“I take that to mean it’s my turn?” She asks, shifting restlessly against me. This time there is trepidation in her tone. I pull her down beside me and settle us both on our backs.
“I want you to say as much or as little as you need to. We’ve talked about your mom and your past before, so I think I can understand where you were coming from. When I first saw the marks, I was surprised, and I acted out of fear. But I was never angry at you for what you were doing. I was afraid. The only thing I care about now is how to help you stop. I’ll do whatever it takes. Just tell me what I need to do because I can’t lose you, too. I can’t.”
Life is messy and unpredictable. It doesn’t deliver you a neatly wrapped package. Life hands out lessons that are hard to understand, difficult to endure, and many times downright tragic. It’s our job to take those lessons and turn them into a gift. If I’ve learned anything the last several weeks, it’s that there is always a gift. You just have to be willing to open your eyes and see it. It wasn’t until Tatum came into my life that I figured out my gift.
Losing Harper was the hardest thing I have ever experienced. She taught me how to grow and love, how to accept myself and what those around me had to offer. She showed me a simple side to love and life, and I’ll be forever grateful.
Though, as much as it pains me to say, if I hadn’t lost Harper I wouldn’t have Tatum.
Where Harper was simple and sweet, Tatum is a shooting star of fire and determination. She’s sassy and sharp, and she keeps me on my toes. She came barreling into my life in a ball of fire but just as quickly disappeared beyond the horizon. It wasn’t until she was gone that I realized I’ve been living in the dark. I wanted the brightness back.
I’m ready to fight with my life to get it.
“I meant what I said at the hotel,” Tatum replies, answering my request. “I can’t do it anymore. Not just mentally, like I know it’s bad for me. I mean, I tried to do it, and for the first time in four years, I was afraid of the pain. And I was ashamed of what you’d think.”
“You don’t have to be afraid of what I think. I’ll never think badly of you. But I want to understand. Can you explain it to me?”
Tatum lets out a slow, heavy breath. “It’s like, a desperation. You know about what happened last year with my mom. What I haven’t told you was that she’s been like that my entire life. Our house had a revolving door of drugs and men, and ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always felt so helpless. So out of control. I didn’t have any friends. I had no one to talk to, and I was all alone. I think, well I know, hurting myself was my way of regaining that control. I kept it a secret and that excited me. It made me feel like I had something nobody else knew about, and it was mine. It was something that couldn’t be taken away from me.”
We stare at one another, and my heart breaks for the pain this girl in front of me has been putting herself through, both physically and mentally.
“I don’t do it because I want to die,” she whispers.
“Do you think it’s less serious because of that?”
Tatum looks thoughtful, staring off over my shoulder while she contemplates her answer. “Actually, no. I think it’s just as serious. Usually, I try to be so careful, but I’ve had a couple slip ups when I was just so damn angry, and I’d cut too deep. It would scare the hell out of me, but I still couldn’t stop. I think I’ve been secretly waiting for someone to notice all along. I want to stop, Jacoby. I really do.”
“You’re not going to hurt yourself anymore? You give me your word?”
Her eyes dart away from mine and back over my shoulder. She sighs. “I know it’s not going to be easy. Over the last two weeks I’ve still had the urge, but nothing ever came from it. It’s a habit. A bad one, like smoking or something. I might slip up. I can’t promise I won’t, but I’m trying.”
I roll onto my side and over the top of Tatum, bracing myself on my forearms as to not crush her. Dropping my mouth to hers, I slant my lips and kiss her, slowly and deeply.
“That’s all I ask, Sweetheart. We’re in this together. Maybe we should set you up to talk to someone?”
She doesn’t break eye contact while she nods her head. I cup her cheek affectionately. My brave girl. “I was thinking that, too.”
I kiss her once more before sitting up and pulling her with me. “Oh, one more thing before we move on from this mess. Can I ask what you were doing at the gym today?”
I hate sounding like a jealous boyfriend. I trust Trey with my life, and I trust Tatum, too. We may have had some problems to work out, but that doesn’t mean I don’t trust her. But seeing her this morning has been nagging at me all day. What was so important she had to talk to Trey but not me?”
Tatum scooches towards the edge of the bed, dropping one leg to the floor while sliding the other beneath her. She bites her cuticle on her thumb. Is she nervous? My stomach plummets.
“Let me preface this by saying if I knew we’d end up here tonight, I would have waited to ask you. But I thought we still weren’t talking, and I needed answers so I went to Trey. I’m sorry if that’s weird.”
I reach out and pull her hand away from her delectable mouth. She turns her palm upward, and I thread our fingers together. “I understand. What did you need answers about?”
“I went by your house this morning,” she begins.
“You did?” I must have already been at the gym.
She nods slowly. “And when I got there, this blonde was just leaving.”
My body stiffens, and my hand convulses around hers. A blonde? Melissa? Oh, fuck. “Sweetheart, I didn’t have anyone over this morning,” I answer truthfully. Fuck, I just got her back. Please don’t let her pull away.
“I know,” she replies, her hazel eyes moving back and forth between mine. She must see what she’s looking for, because she blows out a breath before repeating, “I know.”
“Good. But I’m not following. Why did you go to Trey?”
“She left a note. It wasn’t signed. I didn’t have a clue who it was from, and she implied she was sleeping with you. So I went to Trey to see if it was true. I figured he’s your best friend so he would know.”
“She left a note. Did Trey tell you who it was from?” I ask, because if he didn’t, I’m going to set this straight right the fuck now. She has to know I wasn’t sleeping around on her. For the first time in two years, it hadn’t even crossed my mind.
“It’s okay, Jacoby. I, well, I believed Trey, which means I believe you. You don’t have to explain what some crazy chick was doing leaving notes in your front door,” she laughs, which makes me chuckle too.
“So what did you do with the note?” I ask between laughs. Tatum gives me the squinty eyes from hell, which causes me to laugh harder. “I’m sorry. I had to ask!”
“I threw it the fuck away. Why, you want to read it?” Her eyes are lit with fire, and I draw her to me and kiss the flames away.
“Hell no,” I whisper against her soft lips.
“That’s settled then. Let’s go make some phone calls before the clinic closes, and I’ll make us something to eat.”
A blinding smile graces her beautiful face, and my heart beats wildly in my chest. I’ll never tire of putting that smile there. That smile lights up the whole damn room.
“Sounds like a plan.”
Together, we walk hand in hand down the stairs, and the whole way down I can’t stop thinking that I’ve finally found my gift.
***
“Where are you taking me?” Tatum asks from beside me as we drive along the highway, chasing the horizon. We’re nearing dusk; as the sun floats below the end of the earth, the sky is painted in hues of yellow, gold, and periwinkle. My eyes are protected from the waning rays with a pair of shades, and as I glance over at Tatum, her own eyes are hidden but an eager smile lights up her face. She’s as breathtaking as the sunset before us.