“I fucked up, darlin’. That shit out there, it wasn’t right.” He sighs, resting his shoulder against the wall.
“It’s okay, Beau. Things were heated,” I agree, wanting him to know I’m not angry or scared like he thinks I am.
“It’s not okay. It’s not me, or more than that, it’s not how I want to be when it comes to you.” He runs his fingers through his beard and I want to tell him to piss off with his sexiness. But I can’t.
I can’t because I care for him, and I can see he’s struggling with all of this.
“I’m not sure what you want me to say, Beau,” I offer, just as lost as him. He kind of just left me hanging out there for me to process everything alone.
“I don’t want you to say anything. I don’t want you to think about any of this. It’s the last thing you need right now.”
“Well, it’s kind of hard not to when it exists between us. Has ever since I’ve been back,” I counter, still not sure exactly how to process all this.
Did his words stir something in me? A need I didn’t know I would or could want? Yes. But if I’m honest, it also frightened me a little. I mean I’m not some blushing virgin who doesn’t know her way around her body. Yeah, I haven’t been with anyone since Chad, but before I met Chad, I had a couple of partners, each one opening me up to a new experience. But what it sounds like Beau is into, is something entirely different.
“Yeah, I know and I didn’t mean to put it on you at all. I know you have your past, and I’m a fucking idiot for thinking it would be okay to lay it on you like that. This can’t happen.” I try not to be affected by his words, but I can’t help it. In the beginning, I was this person who wouldn’t even consider what he is offering, but I’ve been working so hard not to be that broken woman anymore.
“I don’t need to be handled with kid gloves, Beau. I’m not saying what you shared didn’t affect me, but I’m not cowering away from it.”
He doesn’t say anything for a while, and I worry it’s too late.
“I’m not trying to handle you in any way, Kenzie. Clearly, we’re both feeling this, whatever this is between us. Since you showed up at the clubhouse, it’s been there. But you came to me for help, darlin’. Not for me to introduce you to my kind of kink.”
I begin to argue, but he holds his hand up, stopping me before I even begin.
“No, let me just get this out. Now, I’m not gonna lie, you’ve come to mean something to me, darlin’, and as much as I want this, I’m not prepared to go there with you. You have your own shit to deal with. Chad and getting your life back on track. This thing between us now isn’t the right time. We need to focus on the other issues and keep our heads clear.”
I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.
I know he’s right. Now isn’t the time to be caught up in a relationship with Beau, regardless of how we both feel. It’s stupid to think I could handle anything right now, not with an unknown future that could come back to bite me at any time.
“You’re right, Beau. I agree,” I finally say, hating this for what it is.
“You do?” I don’t miss the change in his tone. I’m just not sure how to read it.
“Yeah. I think things are still fresh. It’s clouding our judgment. We should take a step back, focus on what’s important.”
We’re both old enough and wise enough to know this thing between us could end badly, with my past and his tastes. We shouldn’t mess anything up by forcing it.
“Well, shit. I wasn’t expecting you to agree.”
I laugh a little at his confession. Maybe an hour ago I would have argued for more, but sitting here now, I can see it. “Well, I don’t always like to push you,” I joke, hoping to break some of the bad tension still hanging around us.
“Could have fooled me.” He chuckles, the tension lifting a little.
“So we’re good. Tonight didn’t happen. We’ll just move forward and forget it.” Again.
“I think it’s for the best, darlin’.”
“Okay.” I force a smile and hope he doesn’t see through it. I honestly don’t think it’s possible to forget what happened tonight.
“Okay. Night.” He returns my smile then reaches for the door, preparing to leave. “Oh, and Mackenzie?”
“Yeah?”
“I’ll be needing my shirt back,” he adds before pulling the door closed and leaving me red-faced.
“Well, it’s this or the scandalous nightgown. You choose,” I yell back, not sure if he heard me. His laugh travels through the door, but it does nothing to bring us back to where we were before.
Shit, can I do this? Stay in this house with this man when I have these feelings and urges for him?
I want to say yes. I can move on, staying just friends and hope I stop thinking of him this way, but I’m not sure it’s possible.
It has to be, though. Beau is my friend. He came into my life for a reason, and that reason changed everything. I wouldn’t want to lose what friendship we had built. Not now. Not ever.
It’s going to be hard to push these feelings away, and maybe I’m not strong enough, but I have to try.
Only time will tell.
Past Mackenzie
“You’re doing good, darlin’, just a little longer.” The man who held me close to his chest for fifteen minutes in the back of a van keeps repeating his reassuring words.
“Hurts so bad.” I wince when he picks me up and then lowers me down to a sofa in a house, sending a sharp pain through my chest.
“I know, darlin’. We’re gonna have you looked at,” he tells me. His voice is deep and husky.
“What’s your name?” I ask, needing to know what to call him.
“Beau,” he answers instantly and it sets me at ease. He’s good-looking in a rough, biker kind of way. His dark hair is pulled back away from his face in a low ponytail. Blue eyes and tanned skin hidden by a beard covering most of his face.
I’ve never understood the fascination with men and long hair, I always just thought it was strange, but staring up at this stranger, I can see how it might be appealing to some.
“Beau, where are we?” I’m not sure if I can take much more of this pain. I need something. Anything.
“We’re at a safe house. There’s been a change in plans.”
“What? No. I was told we were heading out of town. I can’t stay here.” I start to fight as much as I can, but it doesn’t get me far. My muscles tire and my eyes drop as I begin to slip away.
“You can and you will. Trust me. You need a doctor. We can’t drop you off at the next stop until you’ve been checked out. Sy and I are going to take good care of you,” he promises, but I don’t know him or Sy. How can I trust he won’t send me back to the pits of my own personal hell?
“Hurts so bad, Beau,” I whisper again just as the darkness takes me.
“Darlin’, you with me?” Beau’s voice breaks through the heaviness around me and pulls me back.
“Yeah?” I manage past my lips. I open my eyes, fighting past the blurriness.
“How’re you holding up?” He’s sitting in a chair next to me, not touching me, but still somehow comforting me.
“Okay, how long have I been out?” I wheeze. My chest is still heavy, and my discomfort is increasing in waves. The small lulls giving me false hope of an end, do nothing to calm me.
“About thirty minutes.” He leans down and brushes some hair off my face.
Thirty minutes?
“We need to leave, Beau. He’s going to find me.” Panic threatens to overwhelm me knowing I’m still in town.
“No one is going to find you. This wasn’t in the plan, but we’re gonna work with what we have.” Beau tries to assure me, but it doesn’t help.
“You don’t know Chad as I do. He will find me. He did this because I tried to leave him.” I whisper.