While we ate, Greg called Mom. He needed someone to watch Kyle, Mac, and Nate. He and Angie needed a day away from kids to work on their marriage. Somehow, I volunteered to be the good uncle and watch them.
When we got to Greg’s, Nate was crying, and Mac was in a timeout. Greg handed Nate to me.
“She knocked him down. He can now stand up if he gets a grip on the coffee table,” Greg explained.
“Unca David,” Kyle said as he reached his arms up.
I picked him up, and he began to tell me an involved story. I looked at Greg to figure out what he was talking about.
“They went to the petting zoo.”
By now Nate had stopped crying, so I handed him to his grandmother. Mac had served her time and wanted to be held as well. Kyle and Mac both tried to tell me all about what they had seen. I thought they might like to see horses. I handed them to Dad and called Zoe to ask if I could bring them out. Mom said Nate was too young, but she thought that Kyle and Mac would love it. So we drove home, I transferred their car seats to my jeep, and I took them to the Pearson farm.
Roc greeted me when I pulled up.
“I see you’re getting in some practice,” he teased me.
I fetched Kyle and Mac from their car seats, and they each grabbed one of my legs and peeked out at Roc.
“This is Roc,” I said to introduce them. “We call him that because he has rocks in his head. Roc, this is Kyle and Mac.”
“Funny,” Roc said to me then he squatted down. “You want to see some horses?”
They both nodded.
“Okay, you have to take my hand,” Roc said, and I was surprised when they both reached for him.
They held his hands as the three of them walked to the barn where I found Zoe saddling the horses. Roc talked quietly with my niece and nephew as he held them up so they could pet the horses. Meanwhile, I helped Zoe get everything ready for our ride.
“I thought we could take them down to the river,” Zoe said.
I was about to become the best uncle ever. Mac loved her ride. I don’t know what it is about girls and horses, but she never wanted it to end. Kyle had fun, but he seemed to have just as much fun with the kittens Roc showed him in the barn.
We had a great morning. Kyle and Mac wanted to stop at McDonald’s and get Happy Meals for lunch. When we arrived home, Duke met me at the back door. I could tell he wasn’t happy. When I entered the kitchen, my mom was down on the floor with Nate and rolling one of Duke’s tennis balls to him. Nate thought this was the height of hilarity. Duke nudged me to tell me to get his ball back.
“Sorry, Buddy. Looks like Nate has stolen your ball.”
“I had to swat his butt because he kept stealing the ball from Nate,” Mom explained.
“It is his ball,” I said with a smile. “I got them Happy Meals.”
“Good. We can feed them and then put them down for naps. I keep forgetting how much work taking care of a little one is.”
Her words made me wonder for about the hundredth time if it was fair to let Mom and Dad help raise my child. I then saw how her face seemed to radiate love for little Nate, and all my doubts vanished. They wouldn’t have offered if they didn’t want to help me. It was just one more thing that reminded me of how much I loved my parents.
◊◊◊
After the kids were put down for their naps, I stepped into the office to call Uncle John. I spent a half hour to catch him up on everything and to tell him about the game. He’d watched it on TV and said that the men at the diner could talk about nothing else. They all wanted to know when I would be there so they could congratulate me on the game—and pick my brain apart.
I then told him about Jan. He knew about what she’d done in middle school. It was one of the excuses I’d made for my behavior that he soon dissuaded me from. That was when he’d taught me that I was solely responsible for my actions, regardless of what others encouraged me to do. Besides being a farmer, Uncle John had his degree in child psychology and had even practiced for a time.
I was shocked when he didn’t think the situation was funny. Usually, he would make some grand statement about how what I experienced was part of growing up.
“Without spending some time with her, I can’t be certain, but she seems to be a young woman in crisis. She lacks meaningful limits, and she appears to lack a meaningful appreciation of the consequences of her actions. To me, this means she has never had to set limits or boundaries herself. I would surmise someone else used to set them for her, but that’s no longer the case. Do you know if her parents divorced?” Uncle John asked.
“In fact, that’s one of the strange things: I’ve never met them,” I said.
For the average person that might not be strange, but when you were from a small town, everyone knew everyone. While we did have new professors that taught at State, when they and their families moved in, if they became involved with the community, we’d meet them. As well, I had followed my dad’s lead and made it a point to introduce myself to most everyone I met. So, for me, it was strange that I hadn’t met Jan’s parents. She had lived here all her life.
“Okay,” Uncle John said and seemed to consider what to say next. “People learn different strategies to get folks to like them or to fit in. Once they learn these strategies, you’ll see them use them again and again. Let me give you some examples. Your friend Wolf uses humor; he’s the class clown. Tami’s the fixer. You’re the people-pleaser. Jan has learned to use sex to get what she wants and needs from others. Somewhere she had to learn this approach. For someone as young as she is, I would suspect some form of sexual abuse has occurred. Typically, someone who uses their body to make friends also has low-self-esteem issues.”
“What do you think set her off when I said that if she were with me, she wouldn’t be with anyone else? You know how I am; you’re the same way. We don’t share with others when it comes to our women. Her reaction seemed strange to me,” I said.
“I bet you feel the same way when a woman cries for any reason,” Uncle John said and then answered my question. “Jan wasn’t reacting in the way you would expect. What confuses you is you’ve never run across a woman like her before. It surprises me you haven’t had to deal with this yet. Your personality will attract certain types of women that you’ll have to be careful with. Some women need a strong partner to help control their life. When you told Jan that she’d only be yours, it was what she desperately needs, someone to protect and guide her. In return, she would need to serve you in some way.”
“I barely have time to do everything now with all of my commitments. There’s no way I’d have time to help guide her,” I said.
“David, it’s more than that, even. Jan needs someone to help her and keep her out of trouble. It would be a full-time job, and you’d have to commit to helping her make better decisions.” Uncle John asked.
“Would it be like training Duke not to beg for table scraps?” I asked.
“In a way, yes. The key to understanding the relationship Jan needs is tradeoffs. It doesn’t necessarily involve love or emotions you would expect in a normal relationship. She would need to support whoever helps structure her life in whatever manner she can. Jan would be obedient and have a willingness to do anything in service to this person. What she’d get in return is someone to set and enforce clear boundaries and provide protection as much for herself as others. Jan would also want attention and appreciation. Here’s the hard part: she would want to be used, to see herself as being useful, and to know she’s appreciated for her usefulness. Right now, the only way Jan knows how to do that is through sex. She’d have to learn other ways to be useful and to feel that she’s appreciated.
“For you, the biggest problem I see is Jan sounds like she’s unstable. Her inability to set limits troubles me. She’d also need a lot of attention. If you decided to help her, you’d be making a long-term commitment. In your case, it would be a major mistake for you to take on that responsibility. While this might be something you want to explore later in life, I expect with everything else you have going on, you couldn’t give Jan the time she needs. I’d suggest you find someone else to take on the role of her protector,” Uncle John said.