When dinner was ready, we transferred the food into serving bowls and carried them to the dining room. Hayden sat to my right, with his arm around the back of my chair throughout dinner. Every so often he leaned in to kiss my temple or play with a lock of my hair and tell me how glad he was that I was with him.
After the main course, the plates were cleared. New dishes were brought out in preparation for dessert. Since no one was ready for it yet, we relaxed in our chairs, blissed out in a turkey coma. Everyone was sipping drinks except for Hayden, who had switched to soda water. Conversation was easy, and while I was quiet, it wasn’t because I was stuck in the past. I loved listening to this new family I’d become part of.
After a while Hayden and Jamie started asking about dessert, so I brought it out while Cassie poured coffees.
“What’s going on? I thought you brought cupcakes,” Hayden said as I set the dessert platter on the table.
“They are cupcakes.”
“Really? All incognito, huh?” He inspected the wreath. White-chocolate leaves covered the layer of fluffy buttercream icing, and fresh-cut strawberries adorned the top for a splash of color.
“It’s almost too pretty to eat,” Cassie said.
“Almost,” Hayden agreed, and took the first one. “But not quite.”
He didn’t bother to wait for everyone else before he peeled away the wrapper and shoved half of it in his mouth. Only when he was eating cupcakes did his table manners disappear. “Is this angel food cake?” he asked between bites.
“I thought it would be lighter. Did they turn out okay?”
He groaned an affirmative and helped himself to seconds. I peeled the wrapper from my own and began slowly disassembling the cake: eating the berries first, followed by the white-chocolate leaves, then finally the icing-covered cake. Hayden pulled me closer, until I was almost in his lap. He reached over and helped himself to a third.
“You don’t have to make yourself sick. There are extras at my apartment.”
“Good to know.” He tucked my hair behind my ear and leaned in to whisper, “Watching you eat cupcakes is better than porn.”
“You think so?” I batted my eyelashes at him, then sucked icing off my finger.
His hand disappeared below the tablecloth and he shifted in his chair. His nose brushed my cheek. “Much better. Infinitely better.”
“It’s a dinner table, not a bedroom. Put your hands where I can see them, Stryker,” Jamie said.
At the round of snickering, my cheeks warmed. Hayden’s hand reappeared, his middle finger directed at Jamie, but his hand stayed above the table after that.
Lisa asked, “Anyone have any ideas for New Year’s? We need a plan.”
Hayden had mentioned New Year’s once in passing, but hadn’t brought it up again. For me, it was yet another holiday I would be celebrating without my family.
“I thought we were going to chill this year.” He stroked his thumb along my bare shoulder.
“That’s one option,” Lisa said. “Are you offering to host?”
Hayden snorted. “I only have one spare bedroom.”
“That’s all you need. Chris and Sarah can stumble across the street,” Jamie pointed out.
“Forget Hayden’s. I say we hop a plane to Vegas for the weekend,” Chris cut in.
Sarah rolled her eyes. “Only you would suggest something like that.”
“He’s had worse ideas,” Lisa said. “Maybe Jamie and I could get hitched while we’re at it! It would save me from this business of planning a wedding.”
Good-natured laughter followed.
I felt Hayden’s arm tighten around my shoulder. His lips moved against my temple, but whatever the words were, I didn’t hear them. My mind was stuck, skipping like a record. The static in my head became a screaming siren, drowning out everything else.
I couldn’t feel my body as I lifted my wineglass to my lips. I tipped it back; the cool liquid tasted like vinegar as I drained the glass. The world went out of focus as panic took over. I knew it wasn’t rational. People got on planes every day and made it to their destinations without so much as a blip of turbulence.
“Tenley?” Hayden’s hand was on the back of my neck, fingers kneading gently. “Are you okay?” He sounded so far away, as if he were talking to me from underwater.
“Excuse me for a moment,” I said, finding it hard to breathe. I pushed my chair back. “I just need to use the bathroom.” I prayed he’d let me go before I cracked and wrecked the evening.
I placed my napkin on the table and headed for the closest powder room, then locked myself in before my legs gave out.
I sank to the floor, working to push through the panic. I wanted to turn back time. To have a normal reaction to an impromptu trip to Vegas. To be excited. But I couldn’t be. Blinding panic radiated through me, seizing my chest.
I squeezed my eyes shut and clutched the cupcake charm, wishing it had the power to prevent me from breaking down. The memories came anyway—vivid and violent. They began and ended with Connor’s shattered face and broken body. Always. Here I was, on Christmas Eve, barely a year after the crash, celebrating the holiday with someone else. Someone I loved infinitely more. I felt as if I were wronging Connor in some way.
I lurched forward, grasping the edge of the toilet as dinner reappeared. My eyes teared as I heaved again. When it was finally over, I braced myself on the edge of the vanity. I ran my hands under the cold water and pressed my palms against my neck. I needed to get it together. I didn’t want Hayden to see me falling apart like this.
With my stomach no longer revolting, I reached into the pocket in my dress. I debated whether I had the strength to make it through the rest of the evening without the pills. But I couldn’t risk another panic attack. The doorknob rattled, and I almost dropped them in the sink.
“Tenley? Can I come in?” Hayden asked from the other side, concerned.
“I need a second.” I popped the pills, then cupped my hand under the tap and washed down the chemical taste.
As soon as I unlocked the door, Hayden came in and closed it behind him. He pulled me into his arms. “I’m so sorry. Lisa wasn’t thinking.”
“It’s fine. I just needed a minute.” I sighed into his chest, letting the salve of his touch ease the ache.
“A minute?” He rubbed slow circles on my back, lulling me to semi-calm. “You’ve been in here for almost twenty. I knocked a couple of times but you didn’t answer, so I figured you needed space. Then I got worried.”
I thought I’d only been in the bathroom a short time. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t expect that. Just the idea of getting on a plane—”
“It’s okay. Don’t think about it. You’re all right.” His hands settled on my waist and he lifted me easily onto the vanity.
Once I was sitting, I realized how much I had been relying on him to keep me upright. I was still shaking. “I’ll never be able to fly again.”
“It’s only been a year. You can’t know that for sure.” His palms moved down my arms, and he clasped my hands in his.
“You don’t understand.” I shook my head, all the words stuck.
“Chris meant it as a joke, and Lisa doesn’t want to get married next week. And even if we did go to Vegas at some point, we could make a road trip out of it. Take as long as we want to get there.”
The warm buffer of medication had yet to set in, allowing fear to spill over. Joke or not, so much about the situation was too hard to manage.
“Tenley?”
Lost in my fears, I wrapped his tie around my hand, staring at the pin-up girl as she slipped over my fist. “What if Lisa’s serious?”