“Nation.”
Adamek lies on Nazirah’s bed, not looking her way. He tosses a smooth black stone into the air, catching it with one hand. Nazirah glances nervously at the open mason jar beside him, at the pictures spread out. He’s clearly been here for a while.
Nazirah clears her throat. “How was the meeting?”
“Good,” he says. “We finished early.”
“Great.”
“I told Slome I would check on you, but you weren’t here.” Adamek looks at her then, expression unreadable. He rises from the bed, standing before Nazirah in two short paces.
“I went for a walk.”
“Where?”
“Just out,” she says. “I couldn’t stay trapped in here anymore. No one saw me.”
“Don’t lie to me.”
“I’m not.”
“And how do you explain looking like yourself again?”
Nazirah touches her face, having forgotten. “It wore off, I guess.”
“You guess?”
“Yeah, I guess!”
“Don’t lie to me!”
“You should leave.”
Adamek ignores Nazirah, grabbing her wrist. There’s an unstable, manic look in his eye. Nazirah doesn’t even try to pull away. She knows exactly what he’s looking for. Adamek stares at the protection mark for only a second. Then he meets her waiting gaze. His voice is so devastatingly calm that Nazirah almost wishes he would yell instead.
“Why?”
She struggles to break free of his grip. “Why what?”
“Why did you go see him?”
“I was curious,” she says, wincing.
Adamek spins Nazirah so her back is flush against his chest. His free hand snakes around her waist, holding her firmly. “Curious?”
“You’re hurting me!”
Adamek releases her entirely, playing with her hair. Running his hand up her neck, Adamek cups Nazirah’s throat, compressing her airway just a little. “Do you trust me, Nation?” he whispers in her ear.
“Yes.”
Nazirah is surprised by how quickly she answers. But she doesn’t doubt herself, not for a moment. Adamek lets go of her windpipe. He hisses, “Then you are an idiot, Nazirah.”
Her name on his lips is glorious sacrilege, a godsend.
“I’m not,” she says.
“What am I?”
“I don’t –”
“What am I?” he repeats, more harshly this time.
“A man?”
Adamek laughs into her ear, grazing his fingers down her spine. “True,” he says. “But try again.”
“Medi?” she gets out. She knows that’s not right … not anymore.
“Nope.”
Nazirah racks her brain. She remembers the first day she saw Adamek at headquarters, in Nikolaus’s office. Nazirah called him a slew of foul names then. One in particular had stuck.
And don’t you forget it.
Nazirah hasn’t.
“Murderer.”
She whispers it like a confession. Adamek spins her around, looking her dead in the eye. “And that’s all I’ll ever be,” he says coldly. “Remember that.” He turns away from her, walking towards the door.
“Adamek!” she cries. He stops. Nazirah doesn’t know where the courage comes from, but something has changed. Her armor has cracked. “There can be a better way to live,” she says, voice clear as a bell. “We can be better.”
Adamek pivots slowly. Disbelief shrouds his face, quickly replaced by shock, then fury. Whatever he was expecting, it was not that. He balls his fists, taking a menacing step forward. “What did you say?” His voice is hoarse and riddled with pain. He steps again, closing the gap between them. He shoves Nazirah hard, forcing her backwards.
“You heard me!”
Adamek pushes Nazirah again, slamming her against the wall. He pounds his fists beside her head. Nazirah flinches, but refuses to back down. “How?” he hisses.
“The Iluxor,” she says evenly. “Before campaign.”
He clenches his jaw, neck veins throbbing, hands splayed against stone. “And did Nazirah Nation satisfy her undying curiosity?” he snarls. “Is that what you were hoping to find, some insight into my fucked up, abusive life?” He grabs her chin roughly, dragging her up the wall. She kicks her legs uselessly, running on air. “Did you enjoy watching the only good thing in my worthless existence die, at the hand of my own father? Did it get you off, knowing my retribution had finally come?”
“I just wanted to know!”
Their faces are even. Adamek holds a hand close to her scalp, yanking hard. Nazirah whimpers in pain. “I want to kill you right now,” he whispers, eyes smoldering. “Just pull a bit harder, break your neck … make all my problems go away with a snap. It would be so easy for me.”
“You’re all talk.”
“Don’t tempt me,” he growls.
“Do it then!” she yells, grabbing his shirt and wrenching him closer. “Do it!” Adamek looks so angry, so incredibly deranged. For a moment, Nazirah thinks he just might.
He kisses her instead.
Nazirah screams into his mouth, struggling to push him away. He untangles his hand from her hair, wrapping it firmly around her waist. Nazirah grabs his shoulders, pounds his chest, but he doesn’t stop. He presses his body into hers, trapping her against the wall. The logical part of her brain shouts to keep resisting, kick him, something. She doesn’t move. Nazirah lets him kiss her, desperate and hungry and wounded. She lets him kiss her like she is his oxygen, like he needs it. Adamek breaks contact, looking into her eyes.
And Nazirah thinks she just might need it too.
When Adamek bends his head a second time, Nazirah meets him halfway. She kisses him back. She feels the surprised intake of his breath, the electric tingle and crackle and pop. He props her up higher. She wraps her legs around him, trying to get as close as possible.
Their kisses are sloppy, frantic, and delirious. Months of pent-up emotion, finally come to fruition. Both know this deluded fantasy cannot last. It’s a minute to midnight and reality is knocking. Nazirah slides her fingers past his shoulders, trails them along his jaw, tugging his hair. Adamek moans into the back of her throat. He leaves her lips, kissing a wet trail down her neck and chest. Nazirah arches into him. It feels so right, but –
The clock strikes.
“Get off.”
Nazirah shoves his shoulders hard with renewed vigor. She untangles her legs, body tense. Nazirah puts her hands over her face, sucking her bee-stung, shamed lips. Adamek steps away, putting her down. “What’s wrong?” he asks.
Nazirah is suddenly insanely angry. “What’s wrong?” she yells. “This is what’s wrong! We’re wrong!”
“Nation.…”
Adamek reaches for her hand, but she slaps his away. “Don’t touch me!” she screams, mind racing. “This was your plan all along, wasn’t it?” Her eyes are dark and wild, lips bruised and spitting inaccuracies.
“My plan?” he asks coldly. “And what plan is that?”
“The same one since I met you!” she shouts, feeling reckless, malicious. “Sacrifice a scratch on your hand for a notch on your bedpost? What was it you said again in Rafu? ‘Knock me down from my self-constructed pedestal?’ Tell everyone you conquered the frigid prude Nazirah Nation, scared little virgin who gave up everything to Adamek Morgen because she couldn’t control herself? That’s it … the power you wanted from the start!”
“Is that what you really believe?”
“I don’t know what to believe!” she cries. “You save my life one day, threaten to kill me the next! It’s exhausting being around you! Just be honest with me for once!”
“Be honest?” he asks. “How about be honest with yourself?”
“What do you –”
“Tell me, Irri,” Adamek mocks, “tell me the real reason you were roaming around my thoughts to begin with. Why you asked Solomon about me. Why you went back to the monastery.”