And so I saw what I had always hoped to see, and was able to view what I had envisaged during many hundreds of shameful soporific imaginings.
The Doctor, nude.
And it meant nothing. She was struggling, pulling and heaving and trying to punch and kick and bite, her skin mottled with exertion, her face hot with tears and reddened with fear and fury. This was no soft dream of lust. Here was no emollient vision of loveliness. Here was a woman about to be violated in the most base and disgusting ways possible, and then tortured, and then, eventually, killed. She knew this as well as I, and as well as Ralinge and his pair of assistants did, and as well as the guards who attended us.
What was my most fervent hope at that point?
It was that they did not know of my devotion to her. If they thought me indifferent, I might only hear her screams. If they thought for a moment, for the merest heart-beat, that I loved her, then the very rules of their profession would require that my eyelids be cut out and I would be forced to watch her every torment.
Her clothes were thrown away, landing in a heap in one corner by a bench. Something clinked. Master Ralinge looked at the Doctor as she was secured, quite naked, to the iron bed frame. He. looked down at his manhood, stroking it, then he dismissed the guards. They looked both disappointed and relieved. One of Ralinge's assistants locked the chamber door behind them. There was upon Ralinge's face a bright and shining, almost luminescent smile as he moved towards her.
The Doctor's dark clothes settled where they had fallen.
My eyes filled with tears, thinking of how she had thought to check her progress as she had left her apartments, being so careful as to go back and pick up that stupid, blunt and useless dagger that she carried with her whenever she remembered. What good could that do her now?
Master Ralinge said the first words that I could recall in detail since the Doctor had read out the note in her apartments, half a bell — and an entire age — earlier.
"First things first, madam," he said. He climbed up on to the bed the Doctor had been strapped to, his swollen manhood held poised within one fist.
The Doctor looked into his eyes quite calmly. She made a clicking noise with her mouth and her face took on a look of disappointment. 'Ah," she said, matter-of-factly. "So you are serious." And she smiled. Smiled!
Then she said something that sounded like an instruction in a language I did not know. It was not the language she had used with the gaan Kuduhn, a day earlier. It was a different kind of language. A language from somewhere, I thought, even as I heard it and closed my eyes — for I could not bear to see what was going to happen next — beyond even far Drezen. A language from nowhere.
And, well, what happened next?
How many times I have tried to explain it, how many times I have attempted to make sense of it. Not so much for others, but for myself.
My eyes — as I hope will seem understandable given the feelings I lave attempted to imply through this journal — were closed at the time. I simply did not see what happened during the next few heart-beats.
I heard a whirring noise. A noise like a waterfall, a noise like a sudden wind, like an arrow as it passes nearby one's ear. Then a long gasp which I realised later must in reality have been two gasps, but in any case a long exhalation of sound, and then a thud, a punch-like concussion of what, in retrospect, was air and flesh and bone and… what? More bone? Metal? Wood?
Metal, I think.
Who knows?
I felt a strange, dizzying sensation. I may have been senseless, for a while. I do not know.
When I woke, if I woke, it was to something that was impossible.
The Doctor stood over me, clad in her long white shirt. She was bald, of course, having been shaved. She looked utterly different. Alien.
She was undoing my bonds.
Her expression seemed cool and assured. Her face and scalp were freckled with red.
There was red on the ceiling above the iron bed where she had been secured. More blood was scattered almost everywhere I looked, some of it still dripping from the nearby bench. I looked at the floor. Master Ralinge lay there. Or most of him did. His body, up to his lower neck, lay on the stones, still twitching. Where the rest was… well, there were quite sufficient pieces of red, pink and grey distributed around the chamber for one to re-create something like what must have happened to his upper neck and head.
Simply, it was as though a bomb had exploded inside it. I could see half a dozen teeth of various sizes and colours scattered about the floor, like shrapnel.
Ralinge's assistants lay nearby in a single great spreading pool of blood, their heads almost severed from their bodies. Only a strip of skin still connected the head of one to his shoulders. His face was turned towards me and his eyes were still open.
I swear, they blinked, once. Then they slowly closed.
The Doctor released me.
Something moved at the hem of her loose shirt. Then the movement stopped.
She looked so steady and so certain. And yet she looked so dead, so utterly overpowered. She turned her head to one side and said something in a tone I swear to this day was resigned and defeated, even bitter. Something buzzed through the air.
"We must imprison ourselves to save ourselves, Oelph," she told me. She put her hand on my mouth. "If that is possible."
Warm and dry and strong.
We were in a cell. A cell set within the walls of the torture chamber and separated from it by a grid of iron bars. Why she put us in here, I had no idea. The Doctor had dressed herself. I had hurriedly undressed while she looked away, cleaned myself as best I could, then dressed again. Meanwhile she had gathered up the long red hair Ralinge had shaved from her head. She looked at it regretfully as she stepped over the master torturer's body, then threw the gleaming red bundles on to the brazier, where they crackled and spat and smoked and flamed and gave off a sickening smell.
She had quietly unlocked the door of the chamber itself, before putting us both in this small cell, locking the door from outside and throwing the keys on to the nearest bench. Then she had sat calmly down on the dirty straw floor and put her arms round her knees and stared blankly out at the carnage in the chamber outside.
I squatted down beside her, my knee close to where her old dagger protruded from the top of her boot. The air smelled of shit and burned hair and something sharp that I decided must be blood. I felt sick for a little while. I tried to concentrate on something trivial, and was inordinately grateful to find something. The Doctor's old battered dagger had lost the last of its little white beads round the top rim of its pommel, under the smoky stone. It looked neater, more symmetrical now, I thought. I took a deep breath through my mouth, to escape the smells of the torture chamber, then cleared my throat. "What… what happened, mistress?" I asked.
"You must report what you feel you have to, Oelph." Her voice sounded tired and hollow. "I shall say that the three of them fell out over me, and killed each other. But it doesn't really matter." She looked at me. Her eyes seemed to drill into me. I had to look away. "What did you see, Oelph?" she asked.
"My eyes were closed, mistress. Truly. I heard… a few noises. Wind. A buzz. A thud. I think I was out of my senses for a short while."
She nodded, and smiled thinly. "Well, that's handy."
"Should we not have attempted to run away, mistress?"
"I don't think we'd get very far, Oelph," she said. "There is another way, but we must be patient. The matter is in hand."
"If you say so, mistress," I said. Suddenly my eyes filled with tears. The Doctor turned to me and smiled. She looked very strange and child-like with no hair. She put her arm out and hugged me to her. I rested my head on her shoulder. She rested her head on mine, and rocked me to and fro, like a mother with her child.