Adamek turns to leave, but something catches his eye. There’s a puddle of water pooling outside the door Nazirah assumes leads to Victoria’s bathroom, slightly staining the white carpet. And Nazirah knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she absolutely does not want to see what’s behind that door.
Don’t ask a question, if you don’t want to know the answer.
His words taunt her now, egging her on. Nazirah tries to run away, but is propelled forward by the relentless memory.
Adamek walks towards the door. His face is confused, but there’s dread there; Nazirah recognizes it well.
Adamek reaches his hand out, shaking slightly. He rests it on the doorknob. Nazirah prays for the door to be locked, but of course it isn’t. It swings open in one motion, revealing the tableau before them. And, in that moment, so many of Nazirah’s questions are answered. In that moment, she understands Adamek Morgen perfectly. She knows exactly why he rejected the Medis, knows exactly why Nikolaus trusts him, and knows exactly why he’s joined the rebellion. And she wishes, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she didn’t.
Victoria Morgen lies in the overflowing bathtub, skin pruning and pale. Her head lolls to one side, mouth slightly ajar. The tap is still running, crystal clear from the faucet. But the water spilling from the sides of the tub is tainted a deep crimson.
Gabirel Morgen, Adamek’s father, sits casually beside her on the drenched edge. He strokes Victoria’s lifeless cheek, nonchalantly smoking a cigar. His gun rests in one relaxed hand, no longer needed, long forgotten.
Chapter Fourteen
Nazirah opens her eyes in Nikolaus’s office and finds she is screaming. She bites the inside of her arm and grips the edge of the desk. She sinks onto the floor, gasping, trying to catch her breath.
What has she done? If Nazirah had any inkling that she would see that, she would have never used the Iluxor!
Gagging, Nazirah returns the Iluxor to the briefcase. She chokes back a sob as she hides the used syringe in the garbage. Returning the briefcase to the bookshelf, Nazirah curses herself for her curiosity.
She unlocks Nikolaus’s door, practically running out of his office. Nazirah is aware that she looks completely distraught, but she needs to get out of there as quickly as possible. She glances up at the clock and is shocked to find that she’s been inside the Iluxor for only five minutes. Five minutes!
She shouldn’t be surprised; her world has changed completely in less time.
Nazirah walks towards her room, shaking, grateful that fate doesn’t place anyone she knows in her path. She doesn’t stop, doesn’t falter, because she’s afraid she might collapse if she does.
This is it. This is the reason Adamek joined the rebellion. His father killed his mother. Why, Nazirah doesn’t know. But Victoria’s unintentional last request was for Adamek to be better, and that’s exactly what he’s trying to do. And get his vengeance at the same time.
How has Victoria’s death not made headlines? How has this been kept secret?
Nazirah thinks about the massive news storm surrounding her parents’ death. Gabirel Morgen had not only used Riva and Kasimir as a scapegoat for the rebellion, he had also used them to divert attention from the murder of his wife. There is no massive search for a cure for Victoria Morgen, because she’s already dead. She’s been dead for months.
Nazirah abruptly turns into the girls’ lavatory. It’s empty and Nazirah runs to the nearest stall, locking the door. She breathes in deeply through her nose, trying to collect herself. Not caring if anyone walks in anymore, Nazirah sits down on the cold floor, pulling her legs up to her chest and resting her head on her knees.
Everything makes sense now, but nothing makes sense at all. Nazirah has more unanswered questions than ever. Adamek’s Medi tattoo changed, but why? What the hell is the monkey? Why is Victoria dead? Why did Gabirel hide it? What kind of a twisted freak is Adamek’s father?
God, she doesn’t want this.
Nazirah doesn’t want to feel anything for Adamek besides hate. She doesn’t want to pity him, doesn’t want to understand him. She only wants the hate, the hate that blocks out every other emotion. But she doesn’t just hate him anymore. She hasn’t for a while. And she hates that. She hates it so much.
It’s his worst memory, finding his mother murdered. Exactly the same as hers. She almost laughs at the sick irony of it all, hating that they’re more alike than she knew.
Does he force himself to relive that memory over and over, hoping to deal with the overwhelming grief? Does he also feel like a failure, like a disappointment? Feel like he could have prevented it all, if only he did the right thing to begin with?
She knows why Adamek understands the guilt that haunts her. It haunts him too.
Nikolaus must know. From the way he looked at Adamek in his office, Nazirah thinks he’s probably seen that exact memory as well. It’s probably why he trusted Adamek in the first place. If only Nazirah had trusted Nikolaus.
Nazirah knows Adamek will murder her if he finds out. She knows it like she knows her name. And she has to work with him over the next several weeks. How is she supposed to hide this from him, when she can’t seem to hide anything from him?
Nazirah’s breathing slowly returns to normal. She eventually gets up from the bathroom floor and walks out the door, leaving several surprised, primping girls behind. Making the short journey to her room, she collapses in a heap on her bed, face puffy, body exhausted, and soul weary.
Kasimir, Riva, Aneira, and now Victoria.
The blood can be washed away. But Nazirah’s memory is stained for good.
#
A long time later, or maybe not long at all, someone knocks on her door. Nazirah can’t muster the energy to answer it. “Come in,” she calls out weakly.
Thankfully, the person on the other side of the door hears her. The door swings open, unsurprisingly revealing Cato. Cato steps inside, surprisingly revealing Lumi. Even more surprisingly, revealing Lumi holding a slice of cake.
Cato and Lumi both shoot Nazirah worried looks. Cato takes in her haggard, blotchy appearance in sympathy, almost relief. “We heard about your assignment,” he says.
Lumi closes the door and sits beside Nazirah on the bed, offering her the slice. Nazirah accepts it, even though she can’t stomach anything. Cato drops onto Nazirah’s chair. “Everyone’s been talking about it,” Lumi says.
Nazirah can barely process what they are saying. It feels like an eternity ago that Nikolaus asked her to campaign around Renatus with Adamek and Aldrik. Do Cato and Lumi really think that is why she’s so upset? It seems so unimportant now.
“Thanks for the cake.”
It’s all she can get out. She sits up slowly, head cloudy. Nazirah doesn’t want to, but she takes a big bite, hoping that a full mouth will diminish her responsibility to speak. It’s not that she doesn’t trust them. Even though Lumi can be self-absorbed, Nazirah knows she can keep a secret. And Nazirah trusts Cato with her life. But this thing with Adamek is so private, so sensitive, that she can’t share it with anyone. Including her closest friends.
“It was my idea,” Lumi says. “Cato just went along with it.”
Nazirah raises an eyebrow at Cato, who shrugs noncommittally. “How are you handling it?” he asks.
Nazirah chooses to answer honestly. “Isn’t it obvious?” she sighs. “I’m not.”
“It’ll be okay, Irri,” Cato says seriously. “Aldrik will be there to protect you from Morgen. You don’t even have to acknowledge that piece of shit, except when you’re giving your speeches or whatever else Niko wants you to do.”