare Fergusson.”
Clare stuck out her hand. “Mrs. McWhorter,” she said, rummaging for something to say. “Pleased to meet you” and “Sorry about your husband” seemed grotesquely inappropriate under the circumstances. “I’m so very sorry about your recent losses,” she said. “From everything I’ve heard, Katie was an exceptional girl. She’ll be missed.” And as for your husband, good riddance to bad rubbish, Grandmother Fergusson added.
Brenda McWhorter shook hands and led Kristen and Clare into the apartment. They bunched awkwardly in front of a massive maple sideboard. “Well, go ahead, take your coats off,” Mrs. McWhorter said, gesturing toward a row of hooks by the door. “Same place, nothin’s changed since you left.”
Kristen rolled her eyes but obediently gathered up Clare’s bomber jacket and hung it alongside her own bulky coat.
“What interesting pieces you have,” Clare said. “They look like antiques.”
Brenda surveyed her kingdom. “They were my parents’. Came from the big farmhouse we had out toward Cossayaharie. We had to sell it when my dad passed, but I kept some of the furniture.”
Kristen plunked herself into the narrow Victorian settee and crossed her arms. “What are you gonna do now that he’s gone, Ma? Move back out to Aunt Pat’s? Get a job? What?”
Her mother sat, an operation that required her to lower her center of gravity over a well-used, well-sprung chair and then drop in a controlled fall. “Well, honey, I thought I’d stay right here. I know that we’ve had some problems in the past, but I figured now your daddy’s gone you and I can take up again, get to be friends. I got enough money to keep me . . .”
Clare sat on a cane-seated ladder chair, her face composed and pleasant, wondering how another human being could let herself get that large. She shifted in her chair. No, that wasn’t fair. Not everyone grew up in an active family and started off in a career that demanded physical fitness. On the other hand, basic self-respect should get you off the sofa and on your feet—she twitched. She didn’t call alcoholism a lack of self-respect. She shouldn’t see obesity that way, either. If some people didn’t have the discipline to push away from the table after a third helping—her cheeks warmed at her persistent failure of compassion. Dear God, she thought, help me to accept as Christ accepted. Keep my mind on helping, not judging. And remind me to put in a five-mile run this evening.
Kristen was going over her mother’s financial situation, asking to look over the pension and insurance documents, quizzing her on any other benefits. Mrs. McWhorter was at best vague about money matters.
“Ma, you’re going to have to learn to keep a checkbook now. Come on down to the bank tomorrow and I’ll set you up. That way, I can help you balance your account for awhile. You got the information on the CDs and the savings? Can I see it, please?”
Mrs. McWhorter heaved herself up from her chair and waddled down the hall. “Isn’t she smart?” she tossed back to Clare.
Clare turned to Kristen, still sitting back with her arms crossed defensively over her chest. “You are smart about finances,” she said.
“Everybody’s good about something, they say. I like it. I like numbers.”
“So consistent, aren’t they? So easy to control.” Kristen shot her a look. Clare went on. “It can be a lot easier to throw yourself into your work than to face personal problems, have you noticed that? It’s comfortable and distracting.”
Kristen shot up from the settee and threaded her way through the heavy furniture to the pass-through kitchen. “You want something to drink? I know Ma’s got soda in here.”
“I’m fine. Are you going to ask your mother about what she’d like for the funerals?”
Brenda McWhorter lumbered up the hallway, a sheaf of papers and envelopes in her hand. She stopped dead at Clare’s words. “Aw, Krissie,” she said. “We do gotta talk about that. You’re gonna take care of the details, aren’t you, honey? You know I’m no good at that sort of thing.”
Kristen slammed the refrigerator door with enough force to set the contents rattling. “Yeah, Ma, I’m gonna take care of the details. I know you’re no good at that sort of thing.” Her voice began to crack. “You don’t like to deal with life’s crappy little details.” She slammed a liter bottle of orange soda on the counter and knocked over two plastic glasses in the drainboard before grabbing hold of one.
“Krissie . . .”
“Ma, I’m the kid here, remember? You’re the mom. You’re supposed to be taking care of me, not the other way around.” The soda slopped over the pebbled sides of the glass. “You were supposed to take care of me and Katie and I gotta tell you, Ma, you did a piss-poor job of it.” A barking sob escaped her before she covered her mouth.
“Krissie . . .” Brenda’s hands fluttered ineffectually. Clare suddenly saw, very clearly, the small woman inside that bulky disguise. Had she done that to herself? Or was it more of Darrell’s handiwork? “I tried . . . you don’t understand. You never understood what it was like to need someone.” She looked down at the paperwork charting how her and Darrell’s money had grown over the years. She looked beseechingly toward Clare. “In a lot of ways, he was a real good husband and father.”
Clare clenched her teeth tightly to keep her gorge down.
“Ma, I gotta know. Was he doing Katie? Did he start messing with her after I moved out?”
“Kristen! How can you say that!”
Her daughter leaned over the speckled countertop, hands braced. “I know. We never say that, do we? We none of us ever came right out and said what was happening, did we? Not even Katie and me. Did he, Ma? Did he?”
Brenda dropped her gaze to the carpet and shook her head. “He . . . I dunno if Katie told him something or if it was . . . if it was just you. He was good around Katie.” She looked up at her daughter again. “I couldn’t lose him, Krissie. I didn’t think . . .” She looked at the papers in her hand. “I didn’t think about it, that’s all. You gotta learn to overlook some things when you’re married. He took good care of me, and he loved me.” She started to cry.
“Aw, Ma. Jesus, Ma. You didn’t think about it.” Kristen plodded around the counter and put her arms as far around her mother as she could. “Ma, he used all of us.” Her voice cracked, but she went on, “I made myself into the kind of person who will never get used again, and you can, too. It’s not too late.”
Her mother shook her head. “I ain’t tough like you nor smart like Katie. I’ve always needed somebody to help me get along. I know you hate him, and I can’t blame you, you got that right. But I don’t know what I’ll do without him. God damn him for thinking he could make one last big deal.”
Clare stepped forward involuntarily. What?
Kristen wiped her eyes and nose with her sleeve. “Geez, him and his big deals . . .”