'Beep-beep, Richie,' Ben said solemnly, and then exploded laughter in a hearty baritone utterly unlike his wavering childhood voice. 'You're the same old roadrunner.'
You guys want to hear this story or not?' Richie asked. 'I mean, no big deal one way or the other. Beep away if you want to. I can take abuse. I mean, you're looking at a man who once did an interview with Ozzy Osbourne.'
'Tell it,' Bill said. He glanced over at Mike and saw that Mike looked happier - or more at rest - since the luncheon had begun. Was it because he saw the almost unconscious knitting-together that was happening, the sort of easy falling - back into old roles that almost never happened when old chums got together? Bill thought so. And he thought, If there are certain preconditions for the belief in magic that makes it possible to use the magic, then maybe those preconditions will inevitably arrange themselves. It was not a very comforting thought. It made him feel like a man strapped to the nosecone of a guided missile.
Beep-beep indeed.
'Well,' Richie was saying, 'I could make this long and sad or I could give you the Blondie and Dagwood comic-strip version, but I'll settle for something in the middle. The year after I moved out to California I met a girl, and we fell pretty hard for each other. Started living together. She was on the pill at first, but it made her feel sick almost all the time. She talked about getting an IUD, but I wasn't too crazy about that - the first stories about how they might not be completely safe were just starting to come out in the papers.
'We had talked a lot about kids, and had pretty well decided we didn't want them even if we decided to legalize the relationship. Irresponsible to bring kids into such a shitty, dangerous, overpopulated world . . . and blah-blah-blah, babble-babble-babble, let's go out and put a bomb in the men's room of the Bank of America and then come on back to the crashpad and smoke some dope and talk about the difference between Maoism and Trotskyism, if you see what I mean.
'Or maybe I'm being too hard on both of us. Shit, we were young and reasonably idealistic. The upshot was that I got my wires cut, as the Beverly Hills crowd puts it with their unfailing vulgar chic. The operation went with no problem and I had no adverse aftereffects. There can be, you know. I had a friend whose balls swelled up to roughly the size of the tires on a 1959 Cadillac. I was gonna give him a pair of suspenders and a couple of barrels for his birthday - sort of a designer truss - but they went down before then.'
'All put with your customary tact and dignity,' Bill remarked, and Beverly began to laugh again.
Richie offered a large, sincere smile. 'Thank you, Bill, for those words of support. The word "fuck" was used two hundred and six times in your last book. I counted.'
'Beep-beep, Trashmouth,' Bill said solemnly, and they all laughed. Bill found it nearly impossible to believe they had been talking about dead children less than ten minutes ago.
'Press onward, Richie,' Ben said. 'The hour groweth late.'
'Sandy and I lived together for two and a half years,' Richie went on. 'Came really close to getting married twice. As things turned out, I guess we saved ourselves a lot of heartache and all that community-property bullshit by keeping it simple. She got an offer to join a corporate law-firm in Washington around the same time I got an offer to come to KLAD as a weekend jock - not much, but a foot in the door. She told me it was her big chance and I had to be the most insensitive male chauvinist oinker in the United States to be dragging my feet, and furthermore she'd had it with California anyway. I told her I also had a chance. So we thrashed it out, and we trashed each other out, and at the end of all the thrashing and trashing Sandy went.
'About a year after that I decided to try and get the vasectomy reversed. No real reason for it, and I knew from the stuff I'd read that the chances were pretty spotty, but I thought what the hell.'
'You were seeing someone steadily then?' Bill asked.
'No - that's the funny part of it,' Richie said, frowning. 'I just woke up one day with this . . . I dunno, this hobbyhorse about getting it reversed.'
'You must have been nuts,' Eddie said. 'General anesthetic instead of a local? Surgery? Maybe a week in the hospital afterward?'
'Yeah, the doctor told me all of that stuff,' Richie replied. 'And I told him I wanted to go ahead anyway. I don't know why. The doc asked me if I understood the aftermath of the operation was sure to be painful while the result was only going to be a coin-toss at best. I said I did. He said okay, and I asked him when - my attitude being the sooner the better, you know. So he says hold your horses, son, hold your horses, the first step is to get a sperm sample just to make sure the reversal operation is necessary. I said, "Come on, I had the exam after the vasectomy. It worked." He told me that sometimes the vasa reconnected spontaneously. "Yo mamma!" I says. "Nobody ever told me that." He said the chances were very small - infinitesimal, really - but because the operation was so serious, we ought to check it out. So I popped into the men's room with a Frederick's of Hollywood catalogue and jerked off into a Dixie cup - '
'Beep-beep, Richie,' Beverly said.
'Yeah, you're right,' Richie said. 'The part about the Frederick's catalogue is a lie - you never find anything that good in a doctor's office. Anyway, the doc called me three days later and asked me which I wanted first, the good news or the bad news.
'"Gimme the good news first," I said.
'"The good news is the operation won't be necessary," he said. "The bad news is that anybody you've been to bed with over the last two or three years could hit you with a paternity suit pretty much at will."
'"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" I asked him.
'"I'm telling you that you aren't shooting blanks and haven't been for quite awhile now," he said. "Millions of little wigglies in your sperm sample. Your days of going gaily in bareback with no questions asked have temporarily come to an end, Richard.
'I thanked him and hung up. Then I called Sandy in Washington.
'"Rich!" she says to me,' and Richie's voice suddenly became the voice of this girl Sandy whom none of them had ever met. It was not an imitation or even a likeness, exactly; it was more like an auditory painting. ' "It's great to hear from you! I got married!"
'"Yeah, that's great," I said. "You should have let me know. I would have sent you a blender."
'She goes, "Same old Richie, always full of gags."
'So I said "Sure, same old Richie, always full of gags. By the way, Sandy, you didn't happen to have a kid or anything after you left LA, did you? Or maybe an unscheduled d and c, or something?"
'"That gag isn't so funny, Rich," she said, and I had a brainwave that she was getting ready to hang up on me, so I told her what happened. She started laughing, only this time it was real hard - she was laughing the way I always used to laugh with you guys, like somebody had told her the world's biggest bellybuster. So when she finally starts slowing down I ask her what in God's name is funny. "It's just so wonderful," she said. "This time the joke's on you. After all these years the joke is finally on Records Tozier. How many bastards have you sired since I came east, Rich?"
'"I take it that means you still haven't experienced the joys of motherhood?" I ask her.
'"I'm due in July," she says. "Were there any more questions?"
'"Yeah," I go. "When did you change your mind about the immorality of bringing children into such a shitty world?"
'"When I finally met a man who wasn't a shit," she answers, and hangs up.'
Bill began to laugh. He laughed until tears rolled down his cheeks. 'Yeah,' Richie said. 'I think she cut it off quick so she'd really get the last word, but she could have hung on the line all day. I know when I've been aced. I went back to the doctor a week later and asked him if he could be a little clearer on the odds against that sort of spontaneous regeneration. He said he'd talked with some of his colleagues about the matter. It turned out that in the three-year period 1980-82, the California branch of the AMA logged twenty-three reports of spontaneous regeneration. Six of those turned out to be simply botched operations. Six others were either hoaxes or cons - guys looking to take a bite out of some doctor's bank account. So . . . eleven real ones in three years.'