"I'm fine," she interrupted, not wanting to have this conversation again.
"Just let me damn finish," he snapped. "I'm trying to say that if you need anything, I'm here. Not just money and all, but you know you've got that if you need it."
"I'm fine," she repeated, thinking hell would freeze over before she went to her uncle Hank for help with anything.
The phone beeped, and Lena ignored it again. She walked into the kitchen and would have turned back around if Nan hadn't grabbed her arm.
"Happy birthday!" Nan said, clapping her hands with sheer joy. She took a box of matches from her apron, and Lena watched as she lit the single candle on top of a white-frosted yellow cupcake. There was another cupcake on the counter with a similar candle, but Nan left that one alone.
Nan began to sing, "Happy birthday to you," and Lena told Hank, "I've got to go."
"Happy birthday!" he repeated, nearly in time with Nan.
Lena ended the call. The phone began ringing almost immediately, and she turned it on then quickly off again as Nan finished the song.
"Thanks." Lena blew out the candle, hoping to God Nan didn't expect her to eat anything. Her stomach felt like she had swallowed a rock.
"Did you make a wish?"
"Yeah," Lena said, thinking it best not to tell her what.
"I know you're too nervous to eat it," Nan said, peeling the paper away from the little round cake. She smiled, taking a bite. Sometimes Nan was so damn intuitive it made Lena uncomfortable; it was like they were an old married couple.
Nan asked, "Is there anything I can do?"
"No, thanks," Lena said, pouring herself a cup of coffee. The coffeemaker was one of the few things Lena kept in the shared parts of the house. Most of the time, she stayed confined to her room, reading or watching the small black-and-white television she had gotten free from the bank when she opened a new checking account.
Lena had moved in with Nan out of dire necessity, but no matter what Nan did to try to make her feel comfortable here, Lena had a strong sense of not belonging. Nan was the perfect roommate, if you could tolerate that kind of perfection, but Lena had finally gotten to the place where she wanted her own house with her own things. She wanted a mirror she could look at in the morning without having the last two years thrown back in her face. She wanted Ethan out of her life. She wanted the rock in her gut to go away. For the first time in her life, she wanted her period.
The phone rang again. Lena pressed the buttons in rapid succession, hanging up the call.
Nan took another bite of cupcake, watching Lena over the mound of frosting. She chewed slowly, then swallowed. "It's such a shame you have to wear makeup now. You've got great skin."
The phone rang again, and Lena clicked it off. "Thanks."
"You know," Nan said, sitting down at the kitchen table, "I don't mind if Ethan stays over sometimes." She indicated the house with a wave of her hand. "This is your place, too."
Lena tried to return the smile. "You have frosting on your lip."
Nan patted her mouth with a napkin. She would never use the back of her hand or lick it away. Nan Thomas was the only person Lena had ever met who actually kept napkins in a dispenser on the table. Lena was a neat person herself and God knows she liked to have things orderly, but it was disconcerting the way Nan couldn't just put something in its place. She had to have a crocheted cover for it, preferably with tassels or a teddy bear.
Nan finished the cupcake, using the napkin to clean crumbs off the table. She stared at Lena in the ensuing silence. The phone rang again.
"So," Nan said. "Big day today. First day back."
Lena clicked the phone on, then off. "Yep."
"Think they'll have some sort of party?"
Lena snorted a laugh. Frank and Matt had both made it more than clear that Lena didn't belong back on the force. Most days, Lena wasn't sure she disagreed with them, but this morning when she had put on her holster and clipped her cuffs onto the back of her belt, Lena had felt like she was falling back into the natural pattern of her life.
The phone rang, and Lena thumbed the keys again. She looked at Nan to gauge her reaction, but Nan was busy folding the paper from her cupcake into a tiny, neat square, as if this was just an ordinary moment in her ordinary life. If Nan Thomas ever decided to be a cop, she'd have criminals lining up to confess. If she chose a life of crime, there was no way she would ever get caught.
"Anyway," Nan resumed. "You don't have to move out. I'm fine having you around."
Lena looked at the lone cupcake on the counter. Nan had bought two: one for Lena and one for Sibyl.
"They had a two-for-one special at the bakery," Nan said, but then amended, "Actually, I'm lying. Sibyl loved cupcakes. It was the only sugar she would ever eat. I paid full price."
"I guessed."
"I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize."
"Oh, I know." Nan walked over to the trash can, which was decorated with green and yellow bunny rabbits to match her apron. "I did go to the bakery for you, though. I wanted to get you something to celebrate. Just because she's dead -"
"I know, Nan. Thanks. I really appreciate it."
"I'm glad."
"Good," Lena said, making herself meet Nan's steady gaze. As much of a neat freak as the woman was, she never cleaned her glasses. Lena could see the fingerprints from six feet away. Still, behind the lenses, Nan's owl-like eyes were piercing, and Lena clamped her mouth shut, fighting the urge to confess.
Nan said, "It's just hard without her. You know that. You know what it's like."
Lena nodded, a lump rising in her throat. She tried to chase it down with a swallow of coffee, but ended up scorching the roof of her mouth instead.
"The thing is, it's nice having you here."
"I appreciate you letting me stay this long."
"Honestly, Lee, you can stay forever. I don't care."
"Yeah," Lena managed over her coffee. How would Nan feel about a kid? Lena gave a mental groan. Nan would probably love a kid, would probably crochet booties for it and dress it up in something stupid every Halloween. She would switch to part-time work at the library and help raise it, and they would be a happy little married couple until Lena was so old her teeth fell out and she needed a walker to get around.
As if to remind her of Ethan's part in this, the phone rang. Lena silenced it.
Nan continued, "Sibyl would like you living here. She always wanted to protect you."
Lena cleared her throat, feeling a sweat break out over her body. Had Nan guessed?
"Protect you from things maybe you think you can handle, only you can't."
The phone rang. Lena turned it on and off without looking at the keypad.
"It's nice for me to have someone around who knew Sibyl," Nan continued. "Someone who loved her and -" she paused as the phone rang and Lena turned it off "- cared about her. Someone who knows how hard it is to have her gone." She paused again, but this time not for the phone. "You don't even look like her anymore."
Lena looked down at her hands. "I know."
"She would have hated that, Lee. She would have hated that more than anything else."
They both started to tear up for their own reasons, and when the phone rang for the hundredth time, Lena answered it just to break the spell.
"Lena," Frank Wallace barked. "Where the fuck have you been?"
She looked at the clock over the stove. She wasn't due at the station for another half hour.
Frank didn't wait for her response. "We've got a hostage situation at the station. Get your ass down here right now."
The phone slammed down in her ear.
Nan asked, "What?"
"There's a hostage situation," Lena said, putting the phone down on the table, fighting the urge to put her hand to her chest, where her heart was thumping so hard that she felt it in her neck. "At the station."