Stopping to take a long swig of my drink, I’m thankful that I’m able to talk to about this with Xavier. He’s the only person besides my mom and sisters who has any idea about it, and while it’s been forever since it’s been brought up, I need to get this off my chest, no matter how much more it burns than any amount of whiskey ever could.
“I can’t go through that again, Xavier. I don’t know if I could come out on the other side unscathed.”
He shakes his head and looks at me in disbelief, as if it’s the craziest thing anyone’s ever said. “The two situations aren’t even comparable. I don’t know why you’re getting yourself so worked up over it. Things with you and Lucy are good, right?” I nod, and before I can say anything, he continues. “You can sit around and worry about this for the next six to seven months, Kale, but it’s not going to do you or Lucy any good. If you care about her, then you need to trust that she feels the same and that she’s not going to repeat any of the mistakes from your past. That doesn’t mean everything’s going to be easy, but you can’t spend the pregnancy looking over your shoulder or continuously expecting the ball to drop. It’s going to be stressful enough as it is.
“It’s been ten years, man. I’m not saying you’ve got to forget about it or anything, but you need to find a way to deal with your grief or else you’re never going to be able to move on completely. Trust me, I learned the hard way, and I almost fell back into Angela’s trap. If it weren’t for the fact that I have Lily to look out for, I might have. I took a step back and realized that I had to let go of the past or I was never going to be able to move to the future. Sure, I’m not hopping around hoping to find a new mother for Lily any time soon, but I’m more open to it than I was a year ago. If you want this to work with Lucy, you’ve got to work through your shit.”
His words are piercing, and although I know he’s probably right, I’m just not sure how I’m supposed to just let it go when I’ve buried it so deep. Maybe if I’d properly grieved back then, I wouldn’t be dealing with this now, but at the time, there was no way I was in a place to even begin to understand how to start the healing process.
Maybe Xavier’s right. I have a second chance at a family, and I couldn’t be happier. It’s unfair to Lucy—and to Sprout—if I don’t go into this wholeheartedly, and I decide then and there that I owe them more than just part of me. As hard as it’s going to be, I do need to let it all out, to finally grieve once and for all.
“Thanks, man. I know you’re right. It’s just been so long, and I never expected to have it all come up again, you know? I guess I thought I’d locked it away, but I tell you, when I saw him on the screen, the reality of it hit me, and I guess I panicked. I’ll deal with it. We don’t have another appointment for eight weeks. I don’t want to feel like this again or have Lucy see me this way.”
Xavier finishes his drink and signals the bartender for the tab. When he turns back to me, his eyebrows are raised. “Let me guess. Lucy has no freaking clue about any of this, does she?”
I grimace, knowing that I’m about to get another lecture, and even though Xavier’s obviously ready to leave, I motion for one last shot to down quickly before he can load me into a cab and send me on my way. I know what I have to do tonight, and at the same time, I know there’s no way I’m going to get through it without a little liquid courage pumping through my veins. When I look at him, I try to pretend that I don’t see the disappointment on his face.
“Look, I’m going to tell her. I swear to it. But dammit, Z, a month ago she wasn’t even my girlfriend. When was I supposed to tell her my sob story? Before or after we were done fooling around? It wasn’t exactly pillow talk and our relationship wasn’t like that. She was just Lucy. My best friend. She didn’t need to know.”
Xavier starts laughing at me, and I try to ignore him as I take the shot once it’s set in front of me.
“What the hell’s so funny?”
“You, man. I swear to Christ, you have a funny definition of best friends. Do you have any idea how many times since last summer Lily’s asked me when Ms. Lucy and Uncle Kale are going to get married? You may have done a good job keeping it hidden from everyone else, but when you were around us, even my eight-year-old knew you two were made for each other. Not to mention, even if you were just ‘best friends,’” he says, and I scowl at his use of finger quotations, “isn’t that the kind of thing best friends share? Who better to talk to about that shit than your best friend? Someone who knows you better than anyone else and won’t judge you no matter what? Someone who’ll be your shoulder to cry, who you can lean on for support? Isn’t Lucy that person for you?”
“No, she’s not. She’s so much more than that, and that’s why I couldn’t tell her. I didn’t want her sympathy, and I didn’t want to bring a black cloud over what we had. If I’d opened up about all that, I’d have been in the permanent friend zone, and as far as she’s concerned, that’s a place I’ve wanted to avoid since the moment I realized I had true feelings for her. She wouldn’t have looked at me the same. I know it. Instead, I just stayed fun, playful, carefree, the-world-is-sunshine Kale Montgomery. She didn’t need to know about what happened before.”
Sighing, he stands up and gives me a knowing look. “I don’t think you’re giving Lucy, or yourself, enough credit. She can handle it, and knowing what I do of her, she’ll be with you every step of the way while you grieve—if, and only if, you’ll let her. It may not have seemed appropriate before, but Kale, this is something you can’t keep from her, and the longer you wait, the harder the fall’s going to be when it all comes out.” He grabs my shoulder and gives it a squeeze. “That being said, I love you, man, and I’m here for you whenever you need me. Day or night, okay?”
As much as I love my sisters, I grew up asking the Lord for a brother to help combat all the estrogen around me, but Mom claimed she was done having kids and I was shit out of luck. Those prayers were finally answered the day I met Xavier Cruz, and I’ve been blessed with his friendship, his brotherhood ever since.
“I know. Thanks, man. It means a lot. And don’t worry. I’ll get my shit sorted. Once I do, I’ll talk with Lucy. I appreciate ya talking some sense into me. Hey, not to change the subject or anything, but Mom wanted me to let you know you guys are more than welcome to come down to Christmas this year. She loved having you all there last year and wanted to extend the invitation again. She’s always had a soft spot for you. Sometimes I think she’d rather have you be her son,” I joke, happy to lighten the mood.
Xavier’s been going home to Alabama with me whenever he could, and his mom and mine became fast friends all those years ago at our boot camp graduation. Both of our moms are single parents, and our families just kind of blended at the time. The twins have loved Lily since she was a baby, and they even made special trips up to visit her when Xavier’s been away. Although, Kalli’s also made sure to visit when he’s home, but I figure that’s just her trying to feed her childhood crush on him. As far as I know, he’s never given her the time of day, but my sister’s nothing if not persistent. Unfortunately for her, he was pining after Angela, Lily’s mom, for the longest time and wouldn’t ever look at another woman, and I think she finally got the hint. I wonder, though, now that Angela’s long gone, if he’d ever look at Kalli as anything other than a sister, but I shake the thought out of my head, knowing that those two would never be compatible.