“I just… I don’t know. I guess I feel a little uncomfortable around them.”
“Ahh.” Lydia nodded and smiled. Jason was feeling more awkward with the conversation, but Lydia was being nice, so he was still not sure what to do.
“Well, I am pretty sure the teenagers would say no if you asked them. Frank, on the other hand, would probably welcome you aboard. But-” She held her hand up, stopping him from repeating his protests. “We wouldn’t want to put you with someone who made you feel… awkward.”
Jason felt the panicked desire to turn and face the wall again. It would look stupid if he did, and he knew it, so instead he fixed his eyes on Lydia’s legs. He could not look at her face. He jumped when she slapped those very same legs and stood up.
“So what are we going to do?”
He glanced up at her face but was unable to meet her eyes for more than a second or two. He didn’t have an answer for her.
“I mean, you can’t stay here, right? You can’t move in with Michael and Cindy either.”
It was something he had not considered. Even bringing it up seemed odd. Michael and Cindy were like a married couple. Jason knew they weren’t, and even with his growing affection for Michael, he was less than enthusiastic about Cindy. Like everyone else, he was puzzled as to why the two of them were together. She was gross and scary. There was no chance he was going to ask Michael if he could stay with them.
He still didn’t have an answer for Lydia, so he shrugged instead.
“You’re welcome to stay with us.” She said it quietly. She sat back down in her chair and looked across at him. He nodded, defeated.
Lydia clapped and smiled. “Well then it’s settled. I know you’ll like it. The boys will be glad to hear you’re joining us.” She rose up and moved toward the door. She wrapped her hand around the knob and was about to walk out when she looked back at him.
“Well? Aren’t you coming?”
“I don’t want to go out there right now.” Jason glared holes through his books, concentrating hard on them as he studiously avoided Lydia’s gaze.
She turned and moved back into the bedroom. Jason had not felt relaxed since she walked in, but now he was feeling vulnerable as well. There was no more paranoia about her trying to trick him. No more fear about anything she might say. It was just a desire to have her leave without him. He did not want to face anyone outside the RV right now, even though he knew that the men had already left on their expedition.
Lydia plopped down on the bed next to Jason. It was uncomfortable, but at least she still wasn’t trying to touch him. She gave him a little bit of space, but her face was right there in front of him, staring him down.
“So you’re afraid to go out there, huh?”
He looked at her with anger in his eyes.
“I am NOT afraid! I’m just angry at everyone, and I don’t want to see any of them.”
She leaned in, invading his personal space just a little. She moved her hand over his, locking her bony fingers around it before he could react. He was surprised at how strong she was and that he could not wriggle free. She was not only strong, but also smart enough to expect his resistance. She squeezed his hand firmly and yanked on it until he looked up at her. This was not the gentle touch he had feared earlier. This was worse.
“Don’t bullshit me, Jason. Please? I am too damn old to be fooled by a young boy like you. Got it?”
He wanted to yell that he was no boy, but it died on his tongue. As much as he wanted to rebel against the word, he knew it was true that he was still a boy. Looking at her wizened old face made it impossible to argue that he had become a man because of his experiences of the past six weeks, ever since the world had fallen apart. It wasn’t like he was talking to Megan, who was twenty-five or something. Lydia was old.
He stared at her, not sure what to say. When Lydia smiled again, he relaxed slightly, but she did not let go of his hand. Jason wanted to tell her to, but was afraid to complain and even more afraid of trying to break free again. It felt like he was in a vice grip, and he knew he would look stupid if he struggled and lost to this grandmotherly woman.
She tilted her head until she caught his eyes again. The look was gentle, and even though he wanted to look elsewhere, her eyes compelled him to stay glued on her.
“It’s okay to be afraid. All right?”
He kept his mouth shut, but shook his head in denial. It was not okay! He had to be brave. He was afraid to show his face outside of the RV. He was a big chicken.
She squeezed his hand again. “I’m telling you it is okay to be afraid. I’m not here to argue with you; I’m telling you how things are in the real world.”
Jason stared at Lydia, disbelief etched on his face. Her eyes had narrowed, and she looked annoyed with him. “Trust someone who has been around the block a few times, okay? Being afraid is your body and brain telling you something… something you might not be able to figure out otherwise.”
Jason shook his head again and somehow found the words to offer up a retort.
“But Michael told me I was brave. He told me I needed to keep being brave because I have it in me to be a great leader someday, and all leaders need to be brave and sure of themselves.”
Lydia smiled at Jason. She grabbed up his other hand and pressed them together beneath her own. Jason no longer resisted her touch.
“I am sure that you will be a good leader someday, Jason. I have no doubt about that. But bravery isn’t the only quality a good leader needs.”
Jason felt stupid for what he had said. Of course courage was not the only thing required to be a leader. He knew that. He regrouped his thoughts and tried again.
“I know. But if I can’t even be brave enough to go outside the RV again and not be embarrassed about what happened earlier, none of that other stuff will ever matter.”
Lydia laughed. It was a hearty, rich laugh filled with warmth and comfort.
“Oh, Jason, my dear. You still have a lot to learn about being a leader and a lot to learn about what being brave really means.” She shook her head. “Don’t sweat it too much-you will have plenty of time to figure it all out, hopefully. Suffice it to say you are doing pretty well at such a young age.”
He looked at her and tried to return her smile, but it failed to form on his face.
“But it isn’t like I still have to graduate from high school or anything like that. There aren’t any more schools. There aren’t any more teachers to teach me anything. I need to learn for myself right now.”
Jason paused, and Lydia remained silent, waiting for more.
“That’s what makes me so mad about not being allowed to go out with the men. I need to be out there with them, learning how to be a man.” He stared at her. “I need to learn how to be brave.”
It felt good to say. It did not sound childish or stupid, and it certainly did not sound like he was pouting or whining. That was something he desperately wanted to avoid doing anymore. It was what he had done when he ran back to the RV instead of standing up for himself. He had run off to pout like a baby, and everyone probably had a good laugh when he did; in fact, he was certain they had. Everyone but Michael. He had probably been disappointed with Jason instead.
Lydia nodded, absorbing Jason’s words. He felt like he was redeeming himself in her eyes. He wanted to do the same with everyone else. Maybe even George. If only the man could see him as more than just a child.
“Jason, you are already very brave. It’s not something you can learn about. Bravery is doing what you have to in a tough situation, not acting foolishly so you can show everyone how tough you are. Bravery is putting others’ needs ahead of your own.” She leaned toward the boy. “Just like George did for you.”
If Lydia had dropped a brick on his head, it would not have stunned Jason any more. His jaw dropped, and he suddenly felt very warm. He attempted to bolt, but Lydia was prepared. She clamped down hard on Jason’s hands again, and as he tried to slide off the bed, she dug her nails into his skin until he yelped in surprise. Jason’s eyes widened, and he stared at Lydia in astonishment. Her expression hadn’t changed in the slightest.