Nazirah doesn’t want to hear anymore. “Right.”
“Do you think I’m a whore?”
“Not at all!” Nazirah says honestly. “I think he’s a scumbag, though.”
“He’s not so bad,” Lumi says. “I’ve been with guys a hell of a lot worse. There was nothing between us, though. We never talked … never even kissed. We were both just using the other, trying to escape reality.”
“I don’t blame you.”
“Does it ever go away?” Lumi asks suddenly.
“Does what go away?”
“The guilt?”
Nazirah wants to say yes, but she can’t lie to her friend. And she can’t lie to herself anymore, either. She searches for the right words, but they don’t come. Because she is not Cato Caal. And she is not Riva Martel.
She is only Nazirah Nation.
“It’s always there,” she says finally. “Some days it’s dull and other days it’s sharp. But we can channel it and hopefully use it for something worthwhile. For something good, to honor them by. And then maybe, someday, we can find some peace.”
Lumi nods, like she’s expecting it. She sobs then and Nazirah embraces her, crying too. She cries for Lumi and for Aneira, for the Grigoris, for herself, for Nikolaus, for Cato, for Riva and Kasimir.
And most surprisingly, or maybe most unsurprisingly, she cries for Adamek.
Chapter Twelve
“Osen, near the Eridian border,” Taj says, shoveling food into his mouth.
A long month has passed since Aneira’s funeral. The recruits are eating dinner outside on picnic tables. Lumi doesn’t come out here much anymore, because the grounds hold too many bad memories, but even she’s here today. She has become thinner in the past few weeks, more withdrawn, and she eats beside Taj quietly. Taj wraps a friendly arm around her.
“You’ll love Osen, Taj,” Ansel says wistfully. “It’s so different from the Deathlands. There are hundreds of crystal-clear lakes, rolling hills, evergreen trees that fill the air with pine. And grass everywhere, greener than you could ever imagine.”
“I’ve heard,” Taj says excitedly. “I can’t wait to see it in person.”
Nazirah wishes she could see it too, the land Kasimir once called home.
Cato chews thoughtfully. “What’s your assignment there?”
Today, the recruits received their final assignments, but Nazirah is anxiously still awaiting hers. The recruits would soon be scattered throughout the territories, helping the insurgents with defense, reconnaissance, medicine, and so on. It’s their last test before reconvening at headquarters to pledge their lives and hearts to the rebellion.
It’s their last chance to back out.
Taj shrugs. “Glumindo didn’t say much … something about lumber.”
“Interesting,” Cato says. Nazirah begs to disagree, but at least Taj knows what his assignment is. “Lumi, what did you get?”
Lumi’s entire face lights up. “I’m going back home, to Zima! I’m sure my father and Nikolaus had something to do with it, but I’m grateful. It’s not in Kivar, my hometown in SoZima. Obviously, I can’t go back there while my lunatic uncle remains in power. But it’s enough. I’ll be working in a small hospital near the Oseni border.”
“Maybe you can come visit me on the weekends,” Taj jokes, winking a brown eye suggestively.
Everyone at the table laughs, including Lumi. “You never know,” she replies coyly. “Cato, where are you going again? The Red West, right?”
Nazirah tunes them out. Cato has already told her, several times since this morning, about his mission. He came to her room after breakfast, excited that he was assigned recon in the Deathlands. Nazirah is glad he’s enthusiastic … but the Deathlands are so dangerous and Cato is so gentle. Nazirah is worried he won’t handle it well.
Or maybe Nazirah is the one not handling it. Getting their final assignments has made training very real. They will be true rebels soon, and then there really will be no turning back.
“Irri, you’re quieter than usual,” Taj says. “Not happy with your assignment?”
Nazirah squirms uncomfortably in her seat. “Um, no,” she says. “I’m still waiting to get mine.”
“You haven’t been assigned?” Lumi asks. She could always be counted on to restate the obvious.
Nazirah tries to seem nonchalant. “Nope,” she says. “But I’m not the only one who hasn’t been assigned yet, right?” Nazirah looks around the table, hoping to see someone nod. But they all, even Cato, avert their eyes.
Crickets.
Nazirah knows what they’re all thinking, because she’s thinking it too. Nikolaus is keeping her at the compound, out of harm’s way. Because she’s his sister and because he thinks she can’t handle it. A few months ago, this would be exactly what Nazirah wanted. But lately, she wants nothing more than to fight for every life that’s been lost, including her own.
The recruits lie in the grass after dinner, enjoying their last few hours together.
“I’m sorry you’re down about this, Irri,” says Cato gently, broaching the topic after everyone else has left their table. “Maybe it’s for the best? I know I’ll feel a lot better with you safe here.”
“It’s not for the best!” she snaps. “I’m not some damsel in distress! I don’t need to be locked away in a tower!”
Cato looks perplexed. “That’s not what I meant and you know it.”
“Do I?” she asks him honestly. “You and Niko both baby me all the time, like I’m so fragile, ready to shatter at a moment’s notice. I’m tired of it!”
“I feel very protective of you, Irri,” he says. “I always have.”
“I know that,” she says. “And I appreciate it. But I’m sick of sitting back and watching life pass me by. Especially with the lives of so many others cut short. I feel like I’m wasting the time I have. Like I should be doing more, taking more risks … something! I just feel like I haven’t lived enough, I guess. You know?”
It feels right, what she said.
She ignores the fact that those words aren’t her own.
“Not really,” Cato replies honestly. “But I support you in everything you do, Irri. And I’ll support you in this.”
Nazirah watches children playing on the swings. It feels like forever ago that she and Cato were doing the same thing. Leaving their fears behind them and vaulting into their future. It’s time Nazirah started swinging again.
“Thank you,” she says, rising from her seat. “I’m just really upset. I need to go find Niko and see exactly what’s going on. It’ll make me feel better to know.”
Cato nods encouragingly. “Okay,” he says. “Remember Nazi, I can always stuff you in my suitcase and take you to the Deathlands with me.”
A hint of a smile graces her face. “Funny,” she says. “Wish me luck.”
#
Nikolaus isn’t hard to track down. Nazirah finds him in the first place she looks. She knocks on his office door before entering. He’s there, hovering over a huge map of Renatus. Nikolaus glances up from his desk.
“Why do you look so surprised?” she asks.
“Since when do you knock?”
Nazirah rolls her eyes. He and Cato would make a great comedy act, at her expense. “Since now.”
“And you’re not even screaming or shouting at me.”
“You’re jinxing it.”
Nazirah sits down, tapping her foot. Niko looks painfully gaunt, as the stress of the impending war takes its toll. His dark hair is longer, messier than he normally keeps it. He hasn’t shaved in several days. He resembles Kasimir more and more. “I was wondering when you’d show up,” he says.
“You were?”
“You look nervous.”
“Just hear me out,” she begs.
“Okay.”
Nazirah dives headfirst into the argument she prepared on the short walk here, playing with the hem of her skirt. “I know I said that I didn’t want to help the rebellion and I wanted to run away and never come back. But I’ve changed my mind.”
“You have?”
“Yes.” Nazirah plows on. “I do want to make a difference! I do believe in what we’re fighting for! And I want to help!”