This is Irri.
“Cato, come on!”
Irri steps a few feet in front of Nazirah, looking over her shoulder, waiting for Cato to catch up. Nazirah wonders if she really sounds like that. She takes in her former self’s choice of white shorts and ratty tank top. She practically lived in that shirt all summer.
Cato comes into view behind Irri, slightly out of breath. Nazirah is startled by how much he has grown up in the past three years. He looks like a little boy here, at sixteen. Nazirah will definitely tease him about that later.
“Irri, this is such a bad idea,” Cato says, but his smile tells her otherwise.
Irri walks forward a little farther. She stops at the edge of the cliff, which juts out almost a hundred feet above the lagoon. Irri peers down, then glances back at Cato excitedly. “A bad idea is just a good idea done wrong.”
“Irri …” Cato warns.
Irri backs away from the edge. She gently takes his hands. “Trust me?”
Nazirah remembers several weeks ago, when she purposely asked Cato that again by the swings. And then, just before, Adamek said the same thing to her. She looks at him curiously, but he’s focused on the scene before them.
Is it a coincidence?
“You know I do.”
“Then don’t be such a coward,” Irri says mischievously. Without further pretense, Irri strips off her tank top, exposing a deep navy bra below. She tosses the shirt on the grass casually and unbuttons her shorts. Irri turns away from Cato, not giving him another thought.
Nazirah is mortified. Did she really do that? She would never undress like that in front of Cato now! Nazirah doesn’t dare peep at Adamek again. Cato looks at Irri longingly, clearly conflicted. Nazirah’s heart drops into her stomach. They started this far back, his feelings for her? She wishes more than ever that Adamek wasn’t here to see this. This moment isn’t for him.
Irri kicks off her shorts, revealing mismatched underwear underneath. She walks back to the edge of the cliff. Cato, fears alleviated, smiles widely and pulls off his shirt. He comes up beside her. “This is crazy,” he says.
Irri entwines their hands. She and Cato stare into the serene waters below, then share a significant look. Nazirah knows exactly what Irri will say next. She mouths the words along with her, a single tear rolling down her cheek.
“No,” they say. “This is beautiful.”
Chapter Ten
The memory fades away.
Nazirah finds herself sitting in the drafty classroom once again, gasping. She forces herself to take deep gulps of air. She looks up, notices Adamek watching her. There is an emotion behind his eyes she cannot place. But Nazirah isn’t focusing on that. She can’t stop thinking of that memory, of that indescribable rush, of that feeling.
“Can we do it again?” she whispers.
Adamek shakes his head, not taking his eyes off her. He lifts the glass cube from Nazirah’s lap, placing it on the desk beside them. “Like I said … Medi soldiers use the Iluxor to face their worst fears and move past them. But it’s more popularly used recreationally throughout Mediah. Medis use it to escape reality. Many of them get hooked on it, addicted like it’s a drug. Reliving their past over and over again becomes their reality, their present, their future. It can be very dangerous if you aren’t careful.”
Nazirah looks wistfully at the dormant glass, thinking about how she uses reading as her own escape tool. She wonders how it will ever suffice, now that she knows what else is possible. “I never thought Medis would need to escape reality,” she says.
Adamek stands up. “Intermix don’t have a monopoly on human suffering, Nation.”
“I know that,” she snaps, rising from her seat as well. Deep in her heart, Nazirah isn’t sure if she’s ever really realized it before. They walk to the door, which Adamek holds open for her. Nazirah should just leave, but she feels like there is more she needs to say.
“Thank you,” she tells him quickly, before losing her nerve. Nazirah hopes he understands. She isn’t just thanking him for today. She’s also thanking him for several weeks ago, for helping her fight again, helping her find herself … twisted as his teaching methods are. She’s out the door when he calls to her.
“Don’t thank me yet,” he says. “Not until you’ve fully experienced this.”
Nazirah knows he’s right. She will eventually have to face far worse memories than the one from today. And she won’t be thanking him then.
#
Later that night, Nazirah sits around a campfire with the other recruits. As the flames dance and flicker before her, she cannot stop replaying that memory in her head. The Iluxor is all the rest of her friends can talk about too.
“That was so insane today,” Taj says, picking up a stone thoughtfully and tossing it in his hand. “I never realized how advanced the Medis are, if they can pull stuff like that! It was weird because I was looking at myself, even though it was my memory, and I was watching myself as a child play with my father. We were skipping rocks along the River Syx. It’s this really dungy river in the northern part of the Red West.” He sighs. “And it was so uncomfortable because Morgen was there.”
Lumi agrees, nodding her head. “Yes, it was unnerving! I watched myself and my sisters build a snow fort back home when we were much younger. I can’t believe I ever looked so awkward! Remember those days, Ani?”
“Sure,” Aneira responds.
“What was your memory?” Nazirah asks.
At that, Aneira breaks out a rare grin. “My mom,” she says simply, and leaves it at that. Nazirah smiles at her.
“Irri, what was your memory?” Cato asks.
“Remember the first time we ever cliff dove in Rafu?” she asks, knowing Cato remembers it well. “A few years ago?”
Cato’s reaction isn’t what Nazirah expects. Instead of laughing about it, he looks upset and confused. He leans into her, trying and failing to speak privately. “That was the memory you saw?”
“That’s what I just said!” Nazirah laughs, trying to put him at ease. “You all should have seen Cato’s face,” Nazirah tells their friends. “He was so scared!” She punches him gently in the shoulder. “Why?”
Cato is thoughtful. “It’s just,” he says, hesitating, “that was my memory too.”
“What are the chances the two of you would see the same one?” asks Taj.
“Not good, I would imagine,” Lumi replies.
Nazirah thinks about how Adamek said to trust him, his playful look. It wasn’t a coincidence after all. “I don’t understand,” Nazirah says slowly. “Why would Morgen show me the same memory you had?”
There is silence. Then, “Maybe he wanted to see it again,” Aneira suggests.
Cato and Lumi visibly tense. Nazirah glares at Aneira sharply. Now, of all times, the girl chooses to really speak up? Nazirah recalls how Cato looked at her on those cliffs, how she felt at fifteen … free and uninhibited enough to strip down to her skivvies. Could it be true that Adamek wanted to replay that?
“No, that’s not it Ani,” Nazirah snaps.
Aneira shrugs and resumes staring at the fire.
“Everyone’s started calling him Renatus, you know,” Taj says, breaking the silence.
Nazirah scoffs. “Not everyone.”
She most certainly isn’t calling him that. But Taj is right. It started as a joke at first, around the compound, but the name unfortunately stuck.
Renatus.
Reborn … just like their country.
Nazirah hates it. Adamek doesn’t respond to the name, as far as Nazirah knows. But it disgusts her how quickly people forget the past. Adamek isn’t reformed just because he’s given them some helpful information. He will never be worthy of absolution.