Swooping up the box, I take it out to the living room and I set it down on the coffee table along with the bottle of liquor. I lean back against the couch, staring at it, wondering if I can really do this. Before I can bring myself to open it, I stand up quickly and stagger towards the kitchen, where I protectively place the sonogram with Lucy’s note. This… This right here is my future, and I want it in a safe place while I exorcise the demons of my past.
When I settle back in on the couch, I stare at the box again, finally willing myself to open it, but only after I down a little more liquid courage. My brain’s beginning to swim, but I don’t care. It’s the only way I can bring myself to do this.
My fingers tremble as I lift the lid, and I hold my breath almost as if I’m expecting some magical genie to float out. If only. I could use a few wishes right about now. With a deep breath, I close my eyes and reach in, feeling the contents of the box blindly. My fingers come into contact with a soft material, and I open my eyes as I slowly lift a foreign yet familiar blue blanket out of the box. Closing my eyes once again, I bring the fabric to my face, inhaling the sweet baby powder scent Mom shook on it for good luck. Hot tears prick my eyes, and I have to set the blanket down to maintain my composure.
My hands are shaking as I reach in and begin to pull out items that have been locked away for nearly ten years in the box far from my mind, even further from my heart. I feel my fingers wrap around soft, plush material and I wince when I see the teddy bear I bought at the gift shop before heading home to see my family that fateful day all those years ago. The memory of my excitement at finding the stuffed animal with a t-shirt claiming that the baby’s dad is in the Army rushes through me, and even though the material has since faded, I’m finding that the pain has not, even though I haven’t allowed myself to feel it for the longest time.
As I remove various items, the memories come flooding back in, like some proverbial dam has broken, and instead of a trickling effect, they rush in my mind violently and relentlessly with overwhelming currents ready knock over even the strongest pillar. It isn’t that I’ve forgotten everything—I haven’t. But I pushed it down so far, and like I told Xavier, I threw myself into helping with Lily, into my career, and I did everything in my power to keep the pain from consuming me. And I was doing a pretty damn good job. Until now.
My breath catches at the small, black velvet box I never thought I’d see again. It’s a symbol of the best day of my life and a reminder of the worst. Dropping it on the coffee table, I stare at it, wondering why I ever wanted to keep it. I grab the bourbon and press the bottle to my lips, tipping my head back so that the cool liquid slides down my throat. The contrast of cold and warm makes my chest heavy, and my mind starts to get fuzzy as I set the bottle back down, satisfied that it’s doing its job to numb my pain.
Somehow I gather up the courage to pick up the box again, my thumb fingering the opening. Slowly, I slide the top up and it pops open. A small gold ring with a tiny solitaire diamond sits inside, so tiny I can barely see it in the dark. Picking it up, I pull it closer to my eyes and squint, almost laughing at the size of it. My foggy brain vaguely recalls the day I was in that pawn shop, a scared-as-hell but still-proud nineteen-year-old boy who thought he was ready to take on marriage, fatherhood. I close the box, shaking my head at what a fucking fool that boy was.
Sighing heavily, I set it aside and return to the memory box, scraping the bottom until I find the last item, more than ready to pack it all up and return it to the closet, never to be seen again. My hearts begins racing wildly when I pull out a sonogram, one that’s almost identical to the one in the kitchen, but when I blink twice and squint to look at the date, I see that it’s ten years past.
As much as I try to remain calm, this is the last straw, and I can’t do this. I just fucking can’t. A gut-wrenching sob tears through me, and I feel the impending breakdown coming on. The sonogram falls from my hands, fluttering down to the floor and out of my sight. Without thinking, I grab the blanket I discarded and lean back against the couch, bringing it up to my face again, that damn scent over taking over all other senses. Closing my eyes, I’m transported back ten years to what should’ve been one of the best days of my life, but instead, it was the end of everything I ever knew and everything I ever wanted.
October 2003
Kale
TAPPING MY knee nervously, I’m waiting for the flight to land. I’ve been away for far too long and I’m so anxious to see my fiancée, Tara. I just spent the last couple of months getting my ass kicked in boot camp, and I can’t wait to give my loved ones hugs. I joined the Army specifically so I could provide for my growing family, and I can’t wait to finally settle down to be a husband and a father.
I try not to run to baggage claim, excited to see Tara, Mom, and my sisters. When I leave the concourse, Mom, Kalli, and Kaylie all greet me with big hugs, and I feel just like a hometown hero. They make a big fuss, not used to my clean-shaven hair and neat appearance. Mom leaves to go pull the car around, and I try to answer all of Kalli’s incessant questions. Suddenly I’m aware that something’s missing. Glancing around, I look for Tara but don’t see her anywhere.
“Kall, where’s Tara?” I ask, wondering why my pregnant fiancée isn’t here to greet me. My stomach plummets, already knowing something’s wrong. She fidgets, looking at the ground, not answering me. “Kalliope Alexandra Montgomery. Answer me. Where the hell is she?” I ask, and she flinches at my use of her full name.
Her lip quivers and tears well in her eyes, freaking me the fuck out. Kaylie steps in front of her protectively and reaches her arm out, but then she pulls it back as if she’s afraid to touch me. She looks from me to Kalli, and unlike her twin, she’s wearing a mask. I can’t read her.
“Kale, let’s get your luggage, and then we’ll talk.” I begin to protest, but she jerks her head at Kalli, who’s biting her lip, on the verge of tears.
While my heart’s beating so wildly it’s about to burst out of my chest, the last thing I want is to cause a scene in the airport. We stand there in complete silence and watch as the bags go round and round until I finally see my shit. Nearly knocking over a middle-aged woman to get to my bags, I mumble an apology before quickly getting back to my sisters, where I see that Kaylie’s gotten a luggage cart for me even though I know I’m strong enough to carry them myself.
“Kale, put your bags on the cart,” she orders me, and I do as she asks, but not before I reach into one of the bags and pull out the small memento I brought for the baby. She gives me a small smile of appreciation before turning to Kalli. “Take the bags to Mom’s car. Tell her I’m taking Kale with me and we’ll be home later, okay?”
Kalli starts to protest, but Kaylie shuts her up with one single glare. She starts to wheel the cart away then stops abruptly. Turning around, Kalli runs back to me and throws her arms around me.
“I’m so glad you’re home big brother. I’ve missed you so much. And I love you. No matter what. Always have, always will,” she whispers. It’s the sentiment that’s been a family saying since we were kids.
Leaning down, I place a kiss on the top of her head. “Love you, Kalliope.”
She gives me a soft smile and then looks at Kaylie with sad eyes. We watch in silence as she walks through the glass doors, taking my gear with her. It’s not until she’s out of sight that I turn towards the remaining twin. I have no idea what the fuck is going on, but I’m not an idiot and I know something’s wrong. Tara should be here. I’m trying to tell myself she just couldn’t get off work, but even that excuse sounds lame in my head.