“What’s the point of this?” Cato scoffs, unimpressed.
“Soldiers of Mediah normally use the Iluxor to channel their worst memories and, by extension, their biggest fears,” Adamek explains. “It’s widely believed that, by replaying these memories over and over, you eventually become immune to them. You can theoretically overcome all of your fears, making you a better warrior, able to fight independently of fear. Your Commanders have asked me to familiarize you with this technique, so that when the time comes, you will be ready.”
“This is ridiculous,” Cato huffs.
Nazirah agrees. She might expect this of Gloom and Doom, but of her brother? She can’t believe Niko actually sanctioned Adamek teaching them Medi war techniques! And why? So they could become fearless killers in battle? They are already walking the fine line between Medi and rebel.
Nazirah looks apprehensively at the case. She knows exactly what her worst memory is.
“Now,” Adamek says, as though reading Nazirah’s mind, “since none of you have ever been exposed to something like this before, you won’t see any heavily fear-driven memories today. And because this is obviously extremely personal, I’ll be assisting recruits individually.” Adamek lifts up the briefcase and begins calling them forward alphabetically from memory. “Adams.”
A scrawny boy to Nazirah’s left gets up hesitantly and follows Adamek out the door. Once they are gone, the class bursts into intense conversation.
“Can you believe this?” Cato rants. “It’s like the commanders want us to think like the Medis! Aren’t we supposed to be against their twisted logic?”
“But Cato,” Aneira responds, unusually passionate, “how can we expect to fight them, if we don’t know how they operate? We have to be as strong, as fearless, as they are. Or else we’ll never win!”
They launch into a heated discussion, which Nazirah immediately tunes out. Talk of bad memories and overcoming fears has led Nazirah to a place she doesn’t want to go, a place she’s spent weeks trying to avoid. And now she’s being forced there. With Adamek Morgen, yet again, as her teacher.
Cato notices her silence. “How are you handling this, Irri?”
“I’ll be fine Cato, don’t worry,” Nazirah reassures him. “I can handle myself.” Nazirah smiles encouragingly at Lumi, but she appears lost in her own thoughts. At least Nazirah isn’t alone in not wanting Adamek to mess with her head.
He returns barely a minute later, alone. “Caal.”
Cato rises from his seat. He gives Nazirah’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze and follows Adamek out the door. Nazirah wonders what his memory will be. Will Cato think about his family? About how he left his little sister and older brother behind in Rafu, when they came here to start this new, hopefully not final, chapter of their lives?
More names are called and Nazirah’s classmates dwindle. What waits for her in the Iluxor? Nazirah is torn between wanting to see her parents and wanting to see nothing at all. And she isn’t the only one. Most of her remaining classmates also appear frightened and nervous. Adamek enters the room after calling Ansel Mays and Nazirah knows she’s next.
“Nation.”
Nazirah is already off her chair. She follows him into an empty classroom. Adamek shuts the door behind them. He motions for her to take a seat in one of the wooden chairs in front. As she sits, Nazirah notices it’s drizzling outside. The window is cracked open and a cool breeze gently blows in. Nazirah shivers lightly. Adamek sits across from her. He has long sleeves on today. Nazirah hasn’t been alone with him since they fought in the library, since before Lumi’s confession. She stares at the desk, unbidden thoughts of the two of them together. He takes in her odd behavior, but says nothing.
“How short are these memories?” she asks. “It seems like recruits have been going in and out so quickly.”
He fills up two syringes with serum, each a quarter full. “Time works differently under the Iluxor,” he says. “What feels like hours in your mind can translate as a few minutes in reality. It all depends on the individual, on the memory.”
“Can I choose the memory I want?”
“It’s possible,” Adamek says, “but it’s not something you would know how to do yet. Only someone with years of experience could lead you through it.”
Adamek reaches into his pocket, takes out an elastic strap. He ties it gently around Nazirah’s upper arm. Nazirah squirms in her seat, cringing as Adamek injects her. Adamek unties the elastic and tosses it onto the table. He then unceremoniously injects himself with the remaining syringe.
“What are you doing?” she asks warily.
Adamek disposes the used needles in a nearby closed container. He grabs the Iluxor from the desk and sets it carefully in Nazirah’s lap. “A curious girl like you should have figured this out by now,” he says.
Nazirah is shocked. “You’re going in my head with me?”
“This isn’t something a beginner does alone.”
“This isn’t happening!”
Adamek’s eyes sparkle playfully. “Trust me.”
Trust him?
Is he kidding?
“Maybe in your next life,” Nazirah scoffs. But she really just wants to get this over with. She reaches out to place a hand on the Iluxor, remembering Adamek mentioning something about sensory vibrations. Adamek catches it, stopping her. Nazirah pulls her hand away quickly. “What?” she asks.
“I have to clear it first,” he says. “Or else it would be Ansel Mays’s memory that we’re seeing. And I’m not interested in watching him fumble through losing his virginity again.”
Nazirah flushes, not wanting to see that either. Adamek touches a small corner of the glass. The Iluxor shines brightly before turning transparent. “It stores memories?” she asks. “That’s such an invasion of privacy.”
“It doesn’t store memories.” He sighs, grabbing her hand and placing it on top of the Iluxor. “It has vibrational memory, meaning that the last thing it channels is kept at a certain frequency in the machine, until erased. That’s just how it works.”
“Fine, so it stores a memory,” Nazirah mutters, trying to ignore Adamek’s hand over hers. “It’s still an imposition on a person’s most private secrets. Especially with someone else watching.”
Adamek places his hand on the surface of the Iluxor as well. Nazirah watches, transfixed, as the glass cube under their fingers begins filling with glittering white mist. There is an impish spark in his eyes. “Have secrets to hide, do we?”
Nazirah thinks of Adamek and Lumi, of his strange tattoos, of how she still doesn’t know anything about him or his motives. “I’m not the only one.”
He touches the corner of the glass once more with his free hand. “No,” he says quietly. “You’re not.”
#
The white cliffs of Rafu greet her first.
They wave, smiling hello to an old friend they haven’t seen in months. Nazirah’s hair whips violently around her face as her senses imbibe the salty smell of the sea. The air is fat off grass and sunshine, the rays like warm velvet upon her skin. A cliff drops off a few yards ahead. The cerulean and emerald Eridian lagoons glitter below, waiting patiently.
Nazirah wears the same clothes as in class, except now she is barefoot. She can feel the prickly grass under her feet. Adamek stands next to her. Nazirah finds that their hands are intertwined. He stares at their hands and then releases her. “What is it with you and bare feet?” he asks, voice slightly distorted.
Nazirah looks down, realizing he still has shoes on. She finds this inappropriately hilarious. Her laughter echoes strangely, like she is at the bottom of a well.
Nazirah hears voices behind her in the distance and instantly knows what memory this is. She sees a slightly younger version of herself running up the cliff towards them, Cato trailing not far behind. Nazirah wants to ask Adamek how she can see herself, if this is her memory, but she doesn’t question the Medi science.
She is fifteen again.
Nazirah looks younger here, but not by much. Her hair is slightly shorter, just as unruly, and bleached heavily from the intense sunlight. Her chest is flatter, hips narrower, body tanner from lying on the beach all day. Her smile is as bright as the sun above her, unburdened by the troubles she carries now. Even though her father has been ill for months and her family is struggling to survive, this Nazirah is filled with youthful optimism she never imagines will be ripped from her. This is the carefree girl of her past.