I want to pull away from him, create the distance my heart needs right now, but he moves his hands down my arms till they’re sitting on the base of my shirt. Without saying a word, he grips the hem of my shirt and motions for me to lift my arms. I have no idea what he’s doing, but in my tired state, I let him take my soaked shirt off. I stand there in only my bra as he wraps his arms back around me, kissing my shoulder. As much as I want to stay like this, Masen begins to squirm.
“I think he’s hungry. Why don’t you take your bra off and feed him? I promise I won’t look.”
I laugh softly. “Have you seen them? They’re impossible to hide.”
“How can I not notice them?” He smirks. “But seriously, our son is hungry. I can turn around.”
My bra is wet and uncomfortable and I know I need to release the milk. I ask him to turn around for a brief moment as I unclasp my bra. It’s a relief to take it off and I feel the pressure subside immediately. Making myself comfortable on the bed, I move to lay on my side and pull the sheets to cover part of my skin. I pull Masen closer to me and he latches on with ease, gently sucking away. Haden turns around and lays beside me on the bed. Stroking Masen’s hair, he hums a tune I don’t recognize.
“You’re doing a great job,” he whispers. “You’re a natural even though you don’t see it.”
“I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“No first-time mom does.”
“Yeah but first-time moms have husbands that help them.”
“I told you, I’m here.”
“You won’t be here forever. You’ll be doing the same thing with your wife soon.”
“I don’t want to talk about that.”
I keep my voice down so as not to wake up Masen. “You never want to address it, Haden. If you love her, then marry her. But these moments we have…they need to stop.”
“What if I don’t want them to stop?”
“You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. Sometimes you’ve got to make decisions and deal with the consequences, whether it good or bad. I’m a realist. I stepped away from a relationship even though it wasn’t easy.”
“But you don’t think with your heart.”
“Of course I do. I loved Jason—”
“But you wanted more,” he interrupts. “Tell me, what is your heart telling you now?”
He is asking me a question I dare not answer truthfully, because if I do, there’s a huge possibility my heart will be exposed and shatter if he walks down that aisle…with her. But on the flipside, I’m sick of this emotional rollercoaster and walking on eggshells.
“It’s telling me that love is a constant battle. The man that steals my heart…I want him to fight for me. I want to be the only woman he thinks about, the only woman his heart beats for. I want to be the object of his desire, the body he worships every day. I want to feel like nothing in this world exists if he doesn’t feel all those things for me.”
Behind his glasses, his beautiful eyes are consumed by my words. I know he feels something, but how much? I have no idea. My fingers ache to reach out and caress his face, but I’m terrified. The tiny human lying between us is at stake. One wrong move and his life changes forever.
“You deserve all that…and a man who will give you that.”
On cue, my hearts sinks, confirming what I’ve known all along. He cares. Just not enough. And maybe these thoughts in my head need to stop. Just like my relationship with Jason. I pulled the plug when things weren’t as they should’ve been. If I did it once, I can do it again.
Masen’s gentle snores start as he falls asleep peacefully at my breast. Haden lifts him up slowly and pats him, prompting a loud burp before moving him to his crib and wrapping him tight. Lying here, semi-naked, I’m vulnerable both physically and emotionally. Haden removes his shoes and climbs back into the bed with me, this time moving under the sheets. My body appears flushed, and the way his eyes are laced with desire can only mean one thing.
Kitty is back and has her cheerleader outfit on. Give me an F…give me a U…
“Presley, I can’t hold this back anymore.”
His luscious lips have found their way to mine, and with his tight grip around my waist, it’s impossible to pull away…especially with my body betraying me. His tongue circles mine as we both moan into each other’s mouths.
Out of breath, I pull away for a brief moment. “Haden, we can’t.”
His lips have already moved to the base of my neck as he mumbles. “I need you.”
The rush he gives me shoots straight down below, and between my legs I’m soaking wet. I’m struggling to hold onto my morals as my physical side demands that he give me all of him. Just one more minute…then I’ll stop.
He knows I’ll stop him, and with a desperate rush he has made his way down to my breasts, licking circles around my nipples and causing my back to arch in pleasure. It’s difficult to keep my moans to a silent plea, and sensing my desperation, he moves his right hand towards my mouth and covers it with his palm.
“Just let me have a taste…just one taste…”
I don’t have to let him. He takes what he wants, and the moment he sucks on my nipples, an impending orgasm is on the verge of breaking loose. No…no…
“Haden...we have to stop!”
I manage to push him away just as the orgasm is about to hit, and Kitty throws a massive tantrum, kicking and screaming and demanding I finish.
Guiding his head back towards my face, I watch his eyes and the fire burning within them.
“We can’t do this. Not while you’re in a relationship. I’m not that person.”
His chest is pumping hard, and trying to catch his breath, he finally speaks. “I know it’s wrong. I just want you, Presley.”
“I want you too, Haden. But we can’t…not unless you end things with her.”
He pulls back. “Is that an ultimatum?”
“No,” I correct him. “It’s called having morals. I’m not a mistress, nor do I want to have an affair. I can’t deny what I feel for you, but I’m not the one engaged here.”
I see the turmoil in his expression and pull him closer one more time, for one last kiss.
“I should probably go,” he whispers, disappointed.
“You probably should.”
Reluctantly, he climbs out of the bed and slides his shoes back on. He adjusts his crotch and I ignore how hard he looks beneath the fabric. Why, oh why was I raised to be a good, moral woman?!
Walking towards the door, he stops and turns back to face me. “Give me time to sort out my life, Presley. I want you in it…I just need to fix the mess I created.”
Those are his final words, and for me, tonight, it’s exactly what I need to hear. A promise of a future.
That night, I dream of Haden Cooper. The man my heart and soul wants so desperately. That part about my heart being fragile…it’s too late. It belongs to him. It’s all his. All he needs to do is keep it safe, secure it up in bubble wrap, and ensure that it doesn’t shatter.
That should be easy, right?
The next day I get a surprise visit from Haden’s mom. Armed with a bag of wool and knitting needles, she insists I take a couple of hours off to do whatever the hell I want to do. At first, I’m reluctant. Masen is almost four weeks old and I haven’t been away from him at all.
“I understand you feel conflicted. The first time I left Haden with my mother-in-law, I was a blubbering mess. It didn’t help that she was the wicked witch of the west. God rest her soul.” She raises her head towards the ceiling and makes the sign of the cross.
“How about I just go for an hour?”
“Whatever you’re comfortable with. If you need longer, please take longer. I just want to spend time with my grandson.”