I thought about making a tail, but the thing is, if the tail comes out of my backside, then what is a snake doing with legs? And if the tail is attached to my feet, then I’ll have trouble walking.
No way am I wearing a costume where I have trouble walking.
“To maximize the terror,” I tell Mom, the morning of Halloween, “I need a forked tongue.”
“They don’t make those,” she says, hardly looking up from the vegetables she is chopping.
“How do you know?”
“How would you even wear one? Would it go over your actual tongue, like a glove, or what?”
“I don’t know! They figured out vampire fangs, didn’t they?”
“That’s different.” Mom shakes her head.
“No it’s not. The fangs are like little gloves for your teeth.”
She sighs.
“What are you chopping?” I ask suddenly. “Are those beets?”
“Yeah.”
“We never eat beets,” I say. “Why are you making beets?”
“Sasha brought them over a couple days ago, don’t you remember?” she says. “Plus, they’re delicious.”
“Not to me.”
“I bet you like them when I’m finished with them,” she says.
“No way.”
“I really think you will,” she says mysteriously.
Fat chance, but whatever. It’s no use arguing with my mother about vegetables. Or forked tongues, apparently.
Now I am in the bathroom. It’s just getting dark out. My parents are at the ice-cream shop getting ready for the trick-or-treaters. I managed to convince Dad my top secret squash project can’t be revealed until after nightfall, but I still have no idea what I’m going to do.
Never mind that now. I’ve got on my costume and am striping my face with yellow and green makeup. “You look fierce,” Inkling says.
He’s here somewhere, but not in front of the mirror. I think he might be sitting on top of it.
“I’m the most dangerous animal on the planet,” I say. “Nadia and her friends might mess with the Empire State Building. They might mess with hobbits. But no one messes with the faint-banded sea snake!”
Nadia has Jacquie, Mara, and a bunch of boys coming over. They’re supposed to take me trick-or-treating before they go to some party, but I’m not risking it. “I’ll just go by myself,” I tell Inkling.
“Trick-or-treating alone?”
“Yes. In the building. You’ll come with me, then, won’t you?”
“I meant, you’re not trick-or-treating with Chin?”
I shake my head. Chin is still mad at me.
I don’t want to talk about it. I pull my green hood onto my head and tuck my hair in. “What do you think?” I ask.
“Let me hear you hiss.”
“Sssssssssssssssssssss!”
Inkling clucks. “That would never go over in the tippy tip of southern Baja!”
I try again. Baring my teeth. “Sssssssssssssssssssss!”
“You’re highly, highly venomous! You’re the snake of the universe!”
“Sssssssssssssssssssss!”
“That’s more like it,” Inkling says, chuckling.
“Are you coming with?”
“Sure. Besides, I’ve figured out what to be for Halloween.”
“What?”
“A ghost.” Inkling sounds triumphant, but I don’t see why.
“Like, in a white sheet?” I ask.
“No way. Wouldn’t even work.”
“Then what?”
“You’ll see,” says Inkling. “I’m going to be a fantastic ghost. You’ll be impressed.”
“Just don’t eat the neighbors’ jack-o’-lanterns,” I tell him.
My faint-banded sea snake costume is complete. I look awesome. Inkling climbs on my back and we head down the hall to the living room.
Nadia is wearing a white unicorn suit with hooves and a tail. Her head is lying on the floor, crumpled.
Jacquie and Mara are sitting on the couch.
They are not dressed as unicorns.
Jacquie is in her rock star outfit again, with even more makeup on than last time, if that is humanly possible. Mara is dressed as a cowgirl, though no cowgirl would ever wear such a short skirt. How can you even ride a horse dressed like that?
I am about to run in and hiss at them when I realize they are having an argument. “We all agreed weeks ago!” Nadia is saying. “We bought unicorn costumes together.”
Jacquie shakes her head. “We’re in eleventh grade. It’s lame to dress alike.”
“It’s lame to dress as unicorns,” adds Mara.
“You said yes!” Nadia complains. “We talked about it last night.”
“Gustav said I looked good like this,” says Jacquie.
“It was you who wanted us to be unicorns,” says Mara. “I never did.”
“Why did you buy the costume if you didn’t want it, then?” Nadia sounds whiny.
“You put pressure on us,” Mara explains. “You didn’t really take no for an answer.”
Jacquie nods. “Scary isn’t in this year.”
“Cute is in this year. And glitter makeup.” Mara shrugs.
“You could have mentioned something,” snaps Nadia. “You could have said, ‘Hey, we’re all wearing glitter makeup and cute clothes.’ You could have asked me, ‘Do you really want to go in a big plush unicorn suit with a rubber head? ’Cause none of us is doing that, after all.’”
Jacquie checks her phone. “The boys are late. Didn’t they say they’d be here by now?”
“Yes!” yells Nadia. “The boys are supposed to be here, and you guys look cute, while I look like a giant bloodthirsty unicorn. Thanks a lot!”
“You don’t have to get huffy,” says Mara.
Now seems like a good time to scare them, when they least expect it. I leap from behind the couch, hissing. “I’m a faint-banded sea snake! Sssssssssssssssssssss!”
No one jumps.
No one screams.
Nadia looks embarrassed, and Mara doesn’t even look up. Jacquie laughs. “Ooh, scary.”
“I’m the most venomous snake in the world,” I say. “You should be scared!”
Jacquie says, “You look like a lemon-lime Popsicle. You got your Star Wars underwear on?”
I don’t know what to say.
Yes, I do have Star Wars underwear on. But not the same as yesterday. Clean Star Wars underwear.
I don’t want to talk about my underwear.
“Not your business,” I tell Jacquie. “And you better not mess with the faint-banded sea snake. One bite and I can kill you like that.”
Jacquie laughs again.
Oh.
Bleh.
“I’m gonna take Hank out trick-or-treating now,” Nadia says, cranky. “You two don’t need to come. Just let the boys in when they get here, and I’ll be back in like forty-five minutes.” She grabs her unicorn head. “Let’s go,” she says to me.
“No way.” I plant my feet.
“You can’t go out alone. Mom and Dad said.”
“I’m not trick-or-treating with you. Not after what happened last year and the year before.”
“But I promised Mom I’d take you.”
“No.”
“What are you going to do, then?” she asks.
“Go alone,” I say. “I’ll stay in the building. Then I’ll go to Big Round Pumpkin.”
“He’s trick-or-treating alone?” says Mara. “Nadia, your little brother is even less normal than I thought.”
“Sssssssssssssssssssss!” I hiss at them one more time. Then Inkling and I are out the door.
Dead Ballerinas
“Let me guess!” says the lady in apartment 4A. “Are you…a confused candy cane?”
No.
“A crazy soccer fan?” says the man in 4B.
No.
“A caterpillar?” says 4C.
No.
“The Brazilian flag?” says 4D.
No, no, no.
Apartment 4E is Seth Mnookin. He’s Rootbeer’s owner and he lives by himself with not a whole lot of furniture. He says he’s a freelance writer, but whenever I see him, he looks like he’s just woken up from a nap.