It saddened me that I was never going to be able to finish school.
Even more, I missed Amy. My only friend.
Seated uncomfortably on my little silver pail, reflecting on my past, present and future, I almost didn’t hear the doorknob turn. Alarmed, my eyes widened as I watched the door move open slowly.
Keanu!
Excitement rushed through me as I realized how close I was to getting out of here.
I had a silly grin of achievement already planted on my face. I hoped he’d be proud of me for sedating the guard and following his letter loyally. I even ripped it up into tiny pieces and flushed it just as he’d asked, even though it broke my heart to do so.
As the door swung open, however, I was met with a pair of startled eyes.
“What are you doing in here?!”
Like a frightened child cowering in the darkness, face to face with the shadows that dwelt in the corners, I buried my face in my hands and cried tears of fear.
I’d been caught.
They were going to come and drag me back to my cell, allow me to complete my pregnancy, tear her from me—then kill me.
I’d failed her.
“What are you doing in here?!” The cleaning lady hissed again. “If they catch you in here…well…”
Glancing once down both directions of the hallway, she walked into the closet and shut the door behind her. Weeping, I tried to be quiet. She probably had no choice but to call security.
My hopes of freedom faded away like the scent of flowers on a breeze.
“Don’t cry. I’m not going to tell on ya.” Kneeling before me and pulling a tissue from inside the cuff of her sleeve, she handed it to me and patted me on the shoulder. Shocked, my head snapped up instantly.
“You…you’re not going to…tell on me?” I’m sure she could have told me she had a rabbit in her shirt and I wouldn’t have been as surprised.
“No. I’ve seen what they do to people here; I’d rather see you get away.” Her voice softened as she looked me in the eye. Sadness clouded over her eyes as she continued. “That little girl… the one you wanted to know about…”
“Jessica? Is she…?” I couldn’t finish my sentence without a knot tightening in my throat. “…okay?”
The look in the woman’s eyes read like a book, Jessica was dead. I just knew.
“How?” I asked as fresh tears surfaced in my eyes.
“They believed she was immune to everything…she wasn’t.” Closing her eyes and sighing, she continued. “They injected her with…a virus. One that they made themselves. She was dead within an hour. It was horrible.”
Stifling a sob with my hand, I cursed the men who had done this to her. If they were willing to do that to Jessica, what were they going to do to my baby?
“What do they want with me?” I queries through tears.
Shrugging, she seemed to be contemplating her words carefully. “They only ever want one thing…control. They don’t know what you are or where you came from, that makes you a threat.”
“Why?!” I asked, bewildered.
“If they didn’t make you this way, they want to know who or what did. For all they know, you could be some kind of secret weapon or Russian-made super soldier. That’s the way they think.” She shook her head. “I’ve worked here twenty-five years. Seen a lot of horrible things.”
Wide-eyed as I listened to her, I realized the gravity of the situation.
“Do you have a plan to get out of here?” The woman asked suddenly, leaning toward me.
Shaking my head, I didn’t want to divulge anything about Keanu. I trusted her but, just in case; it was safer to keep quiet, for her own safety as well as Keanu’s.
“Okay, the best way to get out of the building is through the big steel door just north of here. It will take you to an underground parking lot.” Staring me seriously in the eye as she explained, she stopped and sighed heavily. “Just…follow me. I’ll get you out of here.” She stood up and brushed her pants with her hands.
My mind veered a million directions at once. Should I trust this perfect stranger, abandon my plans with Keanu and attempt an escape with the cleaning woman? My heart pulsed ridiculously fast, nearly without pause between beats.
This might be my chance. Regardless of who gets me out, it’s only important that I escape. Fate is fate, right? If I’m meant to die this way, it will happen no matter who helps me.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried to force my intuition to assist me. Begging the universe to show me the way, I prayed for the second time in my life.
What should I do?
“Are you coming?” The cleaning woman asked, her lips pursed in concentration as she held the door slightly ajar and peeked into the crack. Before I could answer, she jumped back and hissed. “Hide! Someone’s coming!”
Clambering to hide within the small closet, I managed to wedge myself into a dark corner in the back. A large yellow bucket on wheels with a mop extending out sat beside me. Like divine providence had intervened and placed it there, I pulled the trolley in front of me, shielding me perfectly.
Sitting absolutely still, I could hear the cleaning woman shuffling around looking for her own hiding spot.
Then, for a just a moment, there was pure silence.
Holding my breath, I distinctly heard footsteps nearing our location.
Tears welled in my eyes as I imagined the horrors that awaited me if I were caught.
What will they do to me? My baby?
Stifling a sob as I cowered in the dark corner, I wished in some small way that I’d just taken my life like I had planned. This nightmare would be a distant memory. No more pain, suffering and degradation.
Peace.
My baby and I would have gone to another place. Another dimension maybe, existing only to love one another.
In the Hopi beliefs, souls ascended into a perfect spirit world, death was only a transition to a higher realm. Later, if the spirit so chooses, they can return to earth, beginning once again, as a baby.
There was no shame in suicide, especially if one was sacrificing themselves for the greater good. My baby was worth that, she was the greater good.
But no, I had to try and live on. What on earth was I thinking? Even if I got away, what kind of life could we expect to live? I couldn’t even go home to the reservation in Sedona. We’d constantly be on the run. Never allowed to stop and enjoy life, we’d be forced to conceal our true identities and hide for the rest of our natural lives.
I should have ended it all when I had the chance.
Bitterness fought its way to the surface of my soul. I hated this. All of this. I hated myself for things I couldn’t control and didn’t understand. I hated my mother and father, whoever the hell they were, for creating me and then leaving me to dwell in a world that was obviously not my own.
Interrupting my dark thoughts, I was suddenly alarmed as the door handle began to turn. So preoccupied with my internal loathing, I neglected to hear the tapping of the shoes come to halt…right in front of the closet door.
A low metallic grind pierced the quiet of the tiny room as the doorknob twisted ominously. Our entire fate, all three of us hiding in the closet, now depended on whoever was on the other side of that door.
I didn’t dare even take a breath. I didn’t even want to look. Closing my eyes tight, I let my mind drift like I had been taught by the medicine woman when I was a child.