“I’m sorry.” It sounded so inadequate but it’s all I could think of to say.
“It’s okay. Ancient history, right?”
“And they made you a reaper right away?”
“Yes.”
“Did you hate it?”
“Not always,” he said. “Not until I had to take you.”
I shifted so that I was close enough to feel the warm energy coming off of him. “Tell me what happened.”
“You were with a boy. His truck went over a guardrail into a river.” Finn dropped his head and stared at his clenched fists in his lap. “I’d never doubted what I had to do. Never gave it a second thought. But after seeing you lying there in the snow, knowing you’d dragged yourself out of that river and died alone…for the first time in over forty years, I hated what I had to do. I hated myself.”
He stopped to rub his hands over his face again. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say to this boy who had seen me die. This boy who was doing everything in his power to make sure it didn’t happen again.
“When I came back the next day, you were at the gates, waiting,” he went on. “I thought for sure you’d hate me. Most of them did. Not at first, but after they realized how trapped they really were, what kind of fate waited for them, they always hated me.”
“But I didn’t.” Hesitantly, I met Finn’s intense gaze. “I didn’t hate you, did I?”
“No.” He shook his head. “No…you loved me, I think.”
I nodded and forced myself to look away. I already knew that part. I knew because it was still inside me, filling up my heart, making it feel like it was ready to explode being this close to him.
“Anything else?” His voice sounded gruff.
“Why me?” I finally decided to ask. “What made me different?”
“Before you, there was only dark.” He stopped, but his voice was still unsteady when he started again. “You lit up my whole world, like the sun bursting through the clouds on a stormy day. You made me remember what it was like to feel alive. You made me believe I was something more than death. You made me believe in something that I didn’t think existed anymore.”
My heart pounded in my chest, a steady beat that thudded harder with each passing second that he wasn’t touching me. I’d never wanted anyone to touch me as badly as I wanted Finn to in that moment. “Could you touch me right now if you wanted to?” I asked in a shaky voice.
He raked his hands through his hair and tugged. “Don’t ask me to do that. Not now. I’m too messed up to think straight and there are rules…”
He sounded torn, but for once, I didn’t want to think about what was right—I wanted him. Whatever that meant. There were too many memories in my mind. I didn’t want memories. I wanted the real thing. Here. Now. Finn jumped off the bed and started to pace, his jaw clenched in restraint, the muscles in his forearms flexing. I hauled myself up behind him, heart in my throat, but pain throbbed through the stitches in my neck and leg. I gave up and leaned against the bed.
“Don’t leave. I won’t ask again. I pro—” I stopped when I heard it. Static electricity seemed to crackle in the air between us, then the floorboards under Finn’s shoes groaned with his weight. He took a deep, shaky breath, and his gaze…
His gaze looked reckless. And then-He kissed me.
I froze as his warm, solid lips pressed against mine. This…this couldn’t be happening. Finn was kissing me, really kissing me. My lips parted in surprise, my neck stinging, but the pain was worth it.
He moaned against my mouth, and the sound ran through my body like fire in gasoline. One of his hands slid down my jaw, cradling my face to deepen the kiss. The other hand brushed down my ribs to touch the bare strip of skin where my shirt rode up. My arms wound around his back to close any space left between us.
His weight made me stumble against the bed and I winced, pain shooting up my leg as though I’d been stabbed all over again. Finn jerked away, but his hands held me in place. “Oh God…did I hurt—” I pulled him back to me and sealed our lips, trapping the rest of his words inside. It did hurt.
Everything did, but I didn’t care. Finn’s lips worked against mine and he shuddered, his hands careful of all the places that hurt.
“God,” he groaned resting his forehead against mine, shaking. “I want to feel this, Emma. I want to feel you, and I can’t.”
I frowned, but he kissed me again as if he could will himself to be alive and held my head in place, giving my neck the support it needed. I wanted him to be able to feel me, too. Wanted him to feel the fire in his veins like I did, and didn’t understand why he couldn’t.
All at once, there wasn’t room for any of the anger or the hurt over the lies. There was only room for Finn. The memories of this might have been good, but they were nothing compared to the real thing. His hands settled on my hips, gripping my flesh like he wanted more of me than he could get.
“Finn,” I whispered against his kiss, needing so much. Too much. I never wanted this to end. My hands slid around to his back, and his body slowly softened. Melted into a cool vapor against my skin.
A burst of energy ripped us apart and he scattered into a thousand particles before he managed to pull himself back together. Once he was solid again he reached for me, but his hand turned to vapor against my skin.
“Damn it,” he said, dropping his hand. “I can’t…I can’t keep it together.”
Pain seared my neck and my need for Finn took my breath away. I reached for his shimmering form, needing to feel him again, but all that was left was a translucent version of the boy I loved. I clutched my chest where it hurt, and a choked sob ripped its way out of my throat.
“Emma, stop…don’t cry,” he pleaded. His gentle fingers, their breathy warmth touching my face, only made it worse.
“It’s not enough,” I cried, unable to stop myself. “This will never be enough.”
It hurt, loving him like this. It hurt knowing everything about our past, but knowing we didn’t have a future. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up to find it all a dream, because this kind of pain was going to kill me long before Maeve ever could. I wanted so many things I couldn’t have. I wanted him to be alive.
His eyes raked over me, a desperation in them that I’d never seen before. “Did you say Cash was drinking tonight?”
I nodded. Finn hopped up and went to the window. “If Cash comes to your window, let him in.”
I could barely see the fading shimmer of his outline in the moonlight. “What are you going to do?”
He squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “Just let him in.” With that he dissolved through the wall and into the darkness, leaving me aching and alone.
Chapter 31
Finn I didn’t think. I just moved. Kept moving until I was sinking into a bleary-minded Cash, who was sitting on his sofa strumming a soft tune on his guitar. If I thought about it, I’d remember what I said to Scout that night on the mountain, and what a disgusting excuse for a person I’d become the second I decided to do this. I told myself I didn’t have time to think about it, but as the dizziness swept through me from the feel of new blood rushing through my veins, not thinking was impossible.