Our clothes situation was bad. We had only the clothes on our back and a few items left from the boat owner. Our laundry situation was even worse. We had no detergent, so our clothes had begun to get ratty from washing them in salt water. Books though, now that was something we had coming out of our ass. There was something for everyone, even Gabby. Reading helped with the extreme boredom.
Noelle was about to burst. She had gotten so big that the clothes she wore just weeks ago wouldn’t fit around her belly anymore. We all waited on her hand and foot to make sure she didn’t stress herself into an early labor. The baby was due in a few weeks’ time and we were all nervous about it. I had passed my obstetrics class with an A, but only got to witness one live birth during my clinical time. It was expected that I would deliver the baby. Talk about pressure. The one thing I was sure of was that we weren’t set up to deliver a baby on the boat. I made a mental note to discuss a supply run with Seth first thing in the morning. Honestly, I chastised myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Adam and I fished daily. It was actually quite therapeutic. I hadn’t gotten over my aversion to fish, but it became the lesser of two evils, since the alternative was to starve. Daphne, on the other hand, lived like a queen. Gone were the days of dry kibble. We rowed out a bit so the current didn’t drag us too close to land and then cast out our lines. Sometimes it took hours just to get a nibble, and that was just fine with me. The boat, even as big as it was, had begun to feel cramped. We were essentially living in a floating prison.
“I’ve got one for you,” Adam told me. He looked so serious I had no idea what he was going to say. “What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? We better get some support before someone thinks we’re nuts!” I spit the water I’d been drinking all over him as I roared with laughter. It felt so good to laugh. The last month had been fraught with sadness and loss, and the temporary respite was something I really needed.
I wracked my brain for something to follow up with. “My turn! What kind of bee makes milk instead of honey?” He scrunched up his face like he was deep in thought. I let him think for a minute then delivered my witty punch line. “Boo-bees.” This was followed by another round of laughter from both of us.
We settled back into silence. Adam was staring off into the vast, empty water. I looked at him, I mean really looked at him. His sandy blond hair outlined his chiseled face with messy curls in desperate need of a trip to the barber. He had bright blue eyes the color of a Caribbean ocean, and dimples appeared whenever he smiled. His shirt lay in a crumpled heap on the bottom of the boat as he sunned his bare chest. The way he leaned back on the boat caused his abs to stick out in a perfect six-pack. The urge to reach out and touch his chest took me by surprise, and I shook my head to clear it. I gave myself a mental slap in the face and cleared my throat.
“Um, maybe we should head back. It’s getting late, and I want to check on Noelle.”
Adam looked at me sideways as if to say what are you, crazy? I looked away as my cheeks burned with shame and embarrassment. I was disgusted with myself. My husband was out there, possibly dead, possibly alive and fighting for his life, and I was drooling over another man’s abs. The contempt I felt for myself must have shown on my face.
“What’s wrong? Is everything okay?”
“Fine,” I muttered, and picked up the oars. Adam reached to take them from me and I snapped at him. “I’ve got it. I’m not useless.” My rudeness had hurt him, and I felt like even more of a jackass. “I’m sorry, I was just thinking about Jake. I miss him. I wish there was some way to find him. Or at least steer him in the right direction to find us.”
Adam bit his lip. I knew the group was walking on eggshells around me. They wanted me to accept that Jake had perished. I wouldn’t—couldn’t—accept that. Without hope I had nothing left to tie me to sanity. Sighing heavily, I gave him the nudge he needed to go for it. “Just say it, Adam.”
“Emma, I care about you. You’ve become a friend. As your friend, I need to tell you what you’re doing isn’t healthy. I know what it’s like to lose the most important person in your life. Fuck, we all do. We’re all struggling with our grief and getting through it the best we can. That’s the problem. You refuse to grieve. How can you heal if you’re in denial?”
“Jesus, Adam. What do you think? You think I haven’t watched all our friends lose loved ones? I get that you’re all grieving their deaths. Don’t you get it? You know they died, beyond a shadow of a doubt. But I’m just supposed to assume Jake is dead just because he isn’t here with me? Well I’m sorry. I can’t do that. I won’t give up on him. Not until I see it with my own eyes.”
Adam thrust out his hand, waving it at the zombies lining the sea wall. “How can you believe he’s alive when that’s what he’s up against? They don’t sleep; they don’t sit back and relax. They just wait. Wait for us to get within reach or slip up and make a mistake.”
“I believe, Adam, because I have to. I believe in my husband, and I won’t write him off for dead just because you think I should.” The small watercraft knocked against the hull of the Houseboat, and I left him sitting in the rowboat gawking at me as I stormed off. I slammed the bedroom door and felt the air rush from my lungs as I fell against the door. The knob jabbed into my back and I winced with pain. Daphne, who had been napping, now stood at the foot of the bed wagging her tail. Not even she could calm me down.
I stomped my feet on the floor like a petulant child and went into an ALL CAPS RAGE, spewing profanities and words I, myself, didn’t even understand. Then I threw myself dramatically onto the bed and cried. Emotionally exhausted, I fell asleep angry at Adam and angry at myself. This was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.
Chapter 20
All Dogs Do Not Go to Heaven
Noelle woke up the next morning with contractions. Finn pounded on my door like a maniac, repeatedly yelling it’s time. I groaned and dragged myself from the bed. Opening the door, I got socked in the face with Finn’s pounding fist. “Holy shit! I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… are you okay? oh my God… it’s… it’s… happening,” he blurted without taking a breath.
I had to laugh, even through the pain, because his craze hit my funny bone. I wiggled my nose around to make sure all the bones were intact and pushed him out of the way. He followed me like a lost puppy all the way to the master suite where I examined Noelle. Her contractions weren’t painful, and they weren’t getting closer together. “I don’t think this is it, guys. I think what you’re experiencing is Braxton Hicks contractions. Your body’s getting you ready for the real thing. Why don’t you play it safe and stay in bed today? I’ll check on you throughout the day, but if anything changes, I’ll just be topside.”
Still ashamed of my behavior the previous day, I avoided eye contact with Adam when I found the group waiting in the galley. I addressed them all. “We need to discuss Noelle’s situation. We don’t have the setup to deliver a baby here. I’m not talking a full-fledged labor and delivery room; we don’t even have basic tools to cut the umbilical cord.”
Seth eyed me suspiciously. “So what are you proposing?”
“We need to hit up a medical supply store. A hospital is out of the question. It would be a suicide trip. There’s too many things that could go wrong, even in the best of circumstances. We need things. Soap, gloves, a surgical blade, a blood pressure monitor, suture kit, just to name a few.”