Looking over my shoulder, I saw Hip standing there, gazing down at me. His face was set into an encouraging smile. Confidence radiated off of him, seeping into me like a warm summer's day.
I nodded and the two of us made our way out to the bench to sit down with Davie and Margo.
“Hey, guys,” Margo beamed up at us. “Where’s Jason?”
I shrugged. “I was hoping you knew. I haven’t seen him since this morning.”
“You mean since you two had kinky sex out on the school's lawn?” Davie asked, holding back laughter as he shoveled pasta into his mouth.
Hip choked on his juice, snorting and coughing till some of it came out of his nose. I stared at him for a second before breaking out into laughter, a full belly laughter that had me rocking back on the bench seat and almost falling over, which only made me laugh more.
“That's not funny! Did you really have sex with Jason on the front lawn?” Hip asked, looking really perturbed.
I frowned, my laughter dying out. “I didn’t. They are all simply rumors.”
“Have you not heard them today, Hip? Everyone's talking about it,” Margo asked.
He shook his head. “I’ve honestly been preoccupied all morning.”
It was odd for him not to have noticed something. He was usually so observant.
I gently put my hand on his shoulder.
“Are you okay?” I whispered.
He didn’t look at me. “I’m alright. Just eat your lunch.”
He slipped an apple off his tray and put it in front of me. I picked it up and stared at it before looking up at Margo and Davie across from me. They were glancing between Hip and I, curious looks on their faces.
Davie, the ever tactful, suddenly blurted out, “Which one are you dating?”
Margo jabbed her elbow into his side before saying, “What he means is, we are curious. Are you and Hip dating, or are you with Jason?”
This day was just full of awkward questions, wasn’t it?
I cleared my throat. “I’m not dating either of them. Please excuse me.”
Honestly done with people and their questions for the moment, I stood up from the table, planning on hiding out the rest of lunch in the bathroom. I started to walk away when I heard Margo call my name, and felt small, feminine hands grab my arm. I yelped and tugged my arm out of Margo’s grasp, clutching it close to my chest.
Margo looked hurt and confused. I felt terrible for reacting like that. It wasn’t her fault I was so weird.
“I’m sorry,” I said before I turned and left.
A dark mood settled over my shoulders as I stormed inside the school building and into the Women’s bathroom. As I locked myself in the large handicap stall and slumped down next to the toilet, I realized that this feeling had been following me all day. This little dark weight in the center of my chest had been growing steadily since the encounter with Jason this morning.
I shouldn’t have kissed him. I should have just simply told him I wasn’t interested and walked away.
All the mixed-up emotions that had been building in the past few weeks burst forth. The guilt, the confusion, the anger, the elation, the lust, and the happiness. Everything that this town, these men had brought out in me. Suddenly, everything that had been going on these past few weeks flashed to the forefront of my mind.
Meeting the guys, being attacked by those girls, the odd looks I got around town, the lies.
There was just too much. Too much going on, and it needed to stop.
I couldn’t handle it.
I clutched my head and curled up into a ball, my breaths coming out uneven and quick, my face wet with tears.
I wanted it to stop. All these emotions, I wanted them to stop.
I needed a blade, I needed something sharp.
Pain.
Pain would stop this flood of emotion and confusion.
I clutched my wrist and my chest wracked with quite sobs. Try to remember what the doctors said.
Count backwards from ten.
Breath slowly.
Remember, it’s only temporary.
It wasn’t working.
I bit my lip, but the pain wasn’t enough. Taking the palm of my hand into my mouth, I bit down on it. Hard. The twinges of pain calmed me down a fraction and made me focus just a bit more.
Hurting yourself won't help.
But it would. It does. But I knew it was wrong.
I felt a weight rest on my shoulder. Jumping, I saw Hip. Somehow, he had slipped into the stall without me noticing and sat down next to me, his head resting on my shoulder.
Shame washed over me, and I immediately tore my hand out my mouth.
“H-Hip?”
“I’m here. You’re safe,” He said, his voice full of warmth.
I sucked in a ragged breath, my eyes wide.
“Just breathe,” he whispered.
He wasn’t looking at me directly. He just stared ahead, the weight of his head on my shoulder a reassurance and an anchor.
But my shame wouldn’t be abated now, adding to the ugly pile of emotions that stormed inside of me. I hugged my knees and sobbed some more.
I felt a little ridiculous. This wasn’t my first panic attack and I knew it wouldn’t be my last, but it didn’t stop me from feeling stupid.
“You're not weak or stupid you know.”
I hiccupped. "Are you some freaky mind reader or something?”
He was far too good at knowing what I was thinking half the time.
“No, I’m just good at reading people,” He replied.
We didn’t say anything else for a few minutes. I was grateful that no one else came into the bathroom during that time. I honestly don’t think I could have handled someone else getting all up in my business and failing to calm me down. Especially if that someone was a girl.
Hip was good, though. He didn’t try to brush me off or tell me to calm down. He just sat next to me, patiently waiting for it to pass, his head resting on my shoulder.
I still felt ashamed that he had caught me biting myself. I had just told Theseus yesterday that I had stopped doing it years ago. Yet here I was craving the feel of the cold blade against my skin and the sharp sting it left behind.
My hand, the one I had bitten, came down and rested into Hip’s, seeking out his comfort. His acceptance.
He squeezed my hand, assuring me, "It’s okay. I’m right here.”
Eventually, I heard the bell ring, signaling the end of lunch.
“Do you think you're okay with going to class?” He asked.
I shook my head. I wasn’t ready to face the other students with more of their questions and judgmental stares.
“Okay.”
Soon, the bell for the high school students to start class rang. It also signaled for the middle school kids to come down from the second floor and begin their lunch. A few girls came barging through the bathroom door, yammering about some gossip. A couple of them tried to get through the stall door but once I yelped that someone was already in here, they left it alone.
“Did you hear a couple of the high school kids were caught fucking in front of the school this morning?”
I internally groaned and banged my head against my knees. Damn it for small towns and their gossip!
Hip squeezed my hand and scooted closer to me, his presence making it just a little better.
“Like literally in front of the school?!” A second girl asked incredulously.
“Yeah! Right near the front door, apparently.”
“Do you know who?”
“No, but I do know it was that hot teacher, Dr. Kline, that found them.”